Friendship Work

Lauren stopped by my office to announce she was my newest faculty advisee. Upon learning that she had recently transferred from a private, faith–based school a few hours away, I responded, “I am sure your faculty and friends from there will miss you greatly but I sure am glad you are here, and I look forward to working with you.” Lauren paused a second, laughed slightly, and replied, “I hardly think anyone back there knows or will figure out that I left.” She said it with a laugh, but as we continued talking I knew with certainty that this situation was something painful, not funny. She had invested two years of living and learning on that campus and was utterly convinced that no one had noticed her leaving. She had transferred from her former institution with enough credits to classify as a junior but without a single friendship.

Lauren's story is sad but not shocking, or even that unusual. In fact, many students find themselves in a unique “sink or swim” position—either they get connected on campus and make friends or they don't. While higher education researchers focus a great deal on academic factors associated with low persistence rates, factors such as college preparation and remediation courses, the vast majority of students that leave a university do so for nonacademic reasons. A 2003 article in Journal of College Student Retention by Michael P. Skahill emphasizes that the quality and quantity of students’ social networks—the friendships they make and keep—affect their overall college experience.

In simplest terms, doing friendship work may be just as important to student success and retention as doing homework. However, incoming students have much to learn in regard to doing friendship. Most of us have been handed a social network our entire lives, and these students are no exception. Without much personal effort required, we are born into a web of family members, dropped off at a school where we are often required to play with and interact with others, and many of us have even participated in scheduled play dates. As a result, it's easy to see how students may perceive friendships as something that happens to people, rather than what they are—products of choice, without hierarchy or rank, and constituted by the sharing of time and mutual disclosure of private information.

More importantly, friendships require effort to make and maintain, but the benefits for students are worth the effort. The need for social relationships is particularly strong for people amidst major life transition, such as leaving home for college. In a 2001 study published in the Journal of Counseling & Development, Elizabeth L. Paul and Sigal Brier reported that distress during adjustment to college is most common for those lacking friends. Indeed, experience and observation supports that making friends and maintaining close social ties is part and parcel of a successful college transition.

Faculty and administrators must address the growing reality that students are desperate for help with their friendship work. I offer that a little nudging and intentionality can go a long way. According to Richard Light's book Making the Most of College, students’ most meaningful college experiences involve those educators who actively “get in their way” by offering advice, opportunities, and challenges. If doing friendship work will help students to be happier, experience greater success, and increase the likelihood they will stay and graduate, we must step in to help foster behaviors and strategies that lead to strong, lasting friendships.

We can start by helping students understand and effectively employ specific communication skills. In a 2010 article published in Communication Studies, Bree McEwan and Laura K. Guerrero report that activating certain communication skills predicted first–time freshmen's success in making and maintaining new friends. For example, those with greater communication competency excelled at certain activities and behaviors like joining groups, extending invitations to new acquaintances, and disclosing information with newfound friends. Not only are these the most critical friendship–forming steps for incoming college students, but they are also among the easiest for educators to suggest, support, and model.

Extending Invitations

A few months back, Marcelo, my freshman advisee, came by to tell me that he didn't have friends on campus yet. Knowing that he likes tennis and plays every day, I encouraged him to check with guys down his hall for a tennis partner. He said that according to Facebook at least one guy down the hall plays. He then squirmed when I told him that he should walk down the hall and invite his neighbor to go play.

Marcelo reminds me of a lot of students that I know. They want friends, but uncertainty and insecurity trap them from stepping out and making a move. Sensitive to rejection and failing to realize that many other students feel the same, many try to survive those first semesters on interactions generated by others and silently wish that someone would notice and care that they exist.

So they want friends, and they may even know that initiating interaction and extending invitations is the way to make them—but of course, knowing is only half the battle, and fear can be crippling. Educators have multiple ways for helping here. We can, of course, use a few minutes in class or in the office to discuss the importance of friendships and how to break the ice. For example, I have a colleague in Boston who gives her academic advisees challenges, such as to meet one new person this week and to have lunch with them by next week. Others may find it easier to teach friendship by modeling the behavior in class, perhaps by facilitating a think–pair–share activity where students must pair with a student they don't already know. I frequently start class by asking students to skim a relevant news article for the day's topic and then to go find peers they don't know very well to discuss it with. They do personal introductions and tend to get off topic as they learn something about each other, all of which is part of the greater purpose.

Some colleagues have argued that these interactions may yield surface–level relationships; however, I offer that all friendships start at low–investment, surface–levels. It would be a mistake not to address the starting point for friends, the importance of putting yourself out there and interacting with people, knowing that interaction may spark invitations to continue a conversation, and a genuine friendship to form. Like gardening, some friendship formation seeds bear much fruit and others do not—but we still should teach students the importance of planting seeds; that simply meeting new people and talking with someone for the first time can seem small, but yield great rewards. Likewise, we must acknowledge and help students understand that best friends are not made overnight, but without moving beyond their comfort zones, interacting with new people, and issuing invitations, students stand zero chance of forming meaningful friendships.

Another way that we can help is by encouraging students to become more comfortable with face–to–face interaction, especially when interacting with new or unfamiliar people. We must remember that though most of today's students are tech–savvy beyond compare and can communicate with a global society in an instant, they may be less comfortable meeting and talking in person. Knowing this about them, we can push the issue subtly. For example, my response to nonurgent student emails is “Good question. When would you like to come by and discuss?” This, of course, takes more time on my part, but I recognize that for most of my students, face–to–face dialogue with a professor is a chance to test their communication skills, feel heard, be known, and perhaps work through interpersonal anxiety. In this way, we help students embark on friendship work by helping them get out of their comfort zone and interact face–to–face. These first steps are what create opportunity for friendship behavior to flourish.

Engaging in Self–Disclosure and Supportive Communication

Social relationships move from acquaintance to friend as people self–disclose and demonstrate support. Self–disclosure is voluntarily sharing personal information with someone in order to help him or her understand you better. There is finesse to self–disclosure: sharing too much too soon and one–way sharing is usually not good for friendship making. The key here is engaging in mutual self–disclosures that are deemed appropriate by both individuals.

Another critical ingredient for friendship formation is supportive communication, which includes providing assurance and emotional support for individuals during happy days and challenging times alike. Communicating support builds trust and elicits greater openness and additional disclosure from friends, amplifying the effects of friendship formation.

Knowing the benefits of disclosure and support has made for a drastic shift in how my friend and former colleague Brandon leads his residence life department. His staff now programs events in rhythm with what they perceive to be the timeline that friendships might form and then need to be maintained. For example, programs during the first few weeks in the academic year are comprised mostly of large and small–group socials, designed for get–to–know–you type group interaction, where staff members facilitate activities that prompt self–disclosures. Like playing two–truths–and–a–lie, most of the activities are meant to be lighthearted and funny. Later in the semester, staff members host required events like “how to have and be the perfect roommate” that emphasize communication skills like empathy, emotional support, and speaking openly and respectfully about preferences and disagreements. Brandon shared with me about the student who, while leaving one such event said, “Well, I never thought about me being the support provider. Listening and stuff is what my mom always does for me.” This student's reflection is one of the reasons that teaching supportive communication to our traditional–aged students is so important. For many, this is the first time to live outside of a home with guardians that support them financially and emotionally. During their college years, when they need support most, they find themselves living with roommates, perhaps sharing lots of time and little space with friends. Students may be at a loss for how to be open and direct, offer emotional support, and engage in mutually supportive communication—something that parents perhaps have done for them but not expected in return. Given the overhaul in their residence life program, Brandon's campus has hope in this regard. Students are learning how to do their friendship work, they are being coached in how to be open, elicit openness, and demonstrate supportive communication, all requisites for establishing and maintaining close and satisfying friendships.

Faculty members can help students to learn these skills also. My friend Gary, a history professor, says the secret to successfully teaching friendship is being flexible and prioritizing student engagement as much as the lesson plan. His students frequently show up to chairs circled into groups and find themselves led through discussions centered on course content and personal reflections. Gary is clear all semester that participation is about active sharing and listening, requisites of friendship formation. He models these behaviors and students follow suit. His teaching evaluations are loaded with comments like, “I learned more than I expected and got to know some really cool people in this class” and “Actually made good friends because of this course.”

Closing Thoughts

Creating a learning environment that focuses on course content and meaningful interaction between students, like Gary has done, is something that we all can do, and by doing so we may create opportunities for friendship to form. If friendships don't bud in class, the kind of group involvement and conversations we facilitate may at least give opportunity for one student to say to another, “Hey, we should grab coffee sometime.” And, once a student extends the invitation to go for coffee, we can hope they will be prepared to engage in self–disclosure and supportive communication that help to form the friendship.

As we all know, maintaining friendships doesn't get any easier as we get older. Teaching our students now how to connect in a meaningful way is a lifelong skill that might not be on any syllabus, but is one that they will carry with them beyond their four years with us.