Abstract
The concept of shame has been extensively explored in cultural anthropology, psychology, biblical studies, and missiology. Yet there is relatively little in the way of Christian literature which discusses how Muslim women perceive and experience shame, or which offers suggestions of how Christians can engage with Muslim women on this topic. This article draws on discussions Christian women have had with Muslim women around the world to further our understanding of shame in Muslim contexts.
Keywords
Introduction
. . .as a Westerner I will never fully understand something [shame] that is so intrinsic to who my friends are, to how society views them, and to how their culture operates. (Davina, 2020: 19)
Shame, for women in non-Western contexts, is not easy for Westerners to understand. Defining shame is complicated. The single English word ‘shame’ could denote an individual, internal emotion or an external loss of social standing. It could contain the meanings of embarrassment, disgrace, dishonor, or humiliation. Additionally, as Lau (2020: 26) points out, other languages have different lexemes for the concept of shame that we “cannot take for granted. . .[will] correspond exactly to contemporary English terminology”. Rather, “a good deal of local cultural exegesis” is required to understand what cultural connotations, movements, emotions, and attitudes are associated with the concept of ‘shame’ in any given context (Shweder, 2003: 1126). Furthermore, it may not be explicit words which denote shame. Rather, the attitudes and actions of others can indicate how a person is perceived.
The debate surrounding the terms ‘honor-shame cultures’ as opposed to ‘guilt-innocence’ ones may also contribute to poor understanding of shame. Typologies such as Benedict’s (1946) mask the reality that shame (and honor) and guilt exist in all cultures, as more recent missiological literature has acknowledged (for example, Cozens, 2018; Dale, 2020; Dunaetz, 2021; Flanders, 2023; Merz, 2020). Societies are not monolithic or static, so people or behaviors considered shameful in one subgroup or generation may not be conceived of in the same way in another.
The classic anthropological distinction between honor as male and shame as female, which the biblical scholar Malina (2001: 48–49) affirmed in his work on cultural anthropology in the New Testament, also obscures our understanding. Instead, both men and women strive towards communal standards of respectability (or ‘honor’), both can be described as ‘shameful’, and those labels and judgments can be placed upon them by both men and women (see, for example Abu-Lughod, 1986; Wikan, 1984; Wynn, 2018).
We must therefore seek to understand how people themselves define, perceive, and experience the concept of shame. Instead of thinking along binary lines or concentrating on shame as purely negative, it is more helpful to remember that:
People are not motivated by either shame or guilt; nor is shame simply the negative mirror image of honor. Rather, shame operates in a complex interaction between internal, subjective emotion and external, social sanction. It can be both a negative and positive phenomenon and can come in response to both moral and nonmoral stimuli (Wu, 2016: 56–57, emphasis in original).
This article seeks to highlight Muslim women’s perspectives on and experiences of shame, building on the recent works of Frank (2019) and Dale (2021). It draws on the collated reflections of Muslim women from around the world, which have been shared with approximately 153 Christian women in the When Women Speak (WWS) network. 1
How do Muslim women accrue shame?
Shame is an “experience-near” concept for Muslim women (Wikan, 1984: 637). It defines every aspect of their behavior, thoughts, and feelings, and is instilled from a young age. Shame for women is both ascribed and embodied. Women are held responsible for shameful things which are beyond their control, and their bodies and bodily functions are associated with shame.
Community perceptions
What and who is considered shameful is dictated by the community. What a woman does may be less significant than what others say she has done, so gossip is to be feared. One Christian woman said of her Muslim context that:
It may be OK for men and women to be carefully courting and to have tea together in public places, as long as no one says out loud that they’re boyfriend / girlfriend, then they have to get married that week! Saying something out loud makes it worse, a reality.
Diaspora Muslim women commented that, back in their own country, “there is always someone watching, an evaluation/judgment happening in every aspect of life”. Indeed, women can be more concerned about what people might say, than what God might think about them. A Middle Eastern woman forsook opportunities to work in radio and on television because she felt constrained by what her family and community would think, even though she saw nothing sinful in it.
The more something becomes public the greater the shame that is borne, and the more action a family needs to take. Consequently, potential shame is covered up, if possible. An East African girl who got pregnant before marriage was relocated by her family until the baby had been born and adopted out. The community had no knowledge of what had occurred, so the shame was hidden. Social media also influences the public face of shame, as it operates far beyond local communities. Muslim millennial celebrities who are embracing and using social media to promote a pure Islamic lifestyle in Southeast Asia can find themselves harshly judged by a wide online community if they fail to live up to their followers’ increasingly high expectations: they “become a disgrace in the eyes of. . .[their] followers” (Abara, 2020: 59).
Women often do not confide in others for fear of exposing something embarrassing and inviting shame and gossip. A Central Asian saying highlights the dilemma: “Never tell your friend a secret, because your friend has a friend too”. A mentally unwell diaspora woman became very agitated and upset about a community translator attending her medical appointment, because she did not trust the translator. Another diaspora woman, whose daughter started living with a man to whom she was not married, stopped attending a community center to avoid ascribed shame. A West African woman stated that:
We are brought up from very little not to trust. . .Vulnerability is a sign of weakness here. It would be used against you, so people hide it and never share their true heart.
For women, managing ascribed shame can become a central preoccupation that leads to anxiety and uncertainty every day. A woman in South Asia was brought to hospital in an almost catatonic state, possibly induced by ostracism and pressures from women in her community.
Behavior
The most significant reason for a woman to be seen as shameful relates to her behavior, including her apparel. A South Asian woman said, “My mother always reminded me that if I will not cover my head, I will be considered a prostitute”. Daughters who are becoming more conservative and pious can shame their mothers who do not wear a hijab. A Middle Eastern woman spoke about an immodestly dressed woman as “bringing shame on her father who has let her go out in public like that”. Women in South Asia may even be reluctant to remove their clothing to deliver a baby. A group of Middle Eastern teenagers living in Europe rebelled against the strictures of their diaspora community by behaving and dressing in “inappropriate” ways and were excluded from that community as a result. Since diaspora communities in the West are often in a minority, they may feel besieged by influences they perceive as inappropriate and even dangerous. In these situations, the correct behavior of women becomes more important as a way of maintaining and “defending” the group’s ethnic or cultural identity (see, for example, Akpinar (2003) and Amer et al. (2015)). Thus, behavior or dress that might not be sanctioned in their country of origin, can become a source of shame.
In some contexts, it may be considered shameful for a woman to touch, or even look directly in the eyes of, an unrelated man. One South Asian woman was beaten severely when she was young for talking to men. South Asian women also shared that:
a single woman who is having sexual relations outside of marriage would be known by everyone in the community as being impure. Even if she were to do ritual cleansing, her behavior would be known (or suspected) and she would be shunned and avoided.
A Middle Eastern woman secretly dating a Christian man related that if her family knew they would kill her because of the shame. She added that eloping would also bring her family shame, and no-one would ever marry her four sisters. A group of South Asian women educators, all past child-bearing age, participated in a trip to the USA which was organized by former First Lady Laura Bush. Other South Asians considered this to be a very shameful thing, as the women were not accompanied by their male chaperones.
No matter how poor a family is or how dirty the environment in which they live, in many contexts a lack of cleanliness—of one’s house, one’s clothes, and, in some rural areas, even one’s cows—is also a cause for shame. Women in Central Asia are perceived as being “lazy” and shameful if they sit down to take a break from housework.
Rape, abuse, divorce
Women are blamed and feel a deep sense of shame even as victims of rape or violence. Many women report that if a woman is raped, others will say that she must not have been behaving or dressed modestly. One South Asian woman commented that:
This takes away all your freedom. For example, I like to go for walks. [When younger] I should find someone to accompany me. But now I am a little older and have a bit more freedom, friends still question me—aren’t you scared etc.? If anything happened to me, it would be considered my mistake.
A Southeast Asian university student who reported sexual abuse during a village community program was later blamed for being “reckless” in her behavior, and was accused of shaming the university (Ketchell, 2018). More seriously, women who are raped may be murdered by a male family member, cast out of their family and community, or forced to marry their rapist to restore the family honor (Krug et al., 2002: 163). The fear of stigmatization, or worse, often means a victim is forced to remain silent about the assault (Ketchell, 2018; Krug et al., 2002: 163). In parts of South Asia “Suicide is the expected way for a woman to cleanse herself and her family of the shame” (Kristof and Wudunn, 2009: 70).
Women who suffer marriage problems, including domestic violence, are blamed and told they are not trying hard enough. Divorced women may face isolation and alienation—one diaspora woman in Europe was unable to attend social gatherings if her ex-husband and his family were present. Neighbors who had previously been welcoming and friendly distanced themselves from a diaspora woman whose husband left and divorced her (O’Hara, 2020). Many women are pressured by family, and the fear of community ostracism, to stay in abusive relationships (O’Hara, 2020).
Actions of others
Shame can be contagious. When an unmarried, teenage girl in Southeast Asia gave birth unexpectedly, even her aunt, living in a different part of town, “worried that her kids would be teased at school, and that people would stop buying snacks from her husband’s little tea stall. They too would be shamed by their own community” (Davina, 2020: 20). The daughter of a divorced diaspora woman hoped to marry a good friend, but his family was against it because of the divorced status of the daughter’s mother.
Women are deemed responsible for their children’s correct upbringing. So, when children fail exams or do not live up to parental expectations, shame can fall on their mothers. A Southeast Asian woman felt ashamed of her 20-year-old daughter who did not know her culture’s customs and was not fervent in her following of Islam.
In Europe, a Christian woman reported that Muslim women often cover up for a son or brother who has committed a crime, even going to prison on their behalf. Having done so, however, they “can’t go back to their family because of the shame around them having been in prison. . .[they] have to find a different community where no one knows their background”.
Illness and disability
Serious illnesses can be seen as shameful, or even a curse. One South Asian woman hid the fact she had cancer, fearing that her children would not be allowed to play with others. A Middle Eastern woman who had a breast scan for symptoms declined to discuss it with other female family members. Diaspora women from the Horn of Africa feared shame if it became public that they had contracted COVID-19. Similarly, some Southeast Asians avoided testing for COVID-19, fearing that a positive diagnosis would lead to stigmatization, isolation from the community, and a loss of job opportunities (Gedela et al., 2020).
In many countries, the shame of having a child with a disability leads women to hide the child away, or the community shuns and isolates both mother and child. Women may even seek a termination of pregnancy to avoid the shame, as happened when one diaspora woman was told her longed-for child would have Down Syndrome. A particular people group from Southeast Asia is known to shame a mother whose child is born with a cleft lip/palate, believing that it is her fault for standing in a doorway for too long while pregnant.
Mental illnesses are particularly shameful. Women with children on the autism spectrum or with developmental delays may deny issues and may refuse help. In South Asian communities, mental illness is not discussed, and mentally ill family members are hidden (Roy, 2012: 1114). Furthermore, “The shame of, and blame for, children’s mental health problems. . .[are] associated with the mother of the child” (Bradby et al., 2007: 2417).
Singleness, barrenness
In many cultures, women’s identity is tied to their closest male relative. They can therefore feel intense community shame if they remain single after a socially acceptable age has been reached, if they do not have a son, or if they are unable to bear children. In South Asia there is disappointment if a woman gives birth to a female child: a Christian midwife commented that “The whole atmosphere drops, [and the women in the room] almost dishonor and don’t look at her”. One barren Middle Eastern couple moved into a majority White neighborhood in Europe to escape the shame put upon them by their previously Muslim neighborhood.
Bodies
Women report feeling shame for having certain physical attributes. Darker complexions are seen as undesirable in many contexts, but in South Asia where dark skin is associated with lower castes, women may be made to feel extreme shame because of it. Women may feel reluctant to engage in public physical exercise that causes their breasts to bounce. Menstruating women are considered impure, and thus menstruation itself becomes something to be ashamed of and hide. Even during Ramadan, when menstruation is a permitted reason not to fast, women can be made to feel ashamed for not fasting (Moazzam, n.d.). In some Middle Eastern and African contexts, women who have not undergone Female Genital Cutting (FGC) 2 are considered impure and shameful.
Positive shame
In a Western psychological or mental health context, shame is primarily an individual, negative, emotion. Popular American author Brown (2012: 69), defines shame as “. . .the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging”. Many Christian authors (e.g. Campanale, 2021; Holmes, 2023; Welch, 2012) have encouraged Christians to recognize the impact of shame in their lives and find healing and restoration from it in Christ.
Yet in many cultures there is another type of shame which is not negative, devaluing, or punitive, and which could be called positive shame. The single English word ‘shame’ is often inadequate to translate local terms which carry this positive meaning, since it “does not take into account the modesty and restrained behaviour that the [local term] entails” (Abeyasekera and Marecek, 2019: 158). Positive shame restricts behaviors that could lead to a breakdown of relationships or society’s moral standards. It ensures conformity to community-defined ‘correct’ moral behavior and norms and helps maintain an individual’s membership within the group. This benefits the whole community as well as the individual. If a Middle Eastern woman says to a Westerner “you’re so free”, it may not be a compliment. For some, this statement would mean “you do not care how what you do affects everyone and how your actions can cause us all to be perceived”.
In South Asia people are supposed to “know how to act properly. . .know boundaries”, and the question “Have you no shame?” is commonly used towards anyone behaving inappropriately. It implies that the person to whom the question is asked does not know the difference between right and wrong. A similar Middle Eastern phrase is based on a hadith: “The Prophet said, ‘One of the sayings of the early Prophets which the people have got is: If you don’t feel ashamed do whatever you like’”. 3
While both women and men are expected to behave appropriately, positive shame is seen as a virtue which is particularly “inculcated in girls from an early age, embodied in gestures, behaviour, movement and clothing” (Rozario quoted in Siddiqi, 2005: 291). In the Horn of Africa women cover their mouths with their hands when they speak or laugh, answer questions softly, and are quiet and circumspect. Words in other languages that English might translate as ‘shyness’ or ‘modesty’ are often synonymous with positive shame. A woman from the Horn of Africa wished that her vivacious, active, and confident daughter would “try to appear shy and appropriately virtuous”. One of Nisa’s (2023: 166) Indonesian face-veiled interlocutors explained that al-ḥayā’ [Arabic for shyness, modesty] is a “virtue” which is the “key to God’s blessings. . .[and]. . .the key to being a good Muslim woman”.
Points of connection
This article argues that for many Muslim women, shame is both negative and positive. Negatively, it stigmatizes, judges, and constrains. It involves isolation and ostracism. It produces a fear of gossip, leading to a lack of trust and a desire to hide behind a façade. It results in a desire to cover up, and a preoccupation with the opinions of others. Positively, shame is a moral boundary and a virtue, a necessary restraining force for the good of the individual and the group. As Christians, how might we connect with Muslim women from both these aspects of shame? This article highlights a few areas which can be explored; however, more in-depth scriptural applications and practical suggestions are needed in missiological literature.
Remove negative shame
God desires to set people free from negative, punitive, disgracing shame (Richards and James, 2020: 178). Although all of us bear the negative shame of original sin, we did not start in this position. God created human beings in his image from lowly dust, blessed them, gave them responsibility over creation, and crowned them with honor and glory (Gen 1:26-28, 2:7; Ps 8). Although naked, Adam and Eve feel no shame (Gen 2:25). After the fall, God continues to bless women who are ascribed shame. Leah, unloved and unwanted wife, bears Jacob’s first four sons (Gen 29:31-35). Rachel, shamed in her barrenness, conceives (Gen 30:24). Rahab, a prostitute, Tamar, shamed by Judah’s treatment, and Ruth, a foreigner, have sons in Jesus’ lineage (Gen 38:26-30, Ruth 4:11-17, Matt 1:3, 5; Heb 11: 31; Jas 2:25). Barren Hannah and Elizabeth similarly bear sons who become important in God’s kingdom story (1 Sam 1; Luke 1). Mary, a young unmarried virgin, falls pregnant because she is greatly favored by God (Luke 1:28-33), and gives birth to his Son. Jesus also reverses the social perceptions of shame. He imparted his purity to the bleeding woman and restored her back into society (Mark 5:21-34). He erased the shame of widowhood and death by raising the widow of Nain’s son (Luke 7:11-17). After he speaks with the Samaritan woman at the well, others listen to her testimony and come to believe in him (John 4:1-42).
In Islam, people are exhorted to strive to earn God’s love: “My slave keeps on coming closer to Me through performing Nawafil [praying or doing extra deeds besides what is obligatory] till I love him. . .” (emphasis added). 4 Yet in the Bible it is God who reaches out in love and who reveals himself to us, despite the fact we have all sinned and fallen short of his glory (Rom 3:23). We see this in the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) and the way Jesus challenges the dinner guests to see beyond Mary’s “sinful life” (Luke 7:36-50). Most powerfully, the account of Christ’s death in Mark 15 illustrates the shame he bore so to justify and reconcile us with God: he was struck on the head (v.19), spat upon (v.19), mocked (vv.20, 31), and insulted (vv.29, 32). He was stripped naked (John 19:23-24) and publicly flogged (Matt 27:26). In his crucifixion, Jesus “broke the ‘manly’ norms of his time, particularly through his publicly exposed, bodily-penetrated, most shameful death” (Wilson, 2015: 203). Cicero called the cross a “tree of shame” (Hodge, 1927). Yet Christ is now exalted and restored to a position at the right hand of God’s throne, untainted by shame (Heb 12:2).
A new community
When Adam and Eve disobeyed God shame entered their consciousness, and they hid from him (Gen 3:7-10). We are now under God’s judgment. For many Muslim women, however, the fear of shame, and the resulting social consequences, are far greater than fear of judgment from God. As Dumitrescu (2005: 15) notes, “Muslim behavior is not defined in terms of guilt, but it is judged by whether it brings honor or shame to the family, country, or Islam”. God can forgive, so theoretically once a woman has repented, she “should not be judged on [her] past sins”, whereas in practice socially “she will . . . be continuously judged and treated as a pariah for the rest of her life” (Amer et al., 2015: 14). When speaking with a Muslim woman about prostitutes, a Christian remarked that some people feel empathy for them, wonder what brokenness happened in their younger lives, and help them. The Muslim woman replied
no way would that ever happen in the Middle East! No way would people wonder, ‘hmmm, what happened in that woman’s life that led her to this line of work?’ Allah gave her a brain to choose how to respond to any difficulty in her life, and she chose a haram
5
path.
Since we fail to understand the weight that negative shame carries for Muslim women, we find it difficult to know how to respond to the broken horizontal relationships they continue to navigate in daily life, and the isolation and exclusion they can experience. Their identity is a corporate one: they are known through their familial relationships, ancestral lines, and place in community, and through the ummah as the worldwide community of Muslims.
As God loves and accepts us despite our fallen state, how can we, as the body of Christ, be a community of acceptance for Muslim women? A “new community which sees the way God sees it”, “whose members are looking up and reflecting the image of God in each other, not looking across to what other people think of them” (Cozens, 2019: 109). Are we showing partiality and judging on appearances (Jas 2: 1-12) when we should be welcoming and inclusive of all parts of the body, including those which are “weaker”, “less honorable”, and “unpresentable” (1 Cor 12:12-26)? Do we avoid gossip (2 Cor 12: 20) and refuse to be “busybodies who talk nonsense, saying things [we] ought not to” (1 Tim 5:13)? Are we trustworthy, keeping confidences (Prov 11:13)? If we are told things we feel should be brought to the attention of others, we could, as one Christian woman suggested, ask what can be shared. This is appreciated, since it is “quite different to the gossip that is the norm”.
Encouraging safe spaces for small groups of Muslim women to share their stories of shame could be a validating, affirming, and healing experience (Campanale, 2021: 285). Experiential activities as tangible reminders of how Christ frees and releases us could be included. For example, a blanket wrapped around one’s body and head could symbolize the suffocating weight of shame. Prayerfully and purposefully, the blanket could be removed, folded, and put under a cross, demonstrating how shame is lifted and given to Christ (Campanale, 2021: 283–284).
We might also encourage women, in the power of the Holy Spirit, to forgive those who have caused them shame. Forgiveness does not mean looking the other way or covering up an offense (McCord, 2012: 136–137). Instead, by extending God’s forgiveness and freedom from condemnation to others who have wronged us (Luke 11:4, Rom 8:1, Eph 4:32), we can find deeper healing and freedom from shame. McCord (2012: 137) relates the story of an Afghani Muslim woman who “prayed to forgive a man who had violated. . .and shamed her some thirty years before”. After praying, this woman recognized the powerful good in releasing her shame this way (McCord, 2012: 138).
The role of positive shame
The Bible affirms that used wisely, shame can be a “redemptive”, as opposed to a “toxic and destructive”, tool (Lau, 2020: 233). The Epistles focus on followers of Jesus living as members of his body in a mutually submissive way to ensure we live lives worthy of the calling we have received (Eph 4:1) and so that God will be glorified (1 Pet 2:11-12). This aligns with the role of positive shame, which seeks to avoid a breakdown of relationships and moral standards so that a whole community is not negatively impacted. Jesus could have added to the public, negative, shame heaped on the adulterous woman. Instead, he uses shame positively to rebuke the Pharisees and restore her, telling her to leave her life of sin (John 8:1-11). So too we are not to judge hypocritically (Matt 7:1-5, Rom 2:1-2). Instead, we are exhorted to speak truth in love (Eph 4:15-16), to encourage and build each other up (1 Thess 5:11), to “confess our sins to each other” (Jas 5:16), and to “pull back into our community those who have wandered beyond the boundaries” (Richards and James, 2020: 204). Having said this, our misuse of shame can cause significant harm (Lau, 2020: 232–233; Richards and James, 2020: 203–204). We should carefully study how shame is used to rebuke, correct, and restore in the Bible, and pray for God’s wisdom and guidance before attempting to do the same.
Conclusion
Shame for Muslim women is both negative and positive. While a woman’s failure to meet communal standards can cause her to experience shame, what people say she has done is often more to be feared. Furthermore, women are often made to feel they are deeply shameful due to things beyond their control and the actions of others. Negative shame causes women to be stigmatized, isolated, and ostracized, and is therefore to be avoided or covered up where possible. Yet shame is also considered a ‘virtue’ which acts as a necessary restraining force to maintain societal morality and relationships. The challenge for Christians is to learn how to walk alongside Muslim women as a body of Christ, demonstrating God’s acceptance and removal of negative shame, while also appropriately using positive shame so that we “live such good lives” that even when we are accused of doing wrong, others will glorify God (1 Pet 2:12).
Footnotes
Funding
The author received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
