The “Good Enough” Parent: Perfectionism and Relationship Satisfaction Among Parents and Nonparents

Marital Satisfaction and Self-Oriented Perfectionism

Although some studies have found no association between marital satisfaction and self-oriented perfectionism (Haring et al., 2003; Hewitt et al., 1995), one study found self-oriented perfectionism to predict positive marital adjustment in men and women (Kim, Johnson, & Ripley, 2011). Two explanations have been offered: people high on self-oriented perfectionism may blame themselves rather than the partner or the relationship in order to protect the relationship; also, having very high standards for oneself might encourage one to work harder in relationships (Kim et al., 2011). In contrast, self-oriented perfectionism has been associated with marital dissatisfaction in non-pregnant women (Dimitrovsky et al., 2002). This has been explained through the stress-diathesis model, given that people high on self-oriented perfectionism tend to function well in situations of low stress, but are vulnerable to developing mental health problems (e.g., depression and anxiety) when exposed to stressful life events that involve a diminished sense of control; these problems then contribute to marital dissatisfaction (Dimitrovsky et al., 2002; Flett, Hewitt, Blankstein, & Mosher, 1995).

Marital Satisfaction and Interpersonal Dimensions of Perfectionism

Associations have been found between other-oriented perfectionism and marital dissatisfaction, with some inconsistencies regarding which partner is more negatively affected (Haring et al., 2003; Hewitt et al., 1995). One study found that partners of individuals high on other-oriented perfectionism reported poorer dyadic adjustment and greater family difficulties, suggesting that the spouse or family members who are the targets of unrealistic expectations suffer, likely due to the negative impact of being subject to criticism and lack of acceptance and support (Hewitt, et al., 1995). The same explanation might apply for findings of no association between other-oriented perfectionism and marital satisfaction in a sample of women (Dimitrovsky et al., 2002). However, this failed to be replicated in a subsequent study (Haring et al., 2003), which found that wives, but not husbands, with high levels of other-oriented perfectionism reported lower marital satisfaction. This may suggest that women who expect perfection from their husbands may be particularly dissatisfied by their husbands’ failure to meet their expectations (Haring et al., 2003).

Findings have been most consistent regarding the association between socially prescribed perfectionism and marital dissatisfaction (Dimitrovsky et al., 2002; Haring et al., 2003; Hewitt et al., 1995). Higher levels of socially prescribed perfectionism have been associated with maladaptive response patterns in romantic relationships, such as attempting to terminate or avoid the relationship during difficult problem-solving situations, and/or manifesting a combination of hostility and obsessive preoccupation regarding the unfair demands they perceive as being placed on them by the partner (Flett, Hewitt, Shapiro, & Rayman, 2001). The negative coping orientation characterizing individuals high on socially prescribed perfectionism captures the helplessness and hopelessness that arises from the awareness that gaining approval from others is nearly impossible (Flett et al., 2001). This is consistent with findings that of the three types of perfectionism, socially prescribed perfectionism has been most strongly associated with depression, low self-esteem, and emotional instability (Flett, Hewitt, Blankstein, & Mosher, 1991; Flett, Hewitt, Blankstein, & O’Brien, 1991), all of which have been associated with poorer marital adjustment (Buss, 1991; Dimitrovsky et al., 2002; Watson, Hubbard, & Wiese, 2000).

Participants and Procedure

A total of 383 married and cohabitating individuals completed the study. One person did not enter age, resulting in a final analytic sample of 382 people (M_age = 38.7, SD = 12.7, range = 22-86), with an average relationship length of 13.1 years (SD = 11.9). The sample was 71.7% women and 28.3% men with 89.5% identifying as White, 3.1% as Hispanic, 2.6% as Asian, 1.3% as African American, 0.8% as multiracial, and 2.6% as other. Almost all (96.6%) participants identified as heterosexual, with 0.8% identifying as gay, 2.4% as bisexual, and 0.3% as other. Most participants held a graduate (61.5%) or undergraduate (32.2%) degree, with an additional 5% having attended some college, and 1.3% being high school graduates. About half (54%) reported an individual income greater than $70,000, 21.6% earned between $40,000 and $70,000, and the remaining 24.3% earned less than $40,000. Last, 37.4% were raising at least one child, with the remaining 62.6% not currently raising children. The inclusion of individuals with no children and those with adult children outside of the home in a single group is consistent with the U-shaped curve in marital satisfaction during child rearing (Rollins & Feldman, 1970).

Recruitment took place through posts on social media sites and online listservs, including Facebook and LinkedIn, requesting married or cohabitating individuals aged 18 years or older to participate in an online survey hosted on Qualtrics. The survey took an average of 15 minutes.

Measures

Preliminary Analyses

T tests and bivariate correlations were run between relationship satisfaction and demographic variables to decide what controls to include in the regression analyses. A t test revealed that in comparison with participants of other racial/ethnic backgrounds, White participants reported higher levels of relationship satisfaction (t[381] = −2.00, p = .046; mean of White participants = 53.30, SD = 6.52, mean of participants of color = 51.20, SD = 6.65). Bivariate correlations also revealed negative associations of relationship satisfaction with age and relationship length (r = −.22, p < .001, for both variables). Education, gender, sexual orientation, and income were not associated with satisfaction. Therefore race/ethnicity (dummy coded as White vs. other) was included as a control variable in all subsequent analyses, and because age and relationship length were highly significantly correlated with each other (r = .85, p < .001), only age was entered in analyses as an additional control. However, when age and relationship length were both included in analyses and when only relationship length was included in analyses (with age excluded from the model), the results were the same. Therefore, results are reported with only age and race included as covariates in the final model.

Table 1 includes bivariate correlations, means, and standard deviations for main study variables. As predicted, raising children was negatively correlated with relationship satisfaction. Partner-prescribed perfectionism was negatively correlated with relationship satisfaction, also as expected. Self-oriented perfectionism was not correlated with relationship satisfaction, and partner-oriented perfectionism was negatively correlated with relationship satisfaction.

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Table 1.

Bivariate Correlations, Means, and Standard Deviations for Main Study Variables (N = 382).

	1	2	3	4	5	6	7
1. Age	—
2. Race	−.095	—
3. Raising child	.010	.065	—
4. Relationship satisfaction	−.219**	−.104*	−.166**	—
5. Self-oriented perfectionism	−.197**	.002	−.073	.036	—
6. Other-oriented perfectionism	−.188**	.018	−.091	−.143**	.478**	—
7. Socially oriented perfectionism	.094	.150**	.051	−.400**	.182**	.193**	—
Mean	38.74	—	—	53.10	68.63	62.62	41.49
SD	12.73	—	—	6.56	14.82	10.27	11.99

*

p < .05. **p < .01.

Main Analyses

Table 2 includes results from linear regression analyses with relationship satisfaction as the outcome. The first analysis included control variables in Step 1, and all main effects, with raising children and perfectionism included in Step 2, predicting relationship satisfaction as the outcome. As expected, parental status was negatively associated with relationship satisfaction, with individuals raising children reporting lower relationship satisfaction than those not raising children. Also, consistent with hypotheses, partner-prescribed perfectionism predicted lower relationship satisfaction, and self-oriented perfectionism predicted higher relationship satisfaction. Partner-oriented perfectionism also predicted lower relationship satisfaction.

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Table 2.

Results of Regression Analyses Predicting Marital Satisfaction (N = 382).

	β	t	p value
Step 1
Race (White)	.12	2.42	.020
Age	−.23	−4.59	<.001
Step 2
Race (White)	.06	1.27	.207
Age	−.20	−4.23	<.001
Self-oriented perfectionism	.14	2.68	.008
Other-oriented perfectionism	−.19	−3.71	<.001
Socially prescribed perfectionism	−.35	−7.53	<.001
Raising child	−.15	−3.30	.001
Step 3
Race (White)	.06	1.26	.208
Age	−.21	−4.38	<.001
Self-oriented perfectionism	.11	1.66	.098
Other-oriented perfectionism	−.19	−2.87	.004
Socially prescribed perfectionism	−.27	−4.53	<.001
Raising child	−.15	−3.21	.001
Raising child × Self-oriented perfectionism	.05	.72	.471
Raising child × Other-oriented perfectionism	.01	.07	.943
Raising child × Socially prescribed perfectionism	−.14	−2.32	.021

Note. Step 1: R² = .06, p < .001; Step 2: ΔR² = .19, p < .001; Step 3: ΔR² = .01, p < .136.

The second regression analysis included the same controls in Step 1, and the same main effects in Step 2, and additionally included three interaction terms in Step 3 (the interactions of parental status with each of the three dimensions of perfectionism). Only the interaction between partner-prescribed perfectionism and parental status was a significant predictor of relationship satisfaction. This significant interaction was then probed by running a moderation model using Hayes’ PROCESS macro (2013), with partner-prescribed perfectionism treated as the independent variable, relationship satisfaction as the outcome, and raising children as the moderator. As depicted in Figure 1, the negative association between partner-prescribed perfectionism and relationship satisfaction was stronger for those raising children (unstandardized conditional effect estimate = −0.27, SE = .04; 95% CI −.35, −.19; p < .001) than for those not raising children (unstandardized conditional effect estimate = −0.18, SE = .03; 95% CI −.24, −.11; p < .001), although it was significant for both groups.

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Figure 1.

Visual depiction of interaction between partner-prescribed perfectionism and child raising status in predicting relationship satisfaction.

Clinical Implications

Perfectionism often involves an unarticulated emotional conviction that being perfect is the route to feeling accepted as a person (Greenspon, 2008). This feeling can manifest itself in various ways, including punitive or harsh expectations of oneself, others, or perceptions of harsh expectations coming from others. The current study suggests that it is the interpersonal manifestations of perfectionism—expectations of others to be perfect and expectations that others expect perfection—that may have particularly adverse consequences for relationship satisfaction. Keeping in mind the possibility that self-oriented perfectionists might be motivated to perceive and rate their relationship satisfaction as higher than it is, this study suggests that perfectionism oriented toward the self may not negatively affect, and may even be beneficial for, the individual’s perception of relationship satisfaction. This reflects research on the distinction between adaptive and maladaptive forms of perfectionism, which suggests that perfectionistic strivings can be adaptive, but the combination of perfectionistic strivings and demands is maladaptive (Hamachek, 1978; Lundh, 2004; Rice, Ashby, & Gilman, 2011; Stoeber & Gaudreau, 2017). This study supports previous findings that helping to increase acceptance of nonperfection may be a critical therapeutic intervention for maladaptive perfectionism oriented at others or perceived as coming from others (Lundh, 2004).

The current findings also support the potential utility of developing therapeutic interventions aimed at dealing with the ways that stress triggered by raising children can negatively affect relationship satisfaction. Research has suggested that parenting stress can be reduced by cognitive behavioral therapies that include an explicit focus on parent education and instruction (Deater-Deckard, 1998) and the development of adaptive forms of coping and problem solving aimed at boosting confidence and efficacy in the parenting role (Flett & Hewitt, 2002). This study suggests that considering the impact of parenting stress may be especially crucial for people high on partner-prescribed perfectionism who may become overwhelmed by feelings that their children and spouse are putting constant pressure on them to perform with excellence. Given the importance placed on reaching other peoples’ perceived expectations and avoiding disappointing others (Hewitt & Flett, 1991b), couple and family therapy can be useful in acknowledging these individuals’ successes as parents and spouses, and challenging their irrational beliefs regarding what their family members are expecting of them (Hewitt et al., 1995; Lundh, 2004). Systems therapy might be particularly beneficial for addressing the interpersonal patterns that inform relationship functioning, maintaining a framework that holds both partners accountable and addresses the nonperfectionistic partner’s responses that might serve to maintain the perfectionistic thoughts and behaviors—both historically and in the present. Relatedly, a systems approach would take into account the environmental and societal (e.g., ethnic and cultural) factors in which perfectionistic characteristics and responses are embedded. For parents who display perfectionistic traits, therapy has been found to help break the intergenerational transmission of perfectionism and related difficulties by facilitating the establishment of an environment in which love and acceptance are demonstrated regardless of imperfection (Speirs Neumeister & Finch, 2006). Previous findings have suggested that increased awareness of the difficulties of parenthood can mitigate the negative influence of raising children on marital satisfaction (Belsky & Pensky, 1988), serving as a promising reminder that relationship stressors may be buffered, in part, through increased awareness (Twenge et al., 2003), and underscoring the importance of carrying out interventions that extend beyond the overt manifestations of perfectionism to address the deeper motivations and self-esteem issues that underlie the intense struggles to be perfect (see Greenspon, 2014).

As in previous findings, the lower levels of marital satisfaction in individuals raising children may carry implications for the well-being of children and families. For individuals with high levels of perfectionism that seek out therapy, addressing the roots of perfectionism for individuals raising children may prove useful, given the tendency for dysfunctional family dynamics to get passed down to the next generation if not adequately addressed (Bailey, Hill, Oesterle, & Hawkins, 2009). Theory suggests that perfectionism is often rooted in early developmental experiences (see Flett et al., 2002; Greenspon, 2002), such as growing up in an atmosphere of conditional acceptance, in which self-worth is perceived as contingent on meeting certain standards or expectations (Flett et al., 2002; Greenspon, 2014). Even in family environments where praise is plentiful but always focused on achievements (Flett et al., 2002), children may be left with questions about how acceptable they are in the absence of these accomplishments. Children who conclude that love and acceptance are available only under certain conditions may develop perfectionistic behaviors, thoughts, and feelings (Greenspon, 2014). This is supported by findings of associations between perfectionism and insecure attachment styles (Speirs Neumeister & Finch, 2006), and supports the importance of helping perfectionistic parents facilitate a different sort of environment for their children – one which values the importance of being “good enough” (Winnicott, 1953).

Limitations and Directions for Future Research

This study has some important limitations. First, the interaction between partner-prescribed perfectionism and raising a child was rather small and therefore should be replicated in future studies. Other limitations of this study include its reliance on self-report measures, which can be influenced by social desirability and other biases. Another main limitation is its cross-sectional nature; therefore, direction of effects cannot be determined. Third, albeit large, the sample was fairly homogenous in terms of race, education, and income, thereby limiting the generalizability of these results to other populations.

Future research might expand on the current study by using dyadic data collection and analysis (see Stoeber, 2012), making it possible to account for the perspective of the perfectionist as well as the person with whom they interact (in this case, the intimate partner). Self-oriented perfectionists in particular may be likely to present an artificially inflated assessment of their relationship, focusing on positive attributes and downplaying negative ones in order to not appear imperfect. Finally, in addition to future research replicating the findings in this study, subsequent research on the interpersonal nature of perfectionism might also include parent–child interactions to ascertain the impact of perfectionism and marital dissatisfaction in one or both parents on children’s well-being, which would help to elucidate the intergenerational transmission of perfectionism.

Conclusion

In an analytic sample of 382 cohabitating and/or married men and women, this study found negative associations between relationship satisfaction and the interpersonal dimensions of perfectionism, including partner-oriented perfectionism and partner-prescribed perfectionism as well as a positive association between relationship satisfaction and self-oriented perfectionism. Additionally, the negative association between partner-prescribed perfectionism and relationship satisfaction was significantly stronger for individuals raising children than for those not raising children. The combined effects of parenting stress and perfectionism may have profound implications for the health and well-being of individuals, couples, and families. This study underscores the importance of raising awareness of these factors individually and together, and developing clinical interventions for couples that specifically target the perceived expectations of perfectionism coming from one’s relationship partner, especially when they are raising children. Given the negative consequences of relationship dissatisfaction for the mental and physical health of individuals and families, it is critical to find ways to help couples with one or more perfectionistic individuals address and manage the interpersonal expectations that arise within their intimate relationships as well as the often-difficult experience of raising children.