Abstract
In recent years, divorce at a later age has increased in Israel as well as in other developed countries, and there are more grandparents who go through a divorce. The purpose of this study was to examine the meaning of divorced grandparents’ relationship with their grandchildren. Employing a qualitative methodology, in-depth semi-structured interviews were conducted with 22 divorced Israeli grandparents aged 54–81. Analysis of the interviews identified several themes: Informing the grandchildren about the divorce and their response; the effect of the relationships between the divorced grandparents on the grandchildren’s perception of the divorce; the effect of the relationship with the parents' generation on relations between grandparents and grandchildren; the relationship with the grandchildren. The results show that grandparents who experience divorce continue to be involved in their grandchildren's life, although some changes can be seen following the divorce process.
In recent years, divorce at a later age has increased in Israel as well as in other developed countries, and there are more grandparents who go through a divorce. The purpose of this study was to examine the meaning of divorced grandparents' relationships with their grandchildren and the changes in these relationships from the grandparents' point of view.
Research Literature
Divorce at a Later Age
Divorce at a later age, after many years of marriage, is an expanding phenomenon, designated the “grey divorce revolution” or “silver separation.” The divorce rate for those aged 50 and older has doubled in recent decades, both in the US and in EU countries, Sweden, the UK, and other western countries (Bildtgard & Öberg, 2019; Brown et al., 2019; Brown & Lin, 2012; Franklin & Creighton, 2014; Tosi & van de Broek, 2020). In the US, for example, the divorce rate diminished in recent decades, aside from among older adults, where the divorce rate changed from 1990 to 2017 as follows: The divorce rate of women aged 55–64 nearly tripled (from 4 to 11 per 1000), whereas the rate for men in the same age group doubled (from 6 to 12 per 1000). The divorce rate for women aged 65 and older increased six-fold (from 1 to 6 per 1000), whereas for men aged 65 and older, it almost tripled (from 2 to 5 per 1000) (Allred, 2019).
Similar to various western countries, in Israel as well the extent of this phenomenon has increased in recent years. The data show that the divorce rate among men aged 50–54 was 5.8% in 1996, and in 2018—7.8%. Among women aged 50–54 the divorce rate in 1996 was 4.5% and in 2018—7.8%. In ages 55+, the divorce rate among men in 1996 was 2.2% and in 2018—3.6%. Among women aged 50–54 the divorce rate in 1996 was 1.5% and in 2018—2.7% (Central Bureau of Statistics, 2020).
Bildtgard and Öberg (2019) coined the term “society of divorcees” to describe the changing circumstances of singles in the later period of life, where the frequency of divorce in older ages has risen and people enter this period as divorcees or about to be divorced, with the rise in life expectancy accompanied by a rise in the desire to avoid remaining in a negative marital relationship for many more years. The main reasons for divorce at a later age are abuse experienced by one of the spouses during the marriage, recognizing one’s spouses weaknesses after the romance typical of the initial years of marriage has died down, disloyalty and cheating outside the marriage, different life styles, lack of communication and unequal role distribution, addictions, financial problems, and crisis events such as a severe illness or bereavement. The emptying nest, leading to the lack of a common element among the spouses once the children have left the home, the rise in the standard of living, and financial improvements (level of wealth, ownership of a home) also constitute reasons for divorce (Amato, 2010; Canham et al., 2014; Lin et al., 2018; Putnam, 2011; Thomas & Ryan, 2008; Rokach et al., 2004).
In many cases, although spouses expressed dissatisfaction with their marriage over the years, they postponed the divorce to a later age due to the wish to avoid hurting their children, financial concerns, the fear of remaining alone, or the concern of people’s reactions (Bair, 2007; Rokach et al., 2004; Taylor, 2011). The consequences of divorce at a later age are manifested in financial uncertainty, particularly among women who have a lower income from work than do men (Canham et al., 2014; LaRochelle-Cote et al., 2012). The need to leave the home, where many memories were formed associated with raising the children and experiences of intimacy, is experienced as painful (Bair, 2007). Emotionally, side by side with describing negative feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, and rejection, there are also positive feelings such as increasing self-confidence, personal growth, relief, a sense of freedom, and independence (Canham et al., 2014; Thomas & Ryan, 2008). Most of the studies on divorce in the family referred to the divorce of children’s parents and the relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren after the divorce crisis.
Grandchild–Grandparent Relations in Situations of Divorce by the Parents
Divorce affects grandparent–grandchild relations emotionally, cognitively, as well as regarding family routines, interactions, and many other aspects pertaining to the individual and to family life (Ganong et al., 2019). Parents often need help after the divorce, and the grandparents provide assistance with caring for the children, emotional and financial support, and contribute to the quality of life of the younger generations, both the grandchildren and their parents (Albertini & Tosi, 2018; Dolbin-MacNab, 2019; Ganong et al., 2019; Jappens & Van Bayel, 2016; Sorek, 2020; Timonen et al., 2011).
When families function well, the grandparents’ involvement is limited and temporary, but when the parents—the grandparents’ children—experience problems and crises, the grandparents are more involved for a lengthy period of time. The grandparents are active in helping their grandchildren, maintaining the family network, and they also mediate parent–child relations after the divorce. Sometimes the grandchildren prefer the grandparents to the parents, as the former are more accessible and listen to them in times of distress (Attar-Schwartz et al., 2009; Griggs et al., 2010; Timonen et al., 2011).
Jappens and Van Bavel (2016) found that parents’ divorce affects the frequency of face-to-face contact with the grandparents, such that grandchildren in families with divorced parents have less contact with their grandparents than in families where the parents are not divorced. However, residential and custody arrangements involving the grandchildren affect the frequency of contact with the paternal and maternal grandparents. For instance, grandchildren who live with their divorced father or whose parents have joint custody, see their paternal grandparents more than grandchildren of parents who are not divorced. Jewish Israeli adolescents (aged 12–18) from families with maternal custody reported being less close to their paternal grandmothers (Attar-Schwartz & Esme, 2017). In any case, although grandchildren’s relations with their maternal grandparents in a state of divorce tend to be closer than their relations with their paternal grandparents, the strength of the relationship with the grandparents, both maternal and paternal, is associated with their personal well-being and can assist them in difficult times throughout the parents’ divorce (Jappens & van Bavel, 2020).
Indeed, the assistance that grandparents provide to their grandchildren through encouragement and support and the contact that grandchildren develop with them following the divorce of their parents might have a positive effect on the grandchildren’s psychological functioning, as found by Henderson et al. (2009) in their study on the relations developed by young people aged 17–20 with their maternal grandmothers. In contrast, when the contact between grandparents and their grandchildren is severed due to the parents’ divorce, this has a negative effect on the grandparents’ mental health (e.g., Drew & Silverstein, 2007).
Relations Between Grandchildren and Stepgrandparents
There are several options as to how grandparents can become stepgrandparents: In one pattern, termed long-term stepgrandparents, a young person with children remarries or marries a spouse who has young or teenage children. In a second pattern, late-life stepgrandparents, an older person marries or remarries a grandparent (on this pattern we shall expand further below). A third pattern is inherited stepgrandparents, who are the parents of a biological child’s step-parent. Yet, another pattern is called the “skipped generation,” when a person marries or remarries a parent of young children who no longer live at home, and these young children become parents themselves (Chapman et al., 2016; Ganong et al., 2019).
Research findings on grandchild–grandparent relations in families with many grandparents indicate that grandchildren feel less close to stepgrandparents than to biological grandparents, who are more involved in their life. The low frequency of contact between them was explained primarily by the weaker emotional ties (Attar-Schwartz et al., 2009; Gold, 2015; Steinbach & Silverstein, 2020). Nonetheless, other studies show that grandchildren are satisfied with their relations with stepgrandparents, feel affection for them, and the stepgrandparents were described as close and emotionally supportive and as fulfilling traditional grandparent roles reinforced by the parents, and that they would like to see them more regularly. Moreover, children were also found to be more open to accepting a stepgrandparent than a step-parent, and that stepgrandparents accept the stepgrandchildren into their family network. Both the parents and the grandparents make an effort to build this relationship, which may be an important resource for children whose parents divorce and remarry (Chapman et al., 2016; Cherlin & Furtenberg, 1986; Christensen & Smith, 2002; Ganong et al., 2019; Sanner et al., 2019; Sanders & Trygstad, 1989; Steinbach & Silverstein, 2020).
Differences in the relationship of stepgrandchildren with their stepgrandparents were found associated with the stage at which the stepgrandparents’ joined the family (Chapman et al., 2018). The research findings show that stepgrandparents who are present in their grandchildren’s life in the long term, even before the grandchildren were born, were defined as part of the family, and their relationship with the grandchildren were more similar to relations with biological grandparents, mostly perceived as positive and emotionally close, versus stepgrandparents who joined the family later. This is due to the time at which they joined, the shared history, and the impact of the parents’ generation who were the children’s role models for relationships and served as gatekeepers for the stepgrandparents. Relations with stepgrandparents at a later period in life were perceived as distant or even threatening.
Versus the many studies that addressed grandparents’ relations with grandchildren after the parents’ divorce, few studies addressed the relations of grandparents with their grandchildren after the grandparents’ divorce, although this occurs in many countries (Ganong et al., 2019).
Relations of Divorced Grandparents with Their Grandchildren
Several researchers addressed this topic in their research. For instance, Uhlenberg and Hammill (1998) studied predictors of the frequency of grandparents’ visits to their grandchildren, and found one predictor to be the grandparent’s marital status, such that divorced grandparents are less in contact with their grandchildren than married grandparents. One comprehensive study on this topic was conducted by King (2003) in north central Iowa, US. Her study, which included 538 grandparents (493 married, in their first marriage, and 45 divorced), showed that divorced grandparents are certainly involved in the life of their grandchildren. Nonetheless, certain aspects of grandparenthood are negatively affected by the divorce. The importance of being a grandparent is less accentuated among divorced grandparents, that is, interaction with their grandchildren no longer defines their grandparenthood as in the past. They agree less with the opinion whereby a major value of their grandparenthood is having their grandchildren involved in their life, that because they have grandchildren they will continue to live in some way after their death, and that grandchildren belong to them just as to their parents. Divorced grandparents were also found to have less contact with their grandchildren, and to participate less in joint activities with them. Divorced grandparents report less emotional closeness to their grandchildren, do not assume the role of friends of their grandchildren, and experience high levels of conflict in their relationship.
According to King, the explanations for the negative effects of the grandparents’ divorce on their relations with the grandchildren stem from two main reasons: The grandparents lived far away from their children and grandchildren, and they also reported less contact with their adult children than non-divorced grandparents. Bad relations with their children may also have caused the grandparents to maintain a distance from them, as the divorce usually disrupts parent–child relations. The effect of grandparents’ relations with their children is evident when adult children serve as a bridge between grandparents and grandchildren, as when in the case of good relations between the grandparents and their children the former will also be able to form strong relations with their grandchildren and then the effect of the divorce is diminished.
Other findings from King’s (2003) study indicate that the impact of the divorce on diminishing relations with the grandchildren is more evident among grandfathers than among grandmothers due to the former’s tendency to live further away from their grandchildren, as found in the study conducted by Uhlenberg and Hammil (1998). Divorced grandfathers are also less inclined than grandmothers to share with their grandchildren life skills stemming from their life experience. In addition, the negative influence on the grandparent–grandchild relationship following the divorce of grandparents is more evident among paternal grandparents than among maternal grandparents, reflecting the nature of the grandparents’ relations with their adult children. As a result, paternal grandparents serve as mentors for their grandchildren less than maternal grandparents.
Another study conducted by Absher (2005) in central Oklahoma, US, compared 40 divorced grandparents to 61 married grandparents (who had never divorced) of grandchildren aged 12–18. The research findings showed that the saliency of grandparent–grandchild relations, the frequency of contact, shared activities, and time spent by grandparents in traditional grandparent roles, were no different between divorced grandparents and married grandparents. However, similar to King’s (2003) findings, the quality of the relationships between divorced grandmothers and their grandchildren was higher than that of divorced grandfathers. Moreover, the quality of the relationship was also affected by the parent–grandparent relationship, as the parent is an important and supportive mediating figure who boosts the close grandparent–grandchild relationship. In addition, geographical remoteness of the grandparents was associated with lower quality of the grandparent–grandchild relationship, frequency of contact, and activities involving spending time together.
The results of a Czech study (Hubatková et al., 2015) also indicated the significance of the relationship with the parents as mediating the relationship with the grandchildren. Data arising from the Czech SHARE (Survey of Health Ageing and Retirement in Europe) showed that divorced grandparents, and particularly grandfathers, were less involved in caring for their grandchildren because they had less frequent contact with their children.
Late-Life Stepgrandparent Relations with Their Grandchildren
Divorce among older couples leads to remarriage or cohabiting, or partners who do not live together, when some family members leave and others join (Brown & Wright, 2017). As stated above, one of the patterns of stepgrandparents is late-life stepgrandparents (Chapman et al., 2016), a status obtained by stepgrandparents due to a second marriage to a grandfather/grandmother. This usually occurs to those aged 50 and older and most are older adults and retirees, where their stepgrandchildren are usually adolescents or young adults (Ganong et al., 2019). The transition to this type of grandparenthood is complex and requires adjustment to the expanded family network of the new spouse, his/her children, and grandchildren, where the joining grandparent may have children and grandchildren of his/her own as well. Stepgrandchildren receive pointers from their parents on how to react to the grandparent’s second marriage. When the grandchildren are sufficiently mature they rely less on their parents for gatekeeping and are more independent in their decisions regarding how to relate to the new stepgrandparent (Chapman et al., 2018).
For many stepgrandchildren and their parents, the grandparent’s remarriage is a particularly tense transition if the stepgrandchildren lived in the core family for most of their life. To a certain degree, this is similar to the changes children undergo following the second marriage of a parent. They must negotiate ways of interaction with the biological grandparent who remarried and with the stepgrandparent, adjust to new rules, deal with uncomfortable feelings such as jealousy and anger, experience a loyalty conflict (Chapman et al., 2018). Koren and Lipman-Schiby (2014), who studied step-families, show how the renewed partnership of intimate relations at an older age changes the family structure when emotional experiences relate to the renewed partnership as alternative intimate relations but not alternative parenthood or grandparenthood. Ganong et al. (2019) noted that the biological grandparent must decide to what degree to involve the new spouse in the extended family, as well as finding a place for her/himself in the spouse’s family, and assume that stepgrandparents create a grandparenthood style that they experienced as children or as biological grandparents. In addition, divorced older men usually form a new intimate relationship more rapidly and to a greater extent than divorced older women, which can distance them from the younger generations and make it harder for them to adjust to stepgrandparenthood at a late stage of life (Chapman et al., 2016).
In summary, the research literature indicates a need for additional studies on the topic of divorced grandparents and their relationship with their grandchildren, and the current study aims to help fill this need. The purpose of this study was to examine the meaning of divorced grandparents' relationships with their grandchildren and the changes in these relationships from the grandparents' point of view. The research question was: How do divorced grandparents experience their relationship with their grandchildren after the divorce?
Methodology
In order to understand how grandparents experience their relationship with their grandchildren, the study utilized a qualitative methodology according to the phenomenological-interpretive approach (Smith & Osborn, 2003; Smith et al., 2009). This approach makes it possible to understand the meaning grandparents give to their relationship with their grandchildren after the divorce. The study was based on interviews with grandparents who fit the following criteria: grandfathers and grandmothers who had been divorced for over a year and who had at least one grandchild above the age of two when divorcing. The interviews followed a semi-structured in-depth interview guide that included several open-ended and general questions, which allowed the interviewee to share experiences at will and also made it possible to focus on topics meaningful for the study. For instance, “How are you experiencing grandparenthood since your divorce?”
Informed Consent and Ethics
The study followed customary ethical standards for qualitative research, as required by the American Psychological Association (2017). After receiving the approval of the ethics committee at the university where the study was conducted, the research participants were recruited by locating potential candidates on social networks as well as in the “snowball” method. After receiving their consent to be interviewed, a time and place for the interview was scheduled with the participants at their convenience. At the beginning of the interview, the participants received an explanation about the study and about how their confidentiality would be ensured. They were told that no identifying details would be noted in the research report, and pseudonyms would be used. They then signed an informed consent form.
The Sample
The sample included 22 divorced Jewish Israeli grandparents, 16 grandmothers, and 6 grandfathers. The age range was 54–81, mean age: 64.8. The mean age at divorce was 56.9, after more than 25 years of marriage. Of all participants, 5 had remarried and 3 had an intimate partner. Thirteen were employed and 9 were retirees. Most of the participants defined their financial state as good and their health condition as good or very good. Most of the participants had more than 4 children and they had between 3 and 22 grandchildren.
Method of Data Analysis
The data gathered were processed according to content analysis principles by categorizing them in main themes (Smith et al., 2009). The analysis process included several stages. In the first stage, the interview transcripts were read several times to receive an overall picture; in the second stage, the interview texts were divided into content units that were included under wider categories. Finally, an attempt was made to find common elements among the contents that had arisen in the different interviews. In this way, it was possible to organize the contents that arose from the interviews into 4 main themes, while maintaining the personal experience of each interviewee.
Findings
Theme 1: Informing the Grandchildren About the Divorce and Their Response
Most of the grandparents had not been involved in informing their grandchildren about the divorce. Usually the grandchildren’s parents (the grandparents’ children) informed the grandchildren, as noted by Sarah: Each of my children told his children about it [the divorce] as appropriate for their age. I did not tell them.
After a while, some of the grandchildren asked them questions. Sometimes this was linked to the grandchildren’s age. As John said: At first they did not ask questions … Now they have grown up and started asking me why I was divorced.
Rachel spoke about her need to explain the situation to her grandchildren:
At first it [the divorce] was strange for them and they did not understand. I explained that we had decided to separate because we didn’t feel good together.
Yael added excitedly in this respect: My grandchildren understood the situation. They said, so naively, that if I’m happy then they’re happy, and I was moved by that…
Sarah added that in her opinion the grandchildren benefit from the current situation: The status of the grandparents is not important [for the grandchildren]. They [the grandchildren] receive two presents for their birthday, and everything else is double. They are very pleased with it … Once a year he [the grandfather, my ex-husband] takes them to a hotel, I take them to a hotel, they are courted on all levels…
Ruthie and Yael spoke about pleasant experiences they had with their young grandchildren.
Ruthie
A month ago one grandson, five years old, told me that I am really poor because I live alone, and he suggested to come and live with me… It was cute … I tried to convince him that I am not poor.
Yael
My four-year-old granddaughter asked me: ‘Who is your husband now?’ because you need one… it was funny …
Theme 2: The effect of the relationship between the divorced grandparents on the grandchildren’s perception of the divorce
In the grandparents’ opinion, the nature of their relations with the former spouse after the divorce affected their grandchildren’s perception and attitude to the grandparents’ divorce.
Two subthemes were found within this theme:
Subtheme 1: Good relationships between grandparents
When the relations between the grandparents are good, the grandchildren accept the divorce positively.
Tova noted: My ex-husband and I get along well, and he comes to my house for the weekend when the grandchildren come. His chair remained in its place. [Because of that] the the grandchildren have a more positive perception of the divorce.
Galit asked one of her granddaughters how she feels about the divorce: A few months ago, I asked one of my granddaughters how she feels about my divorce. She answered that it seems fine to her: “There is no tension, and you talk to each other, and everything is pleasant.”
Subtheme 2: Conflictual relationships between grandparents
The second subtheme deals with conflict situations between the grandparents. In the grandparents’ opinion, some grandchildren assume the role of mediators between their grandparents. For example, Shlomit’s granddaughter: I did not want to talk to him [to my ex-husband]. He wanted to talk to me, and waited for me near my house… S. [my granddaughter] tried to convince me to go downstairs … and he was there … and then she tried to change the situation …
Theme 3: The effect of the relationship with the parents' generation on the relations between grandparents and grandchildren
The role of the intermediate generation (the parents) as “gatekeepers”—mediators between the grandparents’ generation and the grandchildren’s generation—is very significant in the context of the grandchildren, especially at a young age.
The nature of the relations with the children following the divorce affects the relationship with the grandchildren, as noted by Sharon: If the grandchildren see that we [my children and I] have a conflict they do not know what position to take. If the atmosphere between us is good it also affects them, and our relationship is fine.
Similarly, Yitzhak spoke about the significance of the relationship with his children and how it affects the relationship with his grandchildren and his feelings: The interaction between my children and me is important - if this interaction is good, the children encourage me as a grandfather, and they urge my grandchildren to be in contact with me. I’m happy ….
The attitude of the parents, the intermediate generation, is important for maintaining the relationship between the grandparents and grandchildren, also those born after the divorce, and the grandchildren themselves have a role as a channel for the grandparents’ relations with their children, the grandchildren’s parents, as Ruthie explained:
Most of the grandchildren were born after the divorce. So once again, the relations [with the grandchildren] depend on their parents’ relationship with me, and the grandchildren themselves facilitated a new channel for contact with the children as well. The grandchildren form something new that connects, for instance P. [the son]. When his child was born he would telephone to consult and ask questions, and that had the effect of forming something new [because] previously he had strongly fought me.
Theme 4: The relationship with the grandchildren
In this theme 5, subthemes were found, including the frequency of encounters between grandparents and their grandchildren after the divorce, who initiates encounters, the essence of the grandparent–grandchild relationship, the meaning of the grandparents’ home, and the relationship with the grandchildren in light of the grandparents’ new intimate relationship.
Subtheme 1: The frequency of the meetings
There are three patterns regarding the frequency of meetings following the divorce;
A. No change
For instance, Sarah noted: “It’s the same, there’s no difference.”
Shimon also noted, similarly: There is no difference. I love my grandchildren and I’m willing to give them anything… And they come here. I like to be with them. Its hard for me to go to them… Every grandchild who comes, it has always been this way, kisses me on the cheek and says hello nicely, and also when they leave. And I feel very close to them and that’s what’s important.
Ruthie too reported no change in the frequency of the encounters, although her mode of transportation for reaching the grandchildren has changed: I meet with my grandchildren as often as before the divorce, but now I come by bus. I just don’t bring as much food as I would when I came in a car.
B. More frequent meetings with the grandchildren
More frequent encounters occur when there is no need to coordinate with the spouse, and since grandparents feel more independent and free to set dates for meeting the grandchildren on their own. For instance Shlomit said: It depends only on me. Its all up to me now, no one stops me… it’s a big change and improvement. [Before the divorce] I wouldn’t visit my children at all. I was sort of a captive at home. Now I can go visit them when I want and invite them when I want, not depending on him [on my ex-husband]. I depend only on myself, and I can decide to visit them on the spur of the moment. I feel more comfortable to contact my grandchildren. For example, I love that the grandchildren come a lot on weekends but … it used to bother my ex-husband … Now I’m free to invite them. I see them much more often. There are no restrictions on when they can come and when I see them.
The time freed as a result of the divorce also make encounters with the grandchildren more feasible, as Ruthie and Moshe said:
Ruthie: I am with the grandchildren whenever I have any free time. My availability is higher, so the meetings [with my grandchildren] are stronger…Because I’m alone I see them more often.
Moshe: I think I meet with them [with my grandchildren] more because I have more free time now.
Another reason for more meetings is when grandparents move closer to the grandchildren after the divorce. For instance Yael related: When I moved from the south [of Israel] to the center after the divorce, the relationship with my grandchildren grew very strong physically and it was enhanced emotionally too. I see ]my grandchildren more frequently] because I am close to them…there is much more contact and meetings and more closeness, and one of the granddaughters even tells my son all the time that she wants to see me and meet me, and it makes me happy.
C. Fewer meetings after the divorce
Then again, several grandparents noted that their meetings with the grandchildren had diminished after the divorce. One of the reasons is the geographic distance between their homes following the divorce, and sometimes by choice. Interestingly, some of the grandmothers were satisfied with this state of affairs, which allowed them to respond more assertively to requests to care for their grandchildren and also to pay more attention to themselves, as evident in the words of Rachel and Tova.
Rachel: The geographic distance [after the divorce] caused a change. It’s fine with me … Now I’m more assertive and know when to say ‘No’ [to babysitting, etc.]. Now I mainly want to take care of myself.
Tova: I know that if you live close, you can lose control because you constantly feel that you need to help the children. So I made a decision not to live very close. Close but not too close … and I try to please myself first and then others
Another reason for the reduced meetings has to do with the many occupations of the grandparents after the divorce. For example, Sharon relates that she dedicates more time to work than before the divorce: I do not meet them as much as I would like. I work very hard so I do not always have time for babysitting and other things.
Sometimes grandparents have a conflictual relationship with their children, the grandchildren’s parents, due to the divorce. For instance, Idit spoke about a split with several of her children, with the consequence being that she didn’t see her grandchildren for several years: There was a break with some of my children [because of the divorce], and this affected the relationship with the grandchildren. For example, G. [my son]. He did not talk to me for a few years. Even his young daughter, of whose birth I found out by chance, I first saw her only at the age of 4 …and it has continued until now, because there was a ‘battle’ among the children, who is with me and who is against me, even though he [my ex-husband] remarried, there are still 'camps'. There were periods when they [the children] came here and it looked good, but there was tension all the time, so it’s clear that the divorce, which simply revealed what had been there for many years, caused a complexity in the relationship with the grandchildren.
Subtheme 2: Initiating the meetings
Most of the participants described a shared initiative for meetings, which included themselves, the grandchildren’s parents, and the grandchildren themselves (depending on the age of the grandchildren).
As Sarah noted:
Sometimes I initiate the meetings and sometimes the grandchildren, it’s very dynamic and there are no rules.
In some cases the divorce also caused a different attitude by the grandfathers, who in the past had mainly relied on their wives to initiate meetings with the grandchildren and after the divorce were more active and initiated meetings with the grandchildren themselves. This change was explained by Ruthie: As a result of my leaving, his [my ex-husband] relationships with the grandchildren and children grew stronger. Now he is more active and present in their lives. When we were married he was used to me running everything. The divorce has really introduced order and organization into the family.
Yoram proudly related that close and strong relations had developed between him and his grandchildren and among the grandchildren themselves due to his initiative: When I got divorced, the meetings were with each of the grandchildren once every week or two, and afterwards I decided that there would be a family meal once a month, and until now that is what happens, so there are relationships among the grandchildren themselves and not only with me… And once a year, in the summer, I invite all the grandchildren to spend a vacation together … It was at my initiative, mine alone…
Also evident was the grandmother’s initiative to first rebuild her relations with her children, due to the family conflict formed as a result of the divorce, and then with her grandchildren. As Idit related: After the divorce I had to create new relationships with each of the children, even with the children who were on my side, and of course with the children who were against me. It was a very big effort, to explain what was happening with me and then to draw close to everyone. I went to everyone …. At first all the children were incited against me, and it was a big challenge! I’m glad I made the effort because it helped further develop the relationships with the grandchildren as well.
Subtheme 3: The nature of the grandparents’ encounters with the grandchildren
Among most of the grandparents there was no change following the divorce: spending time together during the year and during vacations; at home, watching a movie, shopping, trips, etc. The role of grandparents who have young grandchildren is characterized by physical care, like a babysitter. The role of grandparents who have older grandchildren is characterized by counseling and guidance in life situations.
Sarah noted: What grandmother did before the divorce she continues even after the divorce.
Shimon added: I continue my role, to play, to talk to them. I’ll tell you a story: My granddaughter called me at 11 am and asked me what I was doing that evening. I asked her why and she said that her parents were going to a wedding that evening and we would like you to babysit for us. I said okay and at 8 pm I was at their house [in southern Israel]. I was with them until midnight.
Subtheme 4: The meaning of the home
The grandparents noted the special meaning of the home itself, which had always provided a secure setting for the grandparents’ relations with their grandchildren, and indicated the change associated with the fact that the “grandparents’ home” as formerly known no longer existed.
Yael explained: What is different is that there is no longer a ‘home’, the place where the parents grew up and the grandchildren can see … We deliberated before the divorce if this was enough of a reason to stay together, but it was really not enough to stay… For my ‘milestone birthday’ I invited everyone for a weekend to a hotel and it was really fun … it was a little like Grandma and Grandpa’s house.
Yoav too related to the home from another perspective. In his opinion, it is important for every grandchild to have room for him or herself, so he moved to a large apartment: I moved [after the divorce] to a large apartment even though I was alone, so there would be room for everyone and they [the grandchildren] can come to visit for a few days, and it is pleasant for them, and there are family meals … Fortunately, the financial situation helps in such cases.
The symbolic meaning ascribed by the grandparents to the home setting is also in the possibility of holding joint encounters after the divorce, such as birthdays and joint meals, when the divorced grandparents are on good terms. Yoram spoke about the regular custom of joint meals and shared birthday celebrations that he introduced: I introduced a monthly family meal, almost forcefully, by order, when my three children, the grandchildren, my ex-wife, and I meet. We celebrate the birthdays that occur at that time and it has continued to this day, once a month. The monthly meal takes place at my place or at my ex-wife’s or at one of the children’s homes. There is a set order so no one cops out, because it’s clear.
Shlomit too spoke about joint meals also attended by her ex-husband, which help maintain the previous home atmosphere for the grandchildren, and as a result their attitude to the divorce is also more positive: My ex-husband and I have an excellent relationship and he comes for weekends when the grandchildren are here, and he still sits in his regular place at Friday night dinners. Anyone from outside who saw us on Friday night dinners with the grandchildren and everyone, would think that everything was as usual and would not understand that we are divorced, so the grandchildren have a more positive perception of the divorce.
Subtheme 5: The relationship with the grandchildren in light of a new intimate relationship
Several interviewees had remarried or had a new intimate relationship.
Sarah described the concerns that arose at the beginning among her children as well as her grandchildren: When I remarried there were questions. “What, another grandfather?”… There was talk about the divorce [because] there were more grandchildren… there was someone to talk to. [Now] they think that I did the best thing in the world. My current spouse loves them dearly, sees them as his own grandchildren. I too see his grandchildren as my own. From the beginning we decided that that is the family we would have, one family together… The grandchildren belong to both of us, we give undiscriminatingly, according to our ability.
Dalia too described the concerns, for instance by her second husband’s grandchildren, side by side with her satisfaction with the second marriage: [I] wish everyone such a life in the second round. Y.’s [her husband] granddaughter too, who is 10 years old, at first hardly spoke to me, and that is understandable because she was afraid that I would take [her] grandmother’s place. But today things are better, she sees me and hugs me.
Ronny added that he feels no change in the grandparenthood experience as a divorced grandfather who has remarried: As I see it, I feel no difference between being a married grandfather and a divorced grandfather and now [a remarried grandfather]. [Because] I didn’t let the divorce cause a separation.
Discussion
The current study brings the perspective of divorced grandparents on their relationship with their grandchildren after the divorce, consistent with previous studies (Absher, 2005; King, 2003). The interviews with the grandparents indicate the significance and meaning of the grandchildren for their life as well as the efforts they make to maintain this relationship. For example, the grandparents describe their desire to continue carrying out their traditional roles such as babysitting for their grandchildren or bringing them cooked food, even though this entails taking public transportation and traveling large distances. The grandparents remain involved in their grandchildren’s life, although several changes are evident following the divorce. One of these changes is manifested in grandmothers’ self-concept of themselves, in the desire to reach self-realization and care for themselves and therefore they sometimes choose to live far from the grandchildren so that they will not have to constantly serve as their caregiver and supervisor and it will be easier for them to refuse. Indeed, one of the results of divorce at a late age is raising one’s self-confidence, self-growth, relief, sense of freedom, and independence (Canham et al., 2014; Thomas & Ryan, 2008). The sense of freedom and independence serves mainly the grandmothers, also in their initiatives to meet their grandchildren, whether inviting them to their homes or traveling to visit them, unrelated to the wishes of the ex-husband who didn’t always agree to do so.
Interestingly, the separation between the grandparents also gave the grandfathers the independence to directly initiate contact with the grandchildren as they could no longer rely on their ex-wives who had been in charge of maintaining contact and meetings with the grandchildren and also served as gatekeepers between the grandfathers and their grandchildren (Moore & Rosenthal, 2017). In any case, in contrast to previous studies (Absher, 2005; King, 2003), in our study, the grandfathers did not report less contact with their grandchildren than the grandmothers; on the contrary, the grandfathers interviewed stated that they were continuing their previous roles such as telling stories and playing with the grandchildren. They also stressed the significance they give to meeting the grandchildren together at their home, and for this purpose, one of the grandparents adapted his rental apartment so that each grandchild could have his own room or on shared vacations. Namely, both the grandmothers and the grandfathers stressed the significance of remaining in contact with their grandchildren after the divorce to avoid a break in the relationship. Indeed, other studies emphasize the grandparents’ involvement in their grandchildren’s life in various activities such as spending leisure time (e.g., Bates & Goodsell, 2013). Notably, the geographic distance emphasized in the studies of Absher (2005), King, (2003), and Uhlenberg and Hammil (1998), conducted in the US, as a factor associated with a diminished frequency of encounters and a drop in common activities of divorced grandparents and particularly grandfathers, was not evident among the Israeli grandparents interviewed in our study. This may be because Israel is a small country, such that even if the grandparents’ residential arrangements change it is still possible to bridge the distances, more than in the US.
An important element in grandparents’ relationship with their grandchildren is their relationship with their own children, the grandchildren’s parents, who serve as gatekeepers and mediators particularly when the children are still young (Chan & Elder, 2000). The research findings of King (2003) and Absher (2005) indicate that the relationship between the grandparents and their grandchildren after the divorce is affected by the parents’ relationship with the grandparents, due to their dominance and mediation of the contact. Ganong et al. (2019) note that the children sometimes “take sides” in their parents’ divorce conflict and if grandfathers are blamed for the marital problems more than grandmothers by their children, then the grandfathers will be kept more at a distance and will therefore have less contact with the grandchildren.
Indeed, the interviews with the grandparents in our study show that the quality of grandparents’ relationship with their children after the divorce affects their subsequent relations with the grandchildren. When their interaction is good, the relations with the grandchildren are also facilitated and exist as before the divorce, while when there are tensions and conflicts this sometimes leads to separation, as noted by one of the grandmothers who did not see her grandchildren due to anger and separation with her son, and only after several years did she first meet her granddaughter who had been born during the period of separation. Then again, the grandchildren help bridge the gap and the separation and serve as a communication channel between the generations, as related by another grandmother for whom the birth of a granddaughter urged her son to reconnect with her and to consult with her concerning the baby—the granddaughter. In any case, the significance of the children as mediators between the generations is so great that in a state of distancing and anger following the divorce one of the grandmothers described, for instance, that she first rebuilt the relationship with her children in order to enable contact with her grandchildren.
The relationship among the divorced grandparents themselves also affected the grandchildren’s attitude to the divorce, and according to the grandparents when the relationship was good and in certain cases they continued to meet on birthdays and weekends, the grandchildren accepted the fact of the divorce well and it was easy for them to adjust to the new situation. This is similar to the state of children whose parents have divorced, where the children would like to see a low level of conflict between the parents after the divorce, as well as interaction and cooperation on their behalf, thus avoiding the loyalty conflict that sometimes emerges among children of divorced parents (Sadowski & McIntosh, 2016). In states of conflict between the parents, the children felt that they could reduce the conflicts by being bridge builders between their parents. They observed their parents and adapted to the emotional atmosphere between them (Johnsen et al., 2018). Interestingly, we saw similarly in our study that in states of conflict and anger between grandparents, grandchildren try to reconcile between them, as done by one of the granddaughters of whom the grandmother related that she tried to cause the grandmother and grandfather to meet although the grandmother was not interested. In grandchildren’ attempts to mediate between the grandparents, they may be trying to reduce the feelings of double loyalty that they themselves feel toward their grandparents.
Another issue that arises in the experiences of children of divorced parents is that of losing their home with the divorce and of forming of a new home. The children feel sorrow and longing for their previous home that included their mother and father (Johnsen et al., 2018). Similarly, the grandparents in our study related to the home in its symbolic meaning. They expressed sorrow that the grandchildren would no longer come to the home where their parents had grown up, as in most cases the grandparents had moved elsewhere after the divorce, and they themselves found it hard to leave their home that contained many memories of family events (Bair, 2007). The significance of the home setting as granting security to the relationship was raised also as a consideration involved in whether to remain together and not divorce, as noted by one of the grandmothers. The need to rebuild the grandfather/grandmother’s home is manifested in living in a sufficiently large house that makes it possible for all the grandchildren to gather together and that can replace the previous house that is no longer, as well as in joint encounters by the divorced grandparents with their grandchildren if they remain on good terms, in order to preserve the “togetherness” symbolized by the home.
A significant change in the relationship between divorced grandparents and their grandchildren occurs with the entrance of a new spouse to the family. This situation might cause tension and requires additional adjustment by the grandchildren to new ways of interaction, both with the biological grandfather and with the stepgrandfather, similar to the entrance of a step-parent to their life. When the children are young, they utilize their parents’ help; here too they utilize their parents’ help, where the parents model for them how to conduct themselves, and when they are older, they reach independent decisions regarding their stepgrandparents (Chapman et al., 2018). Similar to the findings of Chapman et al. (2016), in our study as well, the grandmothers noted the concerns that arose at the beginning of their new intimate relationship, both by their children and by their grandchildren. However, the warm and loving attitude they formed together with their new spouses and their efforts to avoid taking the place of the grandchildren’s other biological grandparents, led to positive feelings and acceptance of the stepgrandparents by the extensive family.
Research Limitations and Suggestions for Further Research
This study has several limitations that involve the sample. First of all, only 22 divorced grandparents were interviewed for the study, so it does not contrive to be generalizable to the entire population of divorced grandparents. It is desirable to conduct a quantitative study on this topic as well, with a large number and variety of grandparents. Secondly, the sample in the current study included only one cultural sector, Jewish Israelis, and since Israel is a diverse country in its cultures and ethnicities, it is desirable to conduct a study that will include other ethnicities such as Arabs, Bedouin, and Druze. Third, only grandparents were interviewed in the study also regarding their views on the grandchildren’s feelings. It is important to bring the perspective of the grandchildren themselves and to conduct a study among grandchildren of divorced grandparents, at different ages. It would be particularly interesting to conduct a study on dyads of divorced grandparents and grandchildren from the same families.
Summary and Conclusions
Despite the research limitations noted above, the research findings enrich the knowledge on the relationship between divorced grandparents and their grandchildren, a field of research not sufficiently investigated. The phenomenon of late divorce has been expanding in recent years in many countries and the research findings illuminated important views from the grandparents’ perspective. Grandparents who have experienced divorce continue to be involved with their grandchildren although some changes can be seen as a result of the divorce process. A negative impact of the divorce on grandparent–grandchild relationships exists in cases where the relationship with the parents (the grandparents' children) is problematic.
In view of the increasing prevalence of divorce in later years, it is necessary to continue studying how grandparents on one hand, and grandchildren on the other, build their unique relationships. Since the relationships between grandparents and grandchildren contribute both to the grandparents and to the grandchildren, it is important to encourage communication and contact between the generations.
Footnotes
Declaration of conflicting interests
The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
