Parental Alienating Behaviours Experienced by Alienated Grandparents

Abstract

This study explored parental alienating behaviours experienced by grandparents with limited or no contact with their grandchildren. Twelve alienated grandparents participated in semi-structured interviews investigating their experience of alienation. The data were analysed using an inductive thematic analysis approach. Alienated grandparents reported being exposed to 13 parental alienating behaviours used by the alienating parent. These behaviours are consistent with those reported by targeted parents and adult alienated children in other studies. This study showed that parental alienating behaviours also affects grandparent-child relationships. Further research is needed to better understand the impact of parental alienation on grandparents and the wider family system.

Keywords

grandparents parental alienation parental alienating behaviours grandchildren family relationships

What Is Parental Alienation?

Parental alienation can be defined as a child refusing contact with a parent (i.e., targeted parent) for no justifiable reason (Gardner, 1998). This contact refusal is achieved through a combination of (1) one parent (i.e., alienating parent) brainwashing the child to believe the targeted parent is dangerous, unloving and/or unavailable to the child; (2) the child’s continued active participation in an unjustified vilification of the targeted parent; and (3) the alienating parent sabotaging the child’s time spent with the targeted parent (Gardner, 1998). The alienating parent, that is, the parent engaging in the alienating behaviour, controls and encourages the child to despise, be fearful of, and reject the targeted parent (Baker & Darnall, 2006; Vassiliou & Cartwright, 2001).

Parental alienation does not include instances of when a child rejects a parent on a legitimate and reasonable bases, such as estrangement, resistance to remarriage or the parenting style of the rejected parent (Haines, Matthewson, & Turnbull, 2020). For the purpose of this study, parental alienation is recognised to exist when an alienating parent uses purposeful strategies to sabotage the relationship between the child and targeted parent and indeed other family members such as grandparents.

Parental Alienation as Family Violence and Child Maltreatment

More recently, parental alienation has been discussed in the literature as a form of family violence and child maltreatment (Harman & Matthewson, 2020). It has been suggested that alienating parents use coercion and control in ways similar to cult leaders (Baker, 2005). Alienating parents can emotionally manipulate and verbally, physically and financially abuse their children and the targeted parent. This abuse can occur before and after family separation, to maintain control over their children (Haines, et al., 2020; Harman, Kruk, & Hines, 2018; Harman & Matthewson, 2020). Alienating behaviours can be viewed as a continuation of pre-separation family violence where the perpetrator, the alienating parent, uses the children to continue to control their ex-partner (Poustie, Matthewson, & Balmer, 2018). Through the alienation process, alienated children are subjected to neglect, emotional and physical abuse perpetrated by the alienating parent (Clawar & Rivlin, 2013) and they are isolated from previously known social support networks (Harman et al., 2020). The alienating parent’s demand for loyalty means the child is often forced to choose between having a relationship with the alienating parent and having contact with other family members, such as grandparents (Haines et al., 2020).

Grandparents’ Involvement

The key people in the parental alienating process are typically the alienating parent, targeted parent and the child. Indeed, the research reflects this, mostly focusing on the alienating process, (e.g., Gardner, 1998), the impact on the child (e.g., Baker, 2007) and the experiences of the targeted parent (e.g., Lee-Maturana, Matthewson & Dwan, 2021). The experiences of other significant members of the extended family, such as grandparents, however, has been mentioned in the literature (Haines et al., 2020). In fact, in recent years, grandparents have been earmarked as collateral damage in parental alienation (Golly, 2016). Golly (2016) asserted that “alienated grandparents” existed, because the effects of parental alienating behaviours in the middle generation is extended to badmouthing and subsequent rejection of the extended family of the targeted parent. When the grandparent-grandchild relationship is damaged because of parental alienating behaviours, the benefits of this bond to both parties are nullified.

A snapshot of grandparenthood attained through a 6-year longitudinal study of 430 Australian grandparents revealed that approximately 10% of the sample had no contact with their grandchildren (Condon, Corkindale, Luszcz & Gamble, 2013). Information gathered through written questionnaires indicated that one of the most common reported obstacles for contact with their grandchildren were constraints applied by the parents of the grandchildren (Condon et al., 2013). A relationship between intra-family conflict and grandparent-grandchild contact exists, on the basis that conflict leads to an increased emphasis on the gatekeeping role that restricts engagement with the other parent and his/her extended family (Westphal, Poortman & Van der Lippe, 2015). Therefore, the grandparent-grandchild relationship is likely to remain intact and close after parental separation if the grandparent is related to the custodial parent, rather than the noncustodial one (Ehrenberg & Smith, 2003; Jappens, 2018; Kruk, 1995; Westphal et al., 2015). When parental alienating behaviours being used, the custodial parent (the alienating parent) tends to be the gatekeeper, isolating the non-custodial parent (the targeted parent) and causing a spill-over effect leading to the concurrent alienation of the targeted parent’s family. This was found in literature, with most grandparents stating they lost contact with their grandchildren due to their child-in-law discouraging visitation (Kruk, 1995).

Current Study: Rationale

Even with some research into the impact of divorce on the grandparent-grandchild relationship, and evidence that the extended family are also affected by parental alienating behaviours, little is known about the experiences of alienated grandparents. The present study aims to explore the parental alienating behaviours grandparents have been exposed to that has led to them being alienated from their grandchildren. This study focuses on the experiences of the parents of TPs and is exploratory in nature.

Method

Participants

Twelve alienated grandparents participated in a semi-structured interview. Participants were recruited through advertising on social media including through an online international parental alienation support organisation. Interested grandparents contacted the researchers via an email address dedicated to the research project. The inclusion criteria dictated that participants must be alienated from their grandchild/ren because of parental alienating behaviours. More specifically, the alienation of the grandparent must have occurred due to their son/daughter being alienated from their own child/ren. One additional participant was interviewed prior to being excluded from the study due to not meeting these criteria.

Eligibility for the study was determined through a screening questionnaire developed by the researchers and adapted for alienated grandparents from (Balmer, Matthewson & Haines 2018). This screening measure involved grandparents providing Yes/No responses to 13 questions about tactics used to alienate either/both the parent and the grandparent from the children. Grandparents were included if they endorsed five or more of the items on the screening measure. The semi-structured interviews took place via Skype or Zoom either through videoconferencing or a phone call. The interviews were audio-recorded and transcribed verbatim to ensure data accuracy.

The sample involved predominantly female grandparents (92%) between the ages of 62 and 74 years, most of whom currently resided in Australia (92%). Grandparents had on average two grandchildren (2.0) who were of an average age of 14.75 years. They reported having been alienated from their grandchildren for an average of 7.3 years. Table 1 summarises demographic variables associated with the alienated grandparent. Table 2 provides demographic information about the targeted parent and alienating parents. Table 3 includes demographic information about the alienated child.

Table 1.

Demographics of Alienated Grandparents.

Participant Number	Age	Sex	Country of Residence	Country of Birth	Relationship Status	Employment Status
1	63	F	Australia	Australia	Divorced	Part-time
2	69	F	Australia	Australia	Married	Retired
3	65	F	Australia	Australia	Married	Part-time
4	73	M	Australia	UK	Married	Semi-retired
5	68	F	Australia	Australia	Married	Retired
6	74	F	Australia	Hungary	Married	Retired
7	69	F	Australia	Netherlands	Divorced	Retired
8	68	F	Australia	Australia	De facto	Retired
9	69	F	Australia	Australia	Married	Retired
10	70	F	Australia	Australia	Widowed	Retired
11	62	F	UK	UK	Married	Semi-retired
12	63	F	Australia	Australia	Married	Retired

Table 2.

Demographics of Targeted and Alienated Parents.

Participant Number	TP Sex	AP Sex	Length of Relationship	Length of Separation
1	Male	Female	3 years	10 years
2	Male	Female	4 months	5.5 years
3	Female	Male	5 years	10 years
4	Female	Male	12 years	3 years
5	Male	Female	16 years	7 years
6	Male	Female	7 years	11 years
7	Male	Female	5 years	14 years
8	Female	Male	1.5 years	12 years
9	Female	Male	10 years	9 years
10	Male	Female	18 years	11 years
11	Male	Female	5 years	13 years
12	Male	Female	14 years	12 years

Note. TP = targeted parent; AP = alienating parent.

Table 3.

Demographics of Alienated Grandchildren.

ID	Number of Grandchildren Alienated from	Age of Grandchildren	Sex of Grandchildren	Time Alienated from Grandchildren
1	Two	13, 12	M, F	8 years
2	One	5	M	5 years
3	Two	11, 9	F, F	3 years
4	Two	12, 10	M, M	3 years
5	One	17	M	7 years
6	Two	18, 16	M, M	12 years
7	Two	19, 17	F, F	13 years
8	One	12	M	12 years
9	Two	16, 14	F, F	2 years
10	Two	18, 15	M, F	9 years
11	Four	19, 16, 11, 11	F, F, F, F	5 years
12	Three	24, 21, 18	F, F, M	9 years

Materials

Participants were asked demographic questions to understand the context in which the alienated grandparents were living, as well as the socio-demographics of the targeted parents and the alienated grandchildren. Information gathered included age, sex, country of birth, current residency, relationship status and employment status. Information asked about the family included sex of the alienating parents and targeted parents, length of relationship, time since separation, number of grandchildren, age/sex of grandchildren, time alienated from grandchildren, current location of grandchildren and any custody orders or care arrangements in place.

Upon expressing interest in the research, potential participants were provided with an information sheet outlining the specifics of the study and contact details, a consent form explaining confidentiality and its limitations, and the screening questionnaire ascertaining eligibility of the study based on alienating tactics identified. A signed consent form and completed screening questionnaire were required prior to scheduling the participant interview.

An interview pro forma was developed to provide standardised question stems to ask of each participant relating to their experiences as an alienated grandparent. These question stems can be obtained from the corresponding author. Interviews were recorded on a Sony 4 GB USB Notetaker (ICDPX470).

Procedure

Ethics approval for the current study was granted by the University of Tasmania’s Social Sciences Human Research Ethics Committee (Ethics Ref No: H0017472). Semi-structured interviews tended to last 60–90 min. This method of qualitative research was used to encompass the diversity of experiences expected for alienated grandparents, as well as to canvas and collate common themes. Standardised question stems were asked of the participants to target key information about their experiences.

The interview recordings were then transcribed verbatim to produce transcripts which were then password-protected and emailed to participants for review. Participants were invited to advise the researcher of any inaccuracies or make amendments to the transcript themselves, prior to sending back with approval to proceed with use of their data. The resultant data were coded for common themes and sub-themes using NVivo-12 software and analysed in accordance with Braun and Clarke’s (2006) standards of thematic analysis.

Data Analysis

The data of the current study are analysed using the pragmatic paradigm, which allows for an individual’s experience of a phenomenon to be described as it exists, without considering it within the larger context of realism (Morgan, 2014). The pragmatic approach allows for a holistic approach of including both subjective interpretation and empirical experiences in the analysis (Yardley & Bishop, 2007)

The data were analysed using N-Vivo software (QSR International, 2018) to systematically code and extract themes around the grandparents’ experiences. The themes were established using an inductive approach, meaning theme development was driven by the content of the data itself, rather than using the data to fit any pre-existing framework. To guide thematic analysis, Braun and Clarke’s (2006) six phases were used. Additionally, the “Four-Dimensions Criteria” (credibility, dependability, confirmability and transferability) were used to ensure methodological rigour (Forero et al., 2018).

Credibility was assured through the development of a standardised interview pro forma, to ensure the same information was extracted from each participant. Dependability was ensured through the development and finalisation of the research protocol, as well as maintaining a track record of the data collection process. Two researchers reviewed the interview transcripts and independently considered these in relation to potential themes. Confirmability of the data was determined by regular meetings between the researchers that involved reflection and discussion of the content of the data extracts and subsequent thematic analysis. Triangulation of the themes was ensured through comparing them to each transcript, researcher interpretation and existing parental alienation research. Provisional themes were drafted and presented to peers at conferences and meetings for feedback. Transferability was assured through focussed sampling and obtaining data saturation. Saturation was achieved once no new themes were emerging from the data - inductive thematic saturation (e.g., Saunders et al., 2018). The decision of saturation was determined through researcher reflection and stepped analysis, in which new participant reports were compared to the provisional themes from initial data extracts. When participants were no longer introducing new themes, data extraction was ceased. In this case, inclusion of 12 participants was deemed to meet saturation; a number which is accepted in previous literature to be an appropriate saturation point for research involving thematic analysis (e.g., Ando, Cousins & Young, 2014; Guest, Bunce & Johnson, 2006).

Results

Parental Alienating Behaviours

The alienated grandparents were asked what kind of parental alienating behaviours the alienating parent had used to alienate their grandchildren from them their own child (the targeted parent). All 12 of the participants identified parental alienating behaviours which were then categorised into thirteen sub-themes depicted below in Figure 1 and explained further thereafter. For the current research, only the parental alienating behaviours relating to the grandparents’ alienation are included.

Figure 1.

Alienating tactics described by grandparents.

Brainwashing

Nine of the 12 alienated grandparents described instances in which the alienating parent brainwashed their grandchildren. Some alienated grandparents reported that the alienating parent had told the grandchildren their grandparent did not love them anymore.

“I’ve been to nearly all the visitations and everything and my daughter-in-law went up instead of me and she said “oh [name of grandparent] doesn’t care about you”.”

Alienated grandparents described how alienating parents provided one-sided accounts of events that were reportedly untrue but believed by the grandchildren.

“I don’t think they know what’s real anymore because they’re told so many stories.”

Other grandparents described how the alienating parent brainwashed the grandchildren through highlighting their own actions and behaviours as positive and behaviours related to the targeted parent or alienated grandparent as negative.

“I mean, it’s been that much of a denial of access to all of us and anything – and he tells [grandchild], “those presents are only to buy your love.” It’s all that sort of thing. It’s made to be something bad.”

The grandchildren have reportedly been taught by the alienating parent to hate and/or fear the targeted parent and alienated grandparent/s.

“Since he’s been away those three years, he’s now been taught how to hate his mother, and apparently, hate his grandparents.”

Some brainwashing was reported to include the alienating parent recruiting one of the grandchildren to persuade and manipulate the other grandchildren to withdraw contact, sometimes through the promise of materialistic incentives.

“Then the boy [grandson] used to get into the girl [granddaughter] and say, “you don’t have to see him if you don’t want to.” So, whatever they were saying to the boy, the boy was then ganging up and trying to influence the girl not to come.”

Other alienated grandparents referred to adultification of the grandchildren, instructing them to say or write certain things that were perceived by the grandparents to be outside their age-appropriate vocabulary.

“We also hear him talk in words that were not applicable to an 8-year-old or a 10-year-old. They were adult statements and the programming was evident from young, but we just never thought that he would be so cruel, that he would manipulate him so much as payback.”

Alienated grandparents described the impact that the alienating parent’s brainwashing had had on the grandchildren, namely dulling down of their personality and a dearth of communication.

“They’re seriously brain-washed, it’s like they’re in a trance.”

Controlling Contact

Alienated grandparents commonly referred to the alienating parent dictating the extent of contact the grandchildren could have with both the TP and grandparents. Ten participants mentioned this, with some relating this to limiting visitation or changing their mind about whether contact could occur.

“So, it was not just the fact that she took the children away and we never heard from them, it was that there was all this promise of contact and then it not happening. We felt…as if we’re just puppets and she pulls the strings.”

Some grandparents discussed how the alienating parent monitored phone contact as a means of maintaining control and sabotaging the grandparent-grandchild relationship, including making threats if attempts of contact continued.

“I phoned [alienating parent] up to speak with my grandson and I was told to “eff off, otherwise you’ll end up in a wheelchair.””

Alienated grandparents spoke of how the court system was used as a tool for controlling contact with their grandchildren, such as visitation or communication through lawyers being written into the orders.

“After nine months of not seeing them, I texted the husband and I said, “I’d like to see them for my birthday.” The next thing I got was a letter from the lawyer saying I was never to contact him again.”

Other alienated grandparents spoke of the recruitment of alienating parent’s family members to infiltrate visitations.

“The other grandmother refusing to let the girls get out of her car to drop them off to me because my son wasn’t home yet, stating that she could only drop them off to him specifically.”

Emotional Manipulation

Three of the 12 alienated grandparents reported that the alienating parent emotionally manipulates the grandchildren to restrict contact with them. Some indicated that this includes the alienating parent suggesting they will withdraw their love and contact with the child if they pursue a relationship with their grandparents.

“If she was to dare to suggest that she wanted to see [targeted parent] or any of us, then she was doing so of her own free will and she would be punished: have her phone taken away from her, given the silent treatment, not talked to for days on end. And in the end, it got to the stage where it became impossible to maintain a relationship at all.”

Other alienated grandparents likened this to an ‘us versus them’ mentality adopted by the alienating parent and the difficulty that ensued from ‘playing both sides.’

“I honestly think, the more people that love my kids the better but with alienation it just seems to be, ‘you’re with me or you’re against me’ and the children are put in that position and they either have to go with that or deal with such torment to them, trying to sit with one leg on either side.”

Banning Information

Eight alienated grandparents described how the alienating parent triangulated third parties to ban medical, educational, extra-curricular and other information from being communicated to the grandparent. Alienated grandparents reported that occasionally they may learn about extra-curricular activities they could attend but their attendance was typically tainted by the presence and influence of the alienating parent and their family.

“We went to a couple of school things…it was supposed to be nice, but it wasn’t because the other family were sitting there watching for us to come in the door, glaring at us the whole time. Keeping the kids away from us while we were there.”

Other alienated grandparents indicated that they only received information through the targeted parent, but this was dependent on whether the targeted parent had access and/or contact.

“There’s nothing really – we’re completely in the dark.”

Denigration

Four of the 12 alienated grandparents reported being badmouthed by the alienating parent to the grandchildren.

“And that was really the final straw between [alienating parent] and I…she turned against me completely and started telling the children the most terrible stories about me.”

Interrogation

Some alienated grandparents reported that the grandchildren would be interrogated by the alienating parent or their family after contact or visitations, which would in turn be used to fabricate stories. Four of these participants referred to an interrogation, some reporting they had evidence of it.

“She had sat there, and we have the DVD of it. Her questioning the child on whether [targeted parent] hits him, whether I hit him.”

Alienated grandparents mentioned the impact that this was having on the grandchildren.

“Absolutely [would interrogate them]. And because in the end they were nervous wrecks, they were different children.”

Threatening Correspondence

One participant reported receiving threatening/denigrating correspondence, either through phone calls, letters, emails, or texts.

“He will threaten me on the phone if I speak to [grandchild].”

Secret-Keeping

Four of 12 participants spoke of the difficulty navigating contact with their grandchildren due to the alienating parent’s insistence that they maintain secrets.

“There’d been a long-running script with [alienating parent] telling the children and making no secret that she had told the children, that they were not to talk about family business to anybody but definitely not to [targeted parent] or me. So, it made any kind of conversation really difficult.”

The secrets reportedly included any aspect of their life involving the alienating parent, as well as their days at school or involvement in extra-curricular activities. Some alienated grandparents described the parallel lives their grandchildren had to live to cope with the behaviours of the alienating parent.

“By that time, they had changed so much – with what I now know to be the psychological splitting – whereby it is almost as if they have two different lives.”

Social Media Blackout

Two alienated grandparents referred to a contact blackout with their grandchildren through social media platforms.

“I had the bloody indecency to send her three love hearts and tell her I love her and then I got cut off. I got cut off Messenger, I couldn’t talk to her again”

Encouraging Disrespect

Two of the 12 alienated grandparents detailed how their grandchildren would back-chat or yell at them in a disrespectful way which was considered at odds with their previous demeanour.

“[Grandchild 1] slammed inside, grabbed [grandchild 2]’s stuff and abused her grandfather and they left. We were speechless and had never seen [grandchild 1] behave in such a disrespectful way.”

Rejecting Gifts/Cards

Seven alienated grandparents indicated that they had given gifts or cards to their grandchildren that they knew had been rejected.

“My anxiety levels would be so high for days and weeks before and after any major celebration, waiting for the present to be in my letterbox, and constantly agonising over should I keep sending them.”

Some alienated grandparents reported not knowing whether their gifts were received. These grandparents tended to either persist with sending gifts and cards for special occasions or ceased to do so.

“For some years, I did send birthday cards and Christmas cards and gifts. There was never any acknowledgement that they received them. After a number of years, I just thought, I didn’t know them anymore. I couldn’t actually give them gifts that were thoughtfully chosen because I didn’t know who I was buying for anymore.”

Other participants indicated that gifts their grandchildren accepted from them during visitation would be destroyed upon return to the alienating parent’s care.

“If they did take anything home from us, she would throw it out. So, they would leave everything that we had for them.”

Manipulation When Intact Family

Alienated grandparents frequently referred to the manipulative behaviours of the alienating parent, with four grandparents indicating that some of this manipulation occurred before family separation.

“One of [alienating parent’s] real strategies was to push people away and punish them and get a great deal of pleasure in trying to seduce them back.”

Some grandparents reported that the alienating parent would fabricate stories and use these falsehoods to isolate family members from each other.

“And that’s what I said, “you come to me and substantiate any of those stories before you” – and see I was being played as well. The wife would come around here and say, “oh your son needs to pull himself together” and all this sort of stuff.”

One alienated grandparent reported that the alienating parent would manipulate them into recruiting the support of external agencies through use of their professional credibility, which in time, served to contribute to the parental alienation and the fallout.

“It was all very much about how well [alienating parent] was doing and keeping appointments and that it was good that she had the support of family, you know, with my presence and knowing who I was and what my background was. So, I think I was also used and exploited in that journey as well, without realising it at the time.”

False Allegations

Six of the 12 alienated grandparents referenced the alienating parent making false allegations against them, including claims of assault.

“A week later my son got a solicitor’s letter saying I’d assaulted her [the alienating parent] and I had to write an affidavit of what happened.”

Some alienated grandparents noted the limited or nil evidence required to make allegations against them and the inevitability of damage caused to the grandparent-grandchild relationship due to the difficulty to disprove such an allegation in the context of parental alienation.

“Somebody just has to make a claim and then there’s nothing you can really do to un-make it. No defence is good enough.”

Discussion

The current study aimed to explore the parental alienating behaviours grandparents have been exposed to that has led to them being alienated from their grandchildren. To date, research on parental alienation has focused on the subjective experiences of targeted parents and adults who were alienated during childhood. Whilst grandparents have been acknowledged to be affected by the alienation process, the extent and the nature of this effect is yet to be explored in detail. The current study aims to address this gap.

Parental Alienating behaviours

The alienated grandparents reported the tactics used to sabotage the relationship they had with their grandchildren. Overall, the alienating tactics used by the alienating parent reported in the current study were consistent with previous accounts (e.g., Baker & Darnall, 2007; Gardner, 1998; 2002; Gardner et al., 2006; Poustie et al., 2018). That is, the parental alienating behaviours experienced by the grandparents in this study are consistent with the behaviours described by targeted parents in previous research. For grandparents, the parental alienating behaviours they experienced appeared to be an extension of the tactics used against targeted parents, including brainwashing, denigration and encouragement of disrespect (e.g., Baker, 2007; Baker & Darnall, 2006; Haines et al., 2020). Table 4 provides a summary of the parental alienating behaviours experienced by grandparents reported in this study, and the parental alienating behaviours targeted parents and adults alienating from a parent during childhood have described in previous research (Baker & Fine, 2014; Baker, 2007). Table 4 shows considerable similarity between the parental alienating behaviours grandparents, targeted parents and children are exposed to by the alienating parent.

Table 4.

Parental Alienating Behaviours (PABs) experienced by Grandparents, Targeted Parents and Adult Alienated Children.

PABs Experienced by Targeted Grandparents Reported in Current Study	PABs Experienced by Targeted Parents (Baker & Fine, 2014)	PABs Experienced by Alienated Children (Baker, 2007)
Brainwashing	Telling the children that the alienated child does not love them	Telling the child the targeted parent does not love them
Controlling contact	Limiting contact	Limiting contact
		Limiting contact with extended family
		Not letting the child be alone with the targeted parent
		Monitoring letters and phone contact with the targeted parent
Emotional manipulation	Withholding love and approval from children	Withdrawing love/getting angry
	Allowing/forcing the children to choose	Forcing the child to choose
		Making the child feel guilty about positive relationship with targeted parent
Banning information	Interfering with communication	Throwing out gifts and letters from the targeted parent
Banning information	Withholding medical, social, academic information from the targeted parent and keeping that parent’s contact off relevant forms	Throwing out gifts and letters from the targeted parent
Denigration	Badmouthing/denigrating	Badmouthing
Interrogation	—	Interrogating the child after visits with the targeted parent
Threatening correspondence	Interfering with communication	—
Secret-keeping	Confiding in the child	Having the child keep secrets from the targeted parent
		Having secret signals and means of communication with the child
		Confiding in the child about adult relationships
Social media blackout	Interfering with communication	—
Encouraging disrespect	Undermining authority of the targeted parent	Creating conflict between the child and targeted parent
Rejecting gifts/cards	Interfering with symbolic communication	Throwing out gifts and letters from the targeted parent
Rejecting gifts/cards	Interfering with symbolic communication	Not allowing the child to bring gifts home from the targeted parent
Manipulation when intact family	Domestic violence perpetrated by the alienating parent and alienation in the making before separation	—
False allegations	Creating the impression the targeted parent is dangerous	Creating the impression the targeted parent is dangerous
-	Asking the children to spy on the targeted parent	Having the child spy on the TP
-	—	Limiting mention or photos of the targeted parent
-	Changing the child’s name to remove all association with the targeted parent	Belittling the targeted parent in front of the child
-	-	Cultivating dependency on the AP

Previous literature suggests that triangulation occurs between the alienating parent, targeted parents and grandparent, in which the grandparent assumes the role of a bridge between the child and their parents (e.g., Haines et al., 2020). In the current study, it was found that more commonly the targeted parent was the bridge for grandparents’ contact with their grandchildren. Some literature has suggested that the middle generation (i.e., the parent) tend to assume the role of gatekeeper for maintaining a grandparent-grandchild relationship (e.g., Uhlenberg & Hammill, 1998). Indeed, that was found in the current study, that contact with their grandchildren could exist if the targeted parent succumbed to playing the alienating parent’s game and “playing dead,” as commented by a participant. If the targeted parent did not have contact with their child, however, the grandparent also did not. This was found previously, in which grandparents became aware that if they supported the targeted parent to give up on their battle for re-engaging with their children, this would jeopardise their own contact as well (Gardner et al., 2006, p. 27). This is often where the alienating parent’s use of control and triangulation has been effective in alienating both parent and grandparent from the child/ren’s lives.

Control and Cult Behaviour: The Success of Triangulation

Some of the alienated grandparents likened the alienating parent’s actions to cult behaviour and a form of family violence, which is a summation consistent with recent conceptualisations of parental alienation (e.g., Haines et al., 2020). The alienating parent’s crusade for control over the child/ren, and by extension, the targeted parent and alienated grandparent, has been well-documented in previous research (e.g., Clawar & Rivlin, 2013; Haines et al., 2020). This crusade is described in previous literature to be a type of family violence, through the alienating parent’s use of control to force the child to conform to their desire to hurt the targeted parent and their allies (Haines et al., 2020). This demand for loyalty forces the child/ren to choose between aligning with the alienating parent or maintaining a relationship with the targeted parent and their family (Haines et al., 2020). This notion is consistent with the experience of the alienated grandparents in the current study who reported the encouragement of an “us versus them” mentality, providing the foundations for siding with the AP. This triangulation can occur between the alienated parent, child, and grandparent, in which the only scenario of a grandparent-grandchild relationship existing is with the permission of the AP (Haines et al., 2020). Alienated grandparents tended to find it challenging to be satisfied with the contact they had with their grandchildren being ruled by alienating parent control. The grandparent-child communication was strained when there was so much that the grandchildren were instructed not to discuss or that their quality time was tainted by disrespect or denigration. Similarly, knowing that the alienating parent could terminate the relationship at any time meant that there was a lack of permanency and subsequent increased anxiety.

It has been suggested that the alienating parent is able to assert and maintain such control through a process of compartmentalisation (Clawar & Rivlin, 2013). This process of thinking works for the alienating because they deem conflicting behaviours performed by the targeted parent or grandparent as negative, but the same behaviour performed by themselves or the alienating parent’s allies as acceptable. Compartmentalised thinking is akin to psychological splitting (e.g., Bernet, Gregory, Reay & Rohner, 2018) and is referred to by alienated grandparents in the current study. Research suggests that this all-or-nothing thinking provides a rationale for the alienating parent’s control, whilst leaving no room for insight or change, thus reinforcing alienation of the targeted parent and grandparents (Clawar & Rivlin, 2013). Unfortunately, this rigid thinking, stringent control and enforcing of transient grandparent-grandchild relationships can have extensive negative effects on the alienated grandparents.

Practice Implications

The current study contributes to the body of parental alienation research by including the experiences of alienated grandparents. It has been posited that often extended family members, such as grandparents, fail to understand the nature of parental alienation (Gardner et al., 2006; Haines et al., 2020). Alienated grandparents in the current sample understood and experienced its pervasiveness, and other grandparents in similar situations would also benefit from gaining such knowledge to avoid buying into or contributing to the triangulation.

The current study provides meaningful information about the challenges alienated grandparents exposed to parental alienating behaviours endure. This information is relevant for mental health professionals to consider when working with individuals exposed to parental alienating behaviours. In previous literature, therapy programs typically focus on the alienated child (e.g., improve well-being, build critical thinking skills, and challenge distorted thinking); targeted parent (e.g., improve relationship with child); and alienating parent (e.g., prepare for targeted parent re-engagement) (Templer, Matthewson, Haines & Cox, 2017). A key aspect for such programs is the provision of psychoeducation around parental alienation and parental alienating behaviours. Such program may need to consider the involvement of other family members including grandparents. Arming alienated grandparents with coping strategies would also be an important role for psychologists and mental health professionals.

Legal professionals can assist those exposed to parental alienating behaviours by pushing for court-sanctioned therapy with consequences for non-compliance in order to ensure participation from all parties, including alienating parents (Templer et al., 2017). Worthwhile therapeutic work is conducted with active and willing participation by all, and so seeking external motivators for this, such as court sanctions, is best practice here (Templer et al., 2017). Legal avenues for grandparents tend to be scarce, but lawyers can work with alienated grandparents to assist them in exploring any legal avenues they have, particularly when grandparents may be included in court orders regarding custody. Overall, however, a combined effort between mental health and legal professionals is important and effective in resolving parental alienation and improving wellbeing of all involved, including alienated grandparents.

Study Limitations and Future Research

Despite the richness of the alienated grandparents’ accounts collected in the current study, there are limitations. Firstly, the data were solely self-reported experiences. Even though qualitative data allow for a comprehensive, individualised account of phenomena, veracity can be a concern with information collected in this way (Haeffel & Howard, 2010). Future research may consider different methods for extracting data not solely founded on self-report qualitative information, such as through more quantitative or longitudinal research. Also, interplay of researcher biases is important to consider, though this was mediated as much as possible through an inductive approach and having multiple researchers engaged in the thematic analysis of the data.

The generalisability of the findings is limited, due to the sample size and representation of the sample. That is, it is difficult to confidently state that the findings are representative of the alienated grandparent population when the sample is predominantly female, reside in Australia and stems from a limited age bracket. It was noted that the alienated grandparents in the current study tended to be well-educated on parental alienation. This may be due to recruitment occurring through the international parental alienation support organisation, thus likely skewing the typical sample of alienated grandparents. Future directions for research into alienated grandparents may benefit from a wider and larger sample, both in the context of demographic breadth and means of alienation. For example, the current study did not capture all types of alienated grandparents. Grandparents who were alienated from their grandchildren as well as their own child were excluded from the study, as were parents of the alienating parent. Future research would benefit from broadening the scope of “alienated grandparent” to include such participants.

Footnotes

Declaration of Conflicting Interests

The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.

Funding

The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.

ORCID iD

Mandy Matthewson

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