The Personal Experiences of Pastoral Leaders During the COVID-19 Quarantine

COVID-19 Increased Spiritual Growth

One of the surprising positive results of COVID-19 revealed an increase in spiritual growth reported by a majority of participants (27 of 33, 82%) revealing identifiable gains for the leaders. For example, Toby spoke up about intentionality and the perspective change he gained in pursuit of spiritual growth. He shared:

I’ve been trying to view this whole Coronavirus thing from the perspective of a Sabbath. We have all been assigned a very unique kind of Sabbath and those who are willing to embrace it, I think, are those who can come out of it having grown and those who fight it are those who are going to miss out on something incredible.

Identified below are several aspects encapsulating such spiritual growth:

Increase in Awareness

One of the effects of the shift vocationally from in-person to online pastoring, and personally, from in-person relational connectivity to a more internalized, individualized, and isolated lifestyle appears to be a heightened sense of God's presence and activity. Matthew affirms this finding when he realized that:

I have a sensitivity to the Holy Spirit right now that I’ve been longing for, and in the past, before COVID-19, I was just so busy that by that time I started feeling more centered, I ran out of time or I was distracted… But I found a place and a way to get to a place of centeredness in God.

Brooke evaluated that “this season has also brought about a different sense of just feeling the Lord's presence in our home, even with our children”. The presence of God increased for Nate, too. He said that “I feel like he is this constant voice saying like, hey, I’m like, right here. And we could probably be doing this together a little bit better than we are.” A sense of heightened awareness of God is helpfully captured in a metaphor of the mundane by which Mark compares it to getting the mail or walking the beach:

My presence with God before the pandemic was like walking to the mailbox. Short and brief, but meaningful. During the pandemic, they were like long walks down the beach, just longer periods of time because they didn't have to do some of the busy things that I had to do before and being able to spend more time with him. So, I think that the times of the presence were deeper and richer in some way during the pandemic than before the pandemic.

Increase in Reliance

This awareness appears to be influenced in part due to the leaders articulated need for greater personal dependence upon God during COVID-19. Noah offered:

I would say that there may be a level of (pause) greater reliance, let's say. So, it's not that there wasn't reliance before, but it's showing how one simple virus can take down the whole world… There is deeper reliance, which is like everything can be taken away in a moment.

Another pastor talked about her need for a consistent dependence upon the Lord for life and ministry with an abiding trust that shifted to a different level during COVID-19. Joy said, “His presence was made new to me and trusting him that he was going to work despite that our whole summer was kind of blown up. And so that brought a new depth of trusting him.” Lisa also reflected upon an increase in reliance upon God through all the change occurring having been shaken up by the loss of ways she would normally engage her work and spiritual life:

In the midst of all the change, it's very easy for me in routine of the known to just think, I’ve been doing this for a long time, I can do this. And all of a sudden, in the midst of all this change, none of us have ever done this before…that experience [of] God's peace and comfort in a way that I didn't experience before COVID-19…So God's presence, as I guess is it's been more experienced than assumed.

Increase in Time (Work-Life Rhythms)

Two-thirds of the participants mentioned their work-life rhythms were affected by the COVID-19 stay at home orders. Pastors adapting to working from home while schooling children on zoom, sharing computers, etc., were challenged in their work-life rhythms affecting their spiritual lives that called for adjustments. As Justin acknowledged, “Actually seeking the Lord more than I would if everything is working and going… A lot more time to reflect and pray”. Brooke also pointed to a gain in available time exclaiming “I just instantly gained three hours in my day. That in itself has been huge… literally three hours extra every day to just be able to dig deeper into those disciplines.” Nathaniel talked about the unhealthy thresholds of busyness before the COVID-19 shut down where they were keeping a fast-paced life with 2 kids and both parents working, “it gave us an imagination for a more integrated work and home life rather than having work always be outside, we did find some rhythms where like… we could do this”. Noah agreed when he offered:

There's a lot more time to be honest, to be with God now. And so as in I don't have to get up, let's say 40 min earlier to get to work, take a shower…I’ll have that 40 min now that normally I’m taking a shower to get to work on time. Well, I can be with God, I have more time to be with God before I start my day because my office is three steps out my master bedroom.

Christina further reflected “[quarantine] in some ways…[has been] a refreshing time. Because there's not the external demands to be everywhere and be with people all the time.” And then Jake gives a helpful summary of the value of time:

I guess enjoying that presence, being in his presence, resting in him, that I think it has changed. I think with the calendar cleared and evenings empty with schedule, it is easier right now for me anyway personally to just rest in Him and enjoy that time without feeling that pressure of what's next.

In a similar way, spiritual growth can result from the increase in time to practice spiritual disciplines revealed in the following section.

Increase in Time (Spiritual Practices)

With more time available not spent commuting to work or driving to appointments, many pastors leveraged the newfound time into increased spiritual practices. Leaders mentioned creating new rhythms of prayer morning and evening, praying over their spouse and children. They spent more time in solitude, and scripture reading as some of the ways they attempted to connect with God during the pandemic. For instance, Lisa mentioned reading more prayer books, “a few prayer books that have been timely reads…I’ve been reading through those, I’ve also been reading through a diary, part of a prayer, which is like a month. Morning and evening prayers that you repeat every month.” Justin decided to read more scripture in greater quantities just to read it rather than in study or preparation for a ministry responsibility. He said:

It's just been so rich where I’ll be like, you know what? The last time I just read First Corinthians. I don't know. Let's read it. I’ll just read it with no--And that's the other part, too. There's no--right now, just like that, well, I’ve got a study for this thing. I need to prep for that thing. I need it just like wring every ounce of inspiration out of this time to like stretch it as far as I can, sort of a thing. It's like I’m just reading it just because I haven't read it and I want to read it.

Noah turned to listening to worship music, “create a rhythm at night when I go to bed, I listen to some scriptures being on a video … I just read over [my wife] and I. And then to play worship music all night.” While Brian notes that this is a season he is “really working on…my prayer life and really investing in that.”

This was also a season to attempt new practices that may not have been as natural, or that proved difficult in other seasons of life. This is reflected as Toby noted that due to a daily Vlog he instituted to meet the needs of the congregation, “reading my Bible and getting insight from that has actually gone up because I’m preparing every day for this little vlog thing”. Or, where Bill used the extra time to try a practice of praying a Psalm that formerly was not a fit for him. He remarks:

Personalize all pronouns and make a prayer and … I’m kind of more academic, empirical, bent in my brain, but it has been a beautiful thing. And so I think my prayer life has grown because I decided to do that.

COVID-19 Increased Personal Awareness

Another intriguing positive theme involves the way the COVID-19 experience appears to remove obstacles and distractions, forcing leaders to acknowledge personal realities they may have either ignored or not identified before. Phrases like “I am learning”, “I have realized”, “I am noticing”, and “as I thought I was” frame the findings of this theme. For most of the leaders this has been a truth-revealing season, leading to questions like Jamie posed when she recognized that “You’re left with the questions of, like, Where is my identity? What do I do?”. These truths may include positive or negative self-perceptions but 90% of the participants seem to have experienced new clarity about their sense of identity and their daily activities.

Perception of Identity

Many of the leaders reflected on ways their sense of identity felt challenged. Nathaniel acknowledged “I may have thought of myself as being immune from the church gathering being an appendage of my identity” and went on to connect this with personal questions arising from not being able to feel people's reactions to his preaching when it was transferred from in person to zoom, “I’m doing good work because I’m in a room with somebody, with people and I’m getting kind of immediate feedback, so when you take that away, you go, well shoot. Am I doing good work?”. Colton reflected on how enmeshed his sense of identity had become with his pastoral role, “You know, so much identity was wrapped in what I did, Sunday through Saturday whatever, and then … a lot of that stopped and then I just kind of like, oh man… All in my identity is not in what I was doing.” Jamie found COVID-19 to enhance things she was already learning:

I’ve been learning a lot about my identity and my control and where and how I form my own identity and how I try and control that identity through my actions and what specific actions I do in order to form that.

Even without using the word “identity”, issues connected to identity were alluded to. Brooke noticed that her sense of self was more tied to a sense of productiveness than she might have initially thought, “focusing a little bit too much on achievement and accomplishment and not pressing in really…I noticed not even being able to check off a bunch of my normal routine was throwing me off.” Daniel was able to identify ways that the pull of the people side of pastoring might be causing him to neglect other aspects of pastoring:

I have relied on being with people more than maybe I should have been, I feel like… [for instance] how much time I spend trying to be with people and less on trying to develop and write and craft a sermon.

In contrast Matthew identified ways that the institutional aspect of the role might be pulling on his sense of self:

One thing I’ve learned is how stressed out I get about the performance side of putting on a service, preaching a good sermon…but still even compare, how are we doing [compared] to the church next to us? When I’m honest with myself those are things I think about. It can drain my energy.

Another way issues with identity appeared to be alluded to involved participants’ discussion of sources of personal comfort. Kris identified that with the loss of outdoor activities, he turned to family as his source of comfort. He then, found that being in such close proximity family annoyed him, forcing him to reflect on where he was attempting to anchor his comfort in his life, “I think the thing COVID-19 has really caused me to do is take some stock. What do I worship? Not that I don't worship Jesus, but what am I also worshipping?”. Nichole also reflected on how she uses comfort as a stabilizer: “I am learning that my personality idolizes comfort and predictability. And I’ll do everything that it takes to fight for that…COVID-19 has just really highlighted that for me.” Nate offers a metaphor that frames this finding:

I’m probably not as solid as I thought I was. I think in some ways, yes, I am the tree by the stream. And then a lot of ways I’m realizing I’m not planted as close to the water as I was. And I say this all as I look at the tree planted right by our lake and I stare at that thing every day and go, “I wish I was that tree.”

Perception of Activity

Participants reflected not only on their sense of self, but on the activity they naturally engage in. Jerry identified a recognition that he has not always been intentional in building relationships, “as some of the more natural relationship building points in my schedule and life have fallen away, it's maybe made clear to me that I should be doing better in terms of more intentional relational building”. Scott has come to understand his tendency toward annoyance with others when things become challenging, “I’m learning that I can be impatient. Things get difficult and that squeezes out with conversations with different people, or it wants to squeeze out”. He notes that what is underlying this is, “probably if I peel the onion back, I want to be liked.” On the other hand, Gayle is learning how working in team connects to her personal flourishing:

“[one thing that] has been really difficult is how much I like working on a team and how much I thrive in a collaborative environment… I realized how much of my support system is my staff team… Which I knew, but it caught me off guard”.

Nichole identified how she had relied on her work structures for her spiritual health, until they no longer functioned:

I’m realizing I was so calculated, I made such a great formula of how His presence would be manifested in the work that I was doing, which is not always a bad thing. But when COVID-19 hit, something just broke.

Traci found a need to give more grace, “learning how to give extra grace and giving that to others, assuming that people have good intentions or people are just hurting and broken and just giving grace to others.”

In contrast to these identified actions, a number of leaders also articulated a new value for stillness, for the capacity to do less more often as part of a healthy lifestyle, and to be still while doing. Jake would call this a recognition of the need to “guard your own rest”, and Christina mused “as a mom and a wife and an employee, for all these years that my kids have been growing up. There's no break to that until they’re gone… I need time to think and process.” Perhaps Glenn encapsulates this through his overarching reflection:

I found myself really experiencing what Dallas Willard said…that Jesus was the busiest person or one of the busiest people that ever lived, but he was never in a hurry. And all of a sudden [due to COVID-19] I went from a person who was in a hurry to a person who was more busy than before the quarantine, but felt I wasn't in a hurry anymore.

The Potential Goodness of a new Normal and Concern Around Losing

One final category that surfaced involves the concern of losing the new growths – both personal and spiritual - to a return of business as usual. 15 of the leaders noted concern that the demand of church moving forward might, over time, choke out these positive gains made through self-reflection. For each of the leaders the gains were directly tied to a sense of their world slowing down. This was referenced through a variety of phrases including what Jeremy expressed about “a slower and definitely more balanced pace”, or as Joy phrased that “life slowed down”, allowing for “a lot of just unstructured time” as stated by Matthew, with Brooke adding “not feeling rushed”, and Nathaniel's sense of “unhurried time”. This sense of space in the leader's schedule proved to yield some significant personal gains. Most notably this involves time with family. Joy gives voice to a sentiment that is echoed in similar ways by Justin, Brian, Nathaniel, Jerry, Matthew, Colton, Gayle, and Lisa as well when she shares, “My family had me for the first summer. In my kids’ lives, my kids, my oldest child is 13. All she has known is mommy works a lot in the summer. So, I hope that doesn't go away. I loved that.” New time spent making and sitting over meals, weight loss, workouts, walks through the neighborhood, and financial habits are also incorporated in this theme. Each of these gains comes with a certain hesitancy as to what comes when churches return to full gatherings. This is illustrated by Glenn, “there's a direct relationship to pace and space in between appointments and that kind of thing…it's becoming a little bit harder to maintain because I think now we’re adjusting to the temporary normal”, and Brian expressed “concern would be that things are just going to ratchet back up and we would get to the ceiling all over again”.

COVID-19 Takes a Toll on Relationships

The first question the pastors were asked involved what they were personally missing most during the quarantine. Twenty-seven of thirty- three participants (82%) voiced missing people and making more intimate connections with them in person. They missed the relationality of corporate worship and their Sunday morning gatherings. They missed having time with those they would typically interact with in their pastoral role throughout the week. They missed their extended families and friends and meeting with them and sharing meals. They simply missed people.

Sunday Mornings

Slightly more than 50% of pastors interviewed explicitly identified missing meeting in person together on Sunday mornings with the congregation. Daniel expressed: I missed Sunday morning worship. I mean, honestly, I don't really miss doing anything particular, I just miss being with people … I just miss being with the church.” Similarly, other leaders identified the connections made with the congregants that normally happen as a result of being at church on a weekly basis. “I miss just the interactions with humans that I have never really thought about, like the small conversations you have with people, the connection you have simply by seeing someone every week at a church gathering” Joy recalled. Colton expressed: “Sunday services were always a big thing. You know, we like to see a lot of people.”. “I miss gathering together as a church. That's something we haven't been able to have during the season” said Jerry.

Pastoral Role

When discussing missing people, it was not only the Sunday service, but also aspects of the pastoral role throughout the week that left the leader feeling relationally needy. Bill identified the role that kids have played in his life as a Children's Pastor “I need kids. I didn't know how much I would miss their faces and their hugs around my knees. But I totally miss them.” Nichole mourned the lack of opportunity to process the difficult life circumstances inevitably taking place during COVID-19 shut down:

The personal connection… especially as pastors and as leaders who are in the relational industry and the thing that I miss the most is being able to be in person with women that are going through such heartache and so much pain and so much transition.

Colton identified missing the midweek gatherings, “The thing that I miss the most is I think the meeting in person, meeting our small groups, our leaders for meetings.” Grant identified the loss of not being able to be out in community while studying: “I miss being around people in all sorts of different capacities… I don't prefer to study in a library. I’d rather go to a coffee shop and have people around”. Similarly, Noah summarized the relational loss he felt in not being physically present with their pastoral teams:

[I miss] the rhythm of going to my office every day with my team … the rhythm of going to the office, the interaction, we have a very fun, playful team… Although I’m an extreme introvert, I still love being around people.

Extended Family and Friends

The loss of easy connection with friends and family was articulated by some of the leaders as well. Examples of this include Traci reflecting on her loss of not gathering together in homes, “[I miss] I think family, friends in our home, in other's homes. I think that's a big one of the first things that comes to mind is just that togetherness with people without masks and actually inside”. Jake reflected on the relational loss for his family that “[I miss] just as a family, you know, my kids, I have three children that are young and they definitely miss out on being with their friends and being with their cousins”; and Ethan identifying community relationships that immediately went on pause:

[I miss], I have a weekly hour, twice a week basketball game that I play with some guys. And that game has been going for over 40 years, just a pickup game at a Boys and Girls Club. And I’ve been playing at that game for 18 years, twice a week.

COVID-19 Takes a Toll on the Individual

COVID-19 and the ensuing quarantine unsurprisingly proved costly, taking a toll on individual pastors in a variety of personal ways. This section considers the responses from 22 participants (67%) who found COVID-19 created or enhanced a sense of loss for individuals beyond the relational aspect of missing community. Specifically, this theme includes experiencing a toll on emotions, rhythms, and family.

Negative Affect

Quarantine included negative emotional experiences for a subset of leaders. A loss of innocence, exhaustion from always being on, anxiety and anger were all mentioned as emotions experienced for 12 of the participants. Lisa summarizes, “we think we’re in control and actually [that] can all change on a dime”. This sense of a loss of naivety, a loss of freedom they were otherwise unaware of, and the fatigue surrounding that was reported by leaders who felt they suddenly had to be constantly aware of themselves, their surroundings, and others such that it got in the way of just being and enjoying. Justin noted a conversation with his wife in which they were “talking about this the other night and it was like, you know, it was more of a facade of freedom … I miss the idea of being able to have freedom, I guess.” Scott gives further voice to this:

I miss the ability to interact with friends up close and personal and not have to think about… Are we breaking rules or are we not breaking rules? I miss being able to walk up to friends and even people as they walk in church and shake their hands or greet them, and not have to do an elbow bump or toe bump, [watch where, sic] we stand, you know. And I miss some of that freedom just to, in a sense, be more who I am…I miss some of the freedom to just be expressive and friendly…

Jamie identified the toll that constant awareness takes, “I miss that lack of awareness a lot…even though we’re trying not to live in fear, there is an aspect of fear in the act to go into every situation that is exhausting.” The fatigue factor from hyper vigilance takes its toll on the mind, body, and emotions of leaders.

Along with the loss of naivety and freedom, anxiety was referenced to have significantly increased. Shawn, reflecting on leading his multi-cultural community through both COVID-19 and racial injustice, identified how cultural anxiety became personalized:

Indirectly a lot more anxiety since this began … And anxiety is not my go-to emotional state so I don't have an anxiety diagnosis or anything. But there's a way as a caregiver, as a pastor, that I absorb a fair bit of the anxieties that I see that has increased, not decreased throughout the past three and a half months.

Lisa discussed how COVID-19 not only increased anxiety but also robbed her of the natural ways she might work through it:

I do think that at the beginning, the sense of anxiety was … I think the word is palpable? I could feel it. It was bodily and I needed comfort and most of my avenues for comfort before COVID-19 were mainly well, I’m an extrovert, so people and then distraction and those all got shut down.

For other leaders it frustration and anger increased. Anger was expressed around loss of life when Daniel reflected upon funerals he had to perform, at the loss of meaningful moments when Lauren reflected on not being able to have the wedding she had planned, and at the loss of learning Bill felt was happening with their children's ministry, “I feel like this has just been dead space for their spiritual formation. And it's angering”.

Loss of Rhythms

While most of the leaders discussed loss of rhythm professionally, 7 of them also specifically lamented the disorientation experienced with the loss of personal rhythm. The time to clear the head and heart, “to mentally, emotionally, spiritually prepare…decompress” during a 30-min commute to and from work was identified by Nate. Matthew acknowledged the loss of rhythmic time in the gym as a loss of “rest and refreshment”. Similarly, Noah discussed his introverted nature and the loss of having a built-in rhythm with his team to force connectivity.

Cost to Family

For some of the leaders COVID-19 fostered a positive experience for their families, but four of the participants referenced a deep sense of loss with family. Kris discussed the sadness of his 3^rd grade daughter missing out on a spring retreat, school play, and summer camp that were all canceled, “so it's seeing all the disappointments and how that's actually taking a toll, I think, on my kids emotional and mental health. Seeing that firsthand as a parent. That's been tough.” Shawn also reflected on the heavy heart he carries for his kids, “their losses of school and all kinds of other important moments, rites of passage, first experiences, etc. and their lives are actually when it hits me with the most personally and the most sense of profound personal loss.” On the other spectrum, Brian found himself concerned that his kids having daddy home all the time might make it difficult for them to enjoy church when COVID-19 is over, “So, you know, I worry about my kids going back to church and then feeling like home church [with daddy] was really, really good.”

Spiritual Growth

That 2020 was a time fraught with loss and forcing reflection for these leaders was certainly not a novel finding. We do not think it is a reach to suggest that missing community, having to find new work rhythms, and watching COVID-19 take a toll on the family were universal experiences for the average American during the quarantine. It was, however, surprising to find that for most of the leaders, the COVID-19 quarantine served as an incubator for positive personal and spiritual growth and refinement. Thirty-two of the 33 leaders (97%) articulated some sense of increased spiritual growth and/or had some area of their life illuminated to an extent that led to new personal choices. This came as somewhat of a surprise probably due to the influx of news and journal articles cataloging the negative personal ramifications of COVID-19.

However, while unexpected in the moment, perhaps these positive findings should have been looked for - it is not a new concept that the orchard of crisis often yields fruitful growth. The history of the Christian church bears witness to this repeatedly, from 1^st century persecution to the present age. So, too, the science bears out this truth. In discussing human flourishing and suffering, Hall et al. (2010) note “…both positive psychology and theology recognize the constructive potential of adversity in providing a context for the cultivation of enduring, virtuous traits of character” (p. 116). It seems fair to use the term “adversity” as a descriptor for the COVID-19 quarantine. The foundation of Mezirow's Transformative Learning Theory anchors around the need for a disorienting event to occur, forcing critical reflection of previously held assumptions (Cranton, 2016). Certainly, COVID-19 quarantine is considered ‘disorienting’. Tedeschi (2020) suggests that studies of posttraumatic growth over the past 25 years has helped psychologists recognize the potentially positive learning elements of a crisis when he states: “We’ve learned that negative experiences can spur positive change, including a recognition of personal strength, the exploration of new possibilities, improved relationships, a greater appreciation for life, and spiritual growth (p. 128). Similarly, summarizing a recent study on the role weakness plays in the formation of mature Christians, Burns (2020) notes that:

Through crises, patterns of self-reliance fail and are exposed, awakening believers to the limits and fallenness of human life in such a way that they gain a greater appreciation for the role weakness plays in catalyzing dependence on God in everyday life leading to deeper spiritual maturity (p. 262).

The findings of this study are consistent with previously mentioned conceptualizations of adversity and growth. It is clear from this study that in the midst of experiencing difficult loss, the Pastoral leader was also growing personally and spiritually, for which they attribute in part simply the availability of time to reflect, meditate, and be present with God. This growth suggests a need for the freedom to continue to carve out regular daily, weekly, monthly, and annual rhythms of silence and solitude to pursue Christ. A regimen of possible activities including spiritual disciplines, retreats, solitude, sabbaticals, testing/training, reading and prayer practices should be considered. Such practices may allow the leader the fostered space to engage God, family, and self in the new ways that COVID-19 appears to have fostered.

However, a potentially significant obstacle to such formation warrants consideration. Nearly every leader experienced spiritual and/or personal growth, or experienced newfound connectivity at home during this time, yet a variety of voices have decried this season as problematic and pushed for church to rapidly return to “normal”. For some this was a conversation about political freedoms (Rocca, Nov. 20, 2020) and for others involved financial pressures or the felt theological needs of congregants (Kaur, May 24, 2020). However, the potential good this “normal” may be restricting through structure and pace demands consideration as half of these leaders are concerned that the growth of the past year may be swallowed up by the strain of returning to in person gathering. This suggests an overly weighty burden our institutions and congregants within those institutions are placing upon the shoulders of their leadership.

Further study involving leaders and crisis appears warranted. This would include studies involving to what extent leaders are prepared to weather the spiritual and emotional demands of unlooked for crisis, how leading in team enhances or detracts from the leader's personal experience of crisis, and to what extent a regimen of spiritual practices pre-crisis might affect the leader's perception of self during crisis, and how the epiphanies of the present crises affect the behavior of leaders tomorrow? So too should the perceived demand of the church on its clergy receive further attention, such as to what degree is the personal and spiritual growth of the leader affecting or affected by institutional demands to move forward beyond solutions discovered during COVID-19.