Abstract
Parenting: The Complex and Beautiful Vocation of Raising Children is written by Holly Taylor Coolman, an assistant professor at Providence College (RI) with expertise in Christology, Christian theologies of Judaism, and family, especially adoption. In this book, she describes the challenging world of parenting and how a community can come alongside families as parents raise their children. Coolman presents a way of family and community that is vulnerable and radically dependent on others, holding a fine balance between theology and practicality, envisioning an ideal within the reality of a broken world.
The book explores the stages of childhood and adolescence with the issues that are often raised in those periods of life. Throughout, the author presents her thesis of parenting as a vocation, which is best done through authentic community. “Parenting is hard, but in this parenting model, we see profoundly rich possibility: the chance to share with another person what we know of how to live, to cheer their triumphs and salve their sorrows, to give and receive love, to experience together the big and small moments that make up life. This is a vocation worth giving ourselves to” (p. 136).
Within the chapters, Coolman addresses the challenges, joys, and temptations of parenting a child. The early chapters focus on early childhood and the vocation of parenting. The middle chapters discuss childhood and the various questions that arise for parents during these growing years including discipline, technology, and the busyness of life. The last third of the book moves into adolescence and beyond including a discussion on parenting adult children. The author also includes chapters on fostering community (chapter 3), how parenting is the apprenticeship of both the child (chapter 5) and the adult (chapter 10), single parents (chapter 14) and how children learn (chapter 15).
While each chapter provides rich discussion, there are two specific chapters to highlight since the main concepts discussed in these chapters provide a foundation for further discussions throughout the book.
Chapter 3, “Fostering Community, Within and Around,” addresses the importance of building not just a family but a community around the family. The author discusses this need both biblically and culturally, and how imagining the family as a physical embodiment of the church creates a deeper meaning in both family life as well as for the Christian community. The author provides practical examples of how both the nuclear family as well as the extended family of the church can be attuned to one another and engage with one another in love. This chapter is more than the typical necessity of community often discussed in Christian circles. It pushes the conversation into a more vulnerable and essential community that not only is present to the family, but also is invested and essential in the raising of children within a larger family of faith.
In “Mapmaking and Apprenticeship” (chapter 5), the author provides her description of what parenting through two models. The first model—mapmaking—is a “multilayered and profound kind of instruction….” (p. 34) where parents identify the world around the child and how to navigate it. For a Christian parent, it also provides a crucial identification of “which true north is a God who is good, a God who is love” (p. 35). The second model—apprenticeship—is the primary vocation of parenting and is continually discussed throughout the book. “The model of apprenticeship is more about parents simply being with their children, doing life together…. It involves more present, more patience, more playfulness, and more calm. The calling of a mother or a father to walk with their children, sharing work, sharing play, sharing themselves, is a richer reality” (p. 37). Here the parent and child engage with one another, living life together where the parent shares his own learning experience with the child. This apprenticeship is not just left to the parents. Parents are encouraged to seek out a faith community that contributes to the child’s apprenticeship as well.
In a world where we are inundated with parenting books that provide tips, tricks, and guidance on how to raise children, the question must be asked if we need another parenting book. The answer is yes if it is written by Coolman. This book does not contain the traditional behavioral approach to parenting. Coolman pushes past the typical genre of parenting advice and provides a thoughtful, realistic, and biblical approach on raising children and elevates the calling of parents, focusing on the ultimate of goal of leading “a child towards maturity as a person” (p. 56).
Coolman also does not approach parenting through an authoritarian model where compliance is the objective and children have strict rules and expectations. Throughout this book, the analogy of mapmaking or apprenticeship is the guiding principle for parenting. This life-on-life approach to parenting gets to what she calls the “heart of parenting: to live life immersed in joy, purpose, compassion and faith—and to share that life with children” (p. 40). By embracing this apprenticeship model, Coolman offers us a high value of the child. “The child is not a product but a beloved person” (p. 37). Here, the child is not shaped into who the adult wants them to be but given an imprint, the imprint of the parent, which is more profound than any parenting trick or behavioral method. It is at the very core of Christian discipleship and a child’s faith formation. The child is not just learning about God, but seeing (or apprenticing under) a Christ-follower living their Christian life out in their daily actions.
One of the strengths of this book is the tone and how the author writes. The gracious and realistic understanding of families today does not condemn but offers hope, weaving together both biblical understanding and the practical life of families today. She also provides a unique perspective of an adopted parent which is a hidden gem of this book. While many books on parenting present the ideal of family, Coolman discusses how parenting is impacted within adoptive families and other non-traditional families. As she mentions: “the families of the Bible are not always constituted in simple and straightforward ways” (p. 11) and each has its “unique way of testifying to and embodying God’s love and graciousness” (p. 13).
The emphasis on community and the vocation of map-making and apprenticeship are also strong ideas within this book. It offers a fresh way of looking at parenting, setting the task within the larger goal of raising children to love God and others. Here, parents are not just tasked with behavioral management but provided a larger vision on how a child is shaped and nurtured towards God and others.
While I generally believe this is a helpful book, there is one area that might have been developed deeper. As already mentioned, Coolman’s understanding of mapmaking and apprenticeship is key to her parenting model. This concept of apprenticeship is important and could have been richer if the author had some engagement with Westerhoff’s enculturation model that discusses incorporation, enculturation, and apprenticeship. The author address how children learn in community, but then goes on to acknowledge how this may be done through programs or various forms of religious education. Throughout the book, she sprinkles additional ideas for how the community can come alongside families, but this concept would have benefited from a more thorough and developed understanding of enculturation. Deepening the discussion on the faith family and their role in a child’s faith formation would have been helpful.
The primary audience of this book is for parents who, as they read this book, would feel both equipped and encouraged as if they are sitting with Coolman chatting over a cup of coffee discussing the challenges they face in raising children. Pastors and ministry leaders would also benefit from reading this book to understand how they can come alongside families of all shapes and sizes. It provides a vision for how a faith community can support and encourage families becoming communities that are both vulnerable and authentic. I also would recommend this book for professors who teach on family or family ministry in the church. This book would be a helpful addition to their curricula, opening the way to discuss ministry with families in the local church.