Making trans parents visible: Intersectionality of trans and parenting identities

Introduction

Many trans people are parents, although as Ryan and Martin (2000: 210) state, “even those people who have become completely comfortable with the idea that gays and lesbians can parent as well as heterosexuals can find the notion of a parent who has crossed gender lines deeply distressing.” A recent US national survey of trans and gender non-conforming participants (Grant et al., 2011) found that 38% of respondents were parents, and 82% who transitioned after the age of 55 were parents. Trans participants in that survey were most likely to have children before transition, especially male to female (MTF) parents. It has also become more common for people to transition “in place”—that is, with the goal of retaining their careers, families, and network of friends. As a result, “gender transition is often reflexively negotiated alongside commitments to family and work” (Hines, 2006: 362). The trans person’s spouse and children often adjust around that transition, or are said to be “transitioning with” the trans person as the family roles are re-sorted.

According to the national survey, 70% reported that their children continued to speak to them and spend time with them after coming out. However, 13% of the respondents reported that courts limited or stopped relationships with children due to their transgender identity or gender non-conformity, with trans people of color experiencing higher rates of court intervention. As Lev (2004: 314) notes, “transgendered people are as invested and committed to their loved ones as are any other persons, but fear that knowledge of their authentic selves will alienate and destroy their familial bonds. Sadly, without social and systemic support, it often will.” That is, “transgendered people have too often been viewed as people without families, or, sadly, as though their families are disposable” (Lev, 2004: 271). Indeed, trans parents contend with transphobia as expressed in the amalgam of restrictive national as well as local laws concerning changes in legal gender identity, marriage, and parenting.

Although the literature on gay and lesbian parents is growing, the body of work on trans parents is virtually non-existent. As a result, investigations are often limited in their ability to differentiate between the parenting experiences of trans individuals and their LGB counterparts, even though the available literature has advised that the trans experience is distinct from LGB experience (Biblarz and Savci, 2010).

The ways trans parents reconcile their parenting and trans identity may be best conceptualized within an intersectional framework. Intersectionality theories explore how multiple axes of identity or social location interact to influence peoples’ experiences, perceptions, and enactments of self in different contexts (Shields, 2008). The parenting role is, in many contexts, a social location of power and privilege. In contrast, a trans gender identity is typically an axis of oppression (Griffin, 2007). Although there is some work analyzing multiple axes of oppression for transgender individuals (e.g. Burnes and Chen, 2012), there is little work exploring how parenting identity, a potentially normalizing social location, intersects with other identity axes of trans people. It is important to reveal the challenges that may occur for trans parents as they navigate integrating their trans identities with their identities as parents.

We expect that although the parenting role is culturally normalizing, trans parents face unique challenges as their trans identity is often treated as their dominant, though culturally disadvantaged, identity. Therefore, trans parents may feel the need to carefully manage their visibility in parenting communities. This analysis of challenges suggests ways to alleviate stressors experienced as trans parents negotiate transition and identity in conjunction with parenting.

Method

This US national study used trans parent data drawn from a lesbian, gay, bisexual, and trans (LGBT) parenting survey of 342 LGBT parents (Konik et al., 2010) on the secure website: http://www.lgbtparents.org. Parents were recruited through emails, contacts to LGBT parenting groups, and networking with LGBT acquaintances. Based on evidence that trans parents may not regularly attend or feel welcome in LGBT parenting groups, we made a special attempt to recruit trans parents. Helen Boyd (2007) posted information about the project on her trans/gender blog and also contacted some trans parents to spread the word about the study. Also, given the challenge of making the survey welcoming to trans parents, and underrepresentation of trans parents in the parenting literature (e.g. Clarke et al., 2010), we asked a trans parent to pilot the survey, and she provided feedback that we used to revise the survey.

This report focuses on 50 trans families, as described by 46 trans parents and 4 partners of trans parents. The trans parents were 26–61 years old (M = 42.4), predominantly White (80.0%), came from 18 different US states, and were diverse in socioeconomic status with 38% rating their families as low or low-middle income. The trans parents had 1–6 children (mode = 2). Of the 106 children, 68.9% were birth children, 15.1% were stepchildren, 9.4% were conceived with the help of sperm donors, and 6.6% were adopted.

Based on open-ended questions, including one about how participants “identify in terms of gender,” 30 (60.0%) of the 50 trans parents can be classified as MTF trans, 16 (32.0%) as female to male (FTM) trans, and 4 (TRNS) (8.0%) did not specify any gender labels but identified as transgender or transsexual. Most trans parents (70%) had female partners, and 34% of the trans participants were married to their partner. MTF parents were more likely than FTM parents to be married. Of those MTF parents who were married, 47.1% were in marriages to heterosexual females. Three MTF parents were married to other MTF persons sometimes clarifying how they managed to marry, “because she was post-op and I was pre-op, we were technically male and female, so the marriage was legal.”

Survey and analysis

The survey had five main sections, including one on parenting challenges. Each section consisted of open-ended questions and quantitative, rating scale questions with comment boxes. Our focus here is on the qualitative responses. Participants were asked to describe, in their own words, their “family story,” personal transitions (e.g. transitions in gender expression and/or sexual orientation), significant family changes (e.g. divorce and partnerships), parenting challenges (e.g. losing contact with children or family of origin and bullying), and discrimination/legal issues (e.g. insurance and child custody).

Thematic analysis, as described by Braun and Clarke (2006), was used to code the qualitative data. We used an inductive, realist theoretical framework in which our participants’ experiences and interpretations are reported. However, we acknowledge how societal discourse and expectations affect how trans parents interpret their experiences, and in that sense, our theoretical framework is also what Braun and Clarke call contextualist. Most trans parents (96%) made extensive comments about their roles as parents on some part of the survey. All three authors began the analysis by reading every qualitative response the trans parents provided, rather than responses to just those questions that focused on challenges related to either their trans or parenting identity. That is, we considered everything parents had to say in identifying central themes related to the challenges trans parents face. Moreover, we approached the subject of trans parenting from a trans-inclusive feminist perspective, choosing to emphasize the shared theoretical concerns of both trans and feminist, and transfeminist, scholarship (Scott-Dixon, 2006). We have corrected spelling errors and on one occasion, deleted identifying information; otherwise, we have not changed the wording.

Results and discussion: Challenges related to parenting and family dynamics

We explore challenges trans parents experienced as they navigated the intersection of their transgender identity with their identity as parents. Their stories illustrate the complexities of attempting to negotiate personal and gender transition with family commitments, all within a transphobic culture. Participants recounted the myriad challenges they faced as they reared their children while exploring and resolving gender identity issues. We identified three central themes in our analysis of parenting challenges, including, (1) the implications of trans identity for children’s well-being, (2) conflict with co-parent or partner, and (3) balancing transition with parenting and changes to family structure. Despite the reported invisibility of trans parents, participants attempted to balance their need to accept their own gender identity and to live authentically with their desire for their children to thrive—a goal shared by many parents. This balancing is consistent with Hines’s (2006) work on trans parenting and partnering practices, in which she emphasizes the interaction of agency and choice in the negotiation of gender transition and family commitments.

Implications of trans identity for children’s well-being

The well-being of their children was a major theme in our participants’ narratives about challenges. Trans parents expressed concerns about whether their trans status might negatively impact the lives of their children. Transphobia was a commonplace experience of our participants, and consequently, many of them were concerned about the stigma associated with their trans status being transferred to their children and becoming manifested as victimization. These concerns were not unwarranted. One parent writes, “My son was beaten up because of who I am and was bullied regularly.” Some of the parents who reported the fortuity of not experiencing any significant negative issues with the children prepared themselves preemptively:

Our one son is only 19 months old … so we have not had to face these issues as of yet although my partner and I do discuss these things with each other and with other LGBT parents in anticipation of the future possibility.

Many (50%) trans parents commented when asked how they responded (or would respond) if their children experienced trans-related bullying. Parents discussed three major ways of managing transphobia and bullying experiences. The first was discussing them with authorities. One parent noted, “If at school, I would IMMEDIATELY be in the principal’s office demanding a satisfactory resolution.” Second, parents described processing these situations directly with their children. As one parent said, “I would listen to how he feels about it and what he would like me to do about it.” Another parent added, “I would also review with my children the anti-bullying tactics we have taught them, including how to defuse a situation verbally … .” Finally, some parents discussed how the family managed disclosure as a preventative strategy. As one parent noted, “My son (8th grade) has not told his classmates about my trans status to avoid being bullied & harassed.” Overall, consistent with findings of LG parents’ cautious management of disclosure about bullying (Clarke et al., 2004), trans parents conveyed a sense of carefully judging whether it was wise to be out in particular parenting settings, but taking on transphobia and bullying directly and immediately if it occurred.

If schools were more inclusive in their education about family diversity, and actively invited trans parents’ participation, it would be easier for trans parents to balance their need for privacy with their desire to give their children a sense of agency about their family. That said, schools could explicitly acknowledge trans families and could rely on children’s literature to educate students, but despite the increasing number of children’s books addressing LG parenting, there are almost no books on trans parents. Greater visibility could lead to greater explicit acceptance and so alleviate psychological stress due to perceived fears and actual negative consequences for LGBT parents who disclose challenges (Heatherington and Lavner, 2008). Without explicit acceptance, trans parents may feel a need to minimize their children’s experiences with bullying (Clarke et al., 2004), and consequently, problematizing self-report data in future work would help to reveal the extent to which grim expectations of transphobia influence self-representation of challenges.

Conflict with co-parent

In addition to concerns about their family’s safety and well-being, many trans parents emphasized the stress they experienced in their relationships with their co-parent. Our findings echo the available research that suggests that trans households may experience high levels of family and relationship conflict (Freedman et al., 2002). For many of our participants, this conflict was a result of the shift in gender roles and partnering dynamics that transition necessitates. Many reported that their co-parents (usually, former partners) “could not handle” the transition. Gender transformation for one parent can serve as the basis of irresolvable differences that can often lead to the relationship dissolution (Boyd, 2007). One parent writes, “I came out to my spouse and was ejected from my home.”

A significant portion of our participants reported that their current partners did not know about their trans identity when their relationship began. Some couples worked to keep their family structure intact; however, negotiating one parent’s transition within the context of family life can be very difficult. One parent recounted day-to-day relationship stressors:

The main discrimination that I feel due to my gender identity is from my wife and her brother and his wife. Because they are not comfortable with having a transsexual in the family, I feel that I am personally being discriminated against by them. My wife calls me and “those people”, “Freaks” and she doesn’t want to learn about “them” or meet any of “them” or allow her children to meet any of “them”.

Balancing transition with parenting and changes to family structure

A number of trans parents, specifically those who transitioned after becoming a parent, expressed concern about maintaining positive relationships with their children. Many individuals transitioned at the risk of losing their families—a prominent concern expressed by parents. The only parents who reported de-transitioning (n = 2) did so specifically and temporarily for the sake of their family. Some worried about their children coming to terms with their identity. Our findings revealed some tensions that occurred when children discovered a parent’s trans identity. This tension was especially evident when children, often due to unsought interference by others, were not afforded the time and space to fully grapple with the discovery. One parent describes the repercussion of being “outed” to her daughter before she was ready:

Students & adults alike were text messaging each other using my name. I found out later that during the evening, at least one of my students contacted my daughter via MySpace and out’ed me to her.

Parents described the complicated process of balancing transition with their children. Research has suggested the importance of open and honest dialogue with children during and after a parent transitions (Hines, 2006). However, disclosure to children may also invite parent–child conflict as children reassess their beliefs about gender roles and more importantly, what roles their parent’s identity will play in their lives. The children make their path to acceptance in unique and diverse ways. One parent describes this non-linear process to acceptance:

My daughter (who I told about transitioning when she was 8) was mostly supportive in terms of using female pronouns and calling me by my female name. She has had moments when she’s been embarrassed by me (I was teaching in her elementary school when I started transition and that created a lot of complications) and sometimes has expressed anger for losing ‘a dad.’

Beyond the nuclear family members, our participants discussed external contextual factors that threatened their family dynamics. For example, one parent discussed how antagonism from an extended family member provoked challenges in her nuclear family:

My transition began after we moved in together, so all of the children witnessed it from start to finish. They endured horrible, hateful commentary from their father, who told them their mother was going to burn in hell for living with me, and that they were still married because God doesn’t permit divorce … This strategy has already borne fruit: at first, the children parroted their father every time they visited us, but the frequency of these conversations diminished rapidly.

Future work on trans parents would benefit from the inclusion of children’s perspectives, ethnically diverse participants, and cross-cultural comparisons. Such research has the potential to broaden and deepen our understanding of familial gender roles in LGBQ families but also in traditional/heterosexual/gender normative family structures, precisely because its specificity separates gender identity from the mélange of other intersectional axes of identity.