One Father’s Journey Toward Peace: Integrating the Qur’an Into Narrative Therapy to Address Loss From Parent–Child Estrangement

Estrangement in Parent–Child Relationships

Conceptually, family membership is an unwritten agreement and is a socially constructed contract to align, join, and remain connected throughout one’s life. The practice of supporting communication, forgiveness, and making amends may be the natural course of response to family turmoil (Agllias, 2013a). Many families address turmoil by practicing interventional techniques, such as communication and forgiveness, to keep durable bonds intact. However, individuals may decide to end contact with the entire family unit, viewing the rift as irreparable (Agllias, 2016). Estrangement is a voluntary ceasing of either verbal or physical communication with one or more family members (Scharp & Beck, 2017). Current estrangement research (Scharp & Beck, 2017; Scharp & Dorrance Hall, 2019; Scharp & Thomas, 2018) supporting a focus on estrangement’s initiator is plentiful. Traumatic factors leading one to estrange may be divorce, separation, remarriage, or death; these factors may result in an adult child choosing to permanently detach from the family environment as a coping mechanism (Conti, 2015).

Research shows that estrangement causes distress for all family members; the estranger and the estranged experience distressing factors, such as long-term depression and inability to self-regulate (Scharp & Thomas, 2018). In the parent–child estrangement process, the estranging adult child often blames their parent for being the cause of emotional distress (Scharp & Thomas, 2018). Researchers describe the estrangers as victims when blaming the parent, which explains or creates one aspect of the estrangement phenomenon (Scharp & Thomas, 2018). The parents’ feeling of shame from the estranged relationship and its impact on their well-being is missing from the empirical literature; however, the usual response for coping with guilt among estranged parents may be to recoil and sequester in isolation (Scharp & Thomas, 2018). As a result of isolating and hiding, parental experience in family estrangement appears to be a gap in the research (Scharp & Thomas, 2018). More research on parental perspectives on estrangement may help the treatment models aimed at the population.

While family researchers expand their estrangement work exploring those estranged, participant recruitment from most unwilling estranged parents proves to be an obstacle (Agllias, 2011; Conti, 2015; Scharp, 2019). The customary practice among estranged parents is to withdraw and disconnect; therefore, recruiting this sample set is challenging (Scharp & Thomas, 2018). In addition, negative emotional factors, such as secrecy and shame, may cause some parents to refrain from engaging in social support and decrease their likelihood of taking part in studies (Scharp & Thomas, 2018). Secrecy, shame, and isolation may inhibit the parents from exposing the estrangement’s adverse effects, and they may be fearful to publicly reveal their cutoff phenomenon to others (Scharp & Thomas, 2018). As a result, estranged parents become subject to ambiguous loss, a non-death unsanctioned loss without a clear understanding or ability to express or internalize their grief (Agllias, 2013a).

Understanding and Treatment of Loss

A family member’s estrangement is akin to experiencing a nondeath loss (Knight & Gitterman, 2019). Individuals may seek out grief and loss counseling in response to a death of a loved one. Yet, individuals, who experience nondeath grief and loss, may often not have the same opportunities for clinical support (Knight & Gitterman, 2019). Family estrangement research found that alienated estrangement “loss is ambiguous because the estranger may not be physically present, yet the psychological attachment remains (Agllias, 2013b). The alienated individual’s “symptoms may include anxiety, isolation, rupture of relations, sorrow, and lack of acknowledgment or recognition resulting from loss (Boss, 2017).

The starting point for therapeutic interventions can occur when clients acknowledge their non-death loss symptoms (Boss, 2017). The alienated individual’s emotional ambiguity may manifest into a more considerable loss, and far too often, their estrangement experiences still are unrecognized and disenfranchised by society (Agllias, 2013b). Agllias (2013b) contends that a societal lack of acknowledgment for a non-death loss may compromise the estranged parents’ ability to grieve. Coupled with the inability to grieve outwardly, estranged parents may wait in anticipation for their adult child to return and thus further their first goal of closure (Knight & Gitterman, 2019). As a result, estranged parents struggle to accept the conditions of their parent-child relationship, creating an emotional state of denial. In this state of denial, the estranged parents may seek to develop emotional restoration goals and repair them with their adult child (Knight & Gitterman, 2019). Since the adult child often holds power to resolve the estrangement, the estranged parents’ pursuit of restoration is constricted, deepening their negative emotional state (Agllias, 2013b). Therapists should consider using hypothetical narratives as a treatment intervention to address reunifications’ probable and painful realities (Agllias, 2013b; Knight & Gitterman, 2019). With this treatment intervention, clinicians aid the estranged parent to explore the likelihood, if any, of restoration and prepare them to focus on resilience goals by assessing the individual’s strengths, desires, and aspirations (Knight & Gitterman, 2019). The clinician can support NT’s concept of empowering creativity by exploring strength-based outcomes (Frank, 2018); the individual builds new narratives rather than focusing on reunification (Agllias, 2013b; Knight & Gitterman, 2019).

Agllias’ (2011, 2018) research is foundational to this case study as a pioneer at the forefront of ambiguous loss and estrangement. Agllias (2011) explores the historical depths of estrangement narratives from early bibliotherapeutic texts and assigns the loss as ambiguous. The emotional and psychological efforts to socially conceal the estrangement further isolate the parent, underscoring the effects of ambiguous loss (Agllias, 2013b). Similarly, Agllias (2011) depicts older adults’ estrangement from their adult children and uncovers sentiments of self-shame and blame for poor parenting, resulting in a repression of guilt. The belief and unfavorable stigmatization parents may internalize because of estrangement from one’s children infers they were a “bad parent” (Agllias, 2011, p. 12). Estranged parents can shift from self-shame to reconstructing resilience narratives (Scharp & Thomas, 2018). Research discourse often lacks the estrangement and ambiguous loss phenomenon within unique cultural groups, an area worthy of exploration. Estrangement shame and stigmatization remain embedded in some cultural groups, hindering their inclusion in research discourse. This case study investigates and explores silenced communities’ experiences of shame and stigma from estrangement. One silenced community, Muslims, often refrains from exposing their family turmoil, pushing this group into further isolation (Hodge & Nadir, 2008). The reserved nature of the Muslim community restricts their public exposure to normative societal issues, thus reinforcing the misnomer that they are without problems (Ahmed & Reddy, 2007).

The Muslim Family Unit

Common among most families is the shared premise of creating a family unit that promotes well-being, love, and community (Ahmed & Reddy, 2007). Developing and adopting an environment for their children like their memorable childhood often occurs (Ahmed & Reddy, 2007). Similarly, Muslim households may rely upon Islamic cultural traits and traditions. Muslim parents may choose to raise their children in the tenets of Islam, including abstinence, belief in one God, charity, daily prayers, keeping family relations, and service to others in need (Ahmed & Reddy, 2007). Muslim parents may replicate or improve upon how familiar parenting styles create a predictable outcome: that their children may become emerging adults, strong in the tenets of Islam (Chaudhury & Miller, 2008).

Literature on spiritual parenting styles suggests that when parents increase children’s exposure to positive religious practices, the child may be more likely to uphold similar family religious tenets into adulthood (McNamara-Barry & Nelson, 2005). Family research found that when children participate in weekly religious traditions, they are more than likely to practice similar spiritual habits in adulthood (Goodman & Dyer, 2019; Spilman et al., 2013). Other examples include weekly religious traditions consisting of shared communal meals, and religious services were more likely to produce religious emerging adults through social learning (Spilman et al., 2013). Moreover, families who include spiritual practices into their home experience may have a significantly stronger family relationship than those not (Smith & Kim, 2003). While emerging adults may take part in risk-taking behaviors and self-exploration, religiosity and faith remained an important cultural factor that often directly influenced them to adhere to their religious doctrines (McNamara-Barry & Nelson, 2005).

Literature exploring the breakdown of Muslim families is minimal, reflective of the community’s reserved nature and lack of self-disclosure. One study examining the effects of parenting while residing in an unfamiliar culture found Muslim parents’ lack of self-disclosure relates to acculturation stressors, resulting in feeling overwhelmed, lacking self-confidence, and self-isolating from the community (Ahmed & Reddy, 2007). The impact of isolating from their community supports, along with acculturation stressors, may decrease their self-confidence and negatively affect their parenting abilities. (Ahmed & Reddy, 2007). Limited research on Muslim parenting styles may be due to the lack of individuals reporting their internal and external distress; Muslims are an underreported population within parenting literature (Ahmed & Reddy, 2007).

Narrative Therapy

NT invites the individual and the therapist into a mutually shared experience (Carr, 1998). NT is a non-pathologizing therapy whereby individuals share their problem-saturated narratives as the clinician listens for alternative strength narratives (Frank, 2018). The therapist probes the narrative for potential success as individuals retell their problem-saturated narrative (Carr, 1998). A therapist poses questions to unravel layers of accomplishments and impediments coexisting within the individual’s problem narrative (Bubenzer et al., 1994).

A formative distinction in the NT process distinguishes the individual from their issue (Carr, 1998). Often, individuals enter NT treatment burdened with multiple self-narrative conversations, grounded in trauma, naming themselves with the problem (Bubenzer et al., 1994). NT suggests the problem-saturated narrative is the probable cause for the individual’s negative emotional factors (Carr, 1998). Negative self-talk and cognitive distortion factors may add to the individuals’ problem narrative, resulting in a more significant emphasis on negative experiences (Frank, 2018).

More specifically, NT cognitive interviewing techniques reconstruct negative internal beliefs in the process called externalization (Frank, 2018). The individual applies an external mechanism to their problem, thus disavowing, splitting, and shedding the problem from themselves (Bubenzer et al., 1994). Externalization frees the individual to create a strength-based alternative narrative while coexisting at a distance from their harmful situation (Bubenzer et al., 1994). The therapist’s ability to respond with strength-focused queries, name adversity, and assess solution-focused strengths is vital to the externalization process (Frank, 2018). As a result, clients may evolve into a healthier, preferred self, equipped for unique outcomes. (Frank, 2018).

Recent research is now guiding social work practitioners toward exploring common overlapping factors between ambiguous loss, estrangement, and NT (Agllias, 2013a). Practitioners should carefully screen for loss symptoms, such as embarrassment, shame, and guilt when engaging in estrangement family work, as families may not initially reveal these factors (Agllias, 2013a). Clients experiencing involuntary separation from a family member may often lose their ability to share the estranged experience openly (Agllias, 2013a). NT practitioners supply guidance to reconstruct their loss narrative, find meaning in the incident, and create a strength-based narrative journey (Agllias, 2013a).

Qur’an in Therapy

If selected by and relevant to the client, integrating a bibliotherapy text may positively affect the therapeutic engagement and promote cultural humility. Bibliotherapy is the application of reading and applying textual content into therapeutic sessions (Malloy-Jackson, 2006). “Bibliotherapy tools can heighten the client’s introspection toward achieving strength-based solutions in therapy and enhance their ability to view their problem from a third-party observation, receiving insight into implementing change (Atalay, 2011). In addition, research exploring the Qur’an for emotional and holistic qualities is emerging, as some devoted Muslims found resolve in searching the Qur’an for educational, inspirational, legal, medical, moral, social, and spiritual guidance (Ghanem & Wahab, 2018). At times, the bibliotherapy text provides its readers with calmness and tranquility while seeking solutions to their issues (Sadeghi, 2011).

As a bibliotherapy text, the Qur’an may positively influence a personal sense of well-being in conjunction with a treatment plan (Ahammed, 2010; Ghanem & Wahab, 2018; Sadeghi, 2011; Saged et al., 2020). Another example, Ghanem and Wahab (2018) measured individuals’ heart rate and breathing for calming responses as they listened to the Qur’an. Participants in this study achieved a measurable reduction in their heart rate and breath as they listened to the Qur’an recitation, suggesting increased relaxation (Ghanem & Wahab, 2018). Similarly, Saged et al. (2020) measured the impact of individuals’ stress in response to auditory Qur’an recitation. The empirical results concluded that listening to the Qur’an produced significant healing experiences for 92% of participants, and 81% of the participants reported the auditory experience to be the cure of their psychological ailment (Saged et al., 2020). Furthermore, Sadeghi (2011) compiled a literature review (1996-2010) citing 43 publications referencing the Qur’an as a psychological and medical interventional tool. Finally, Ahammed’s (2010) pairing of solution-focused Qur’an verses with trauma-informed counseling rapidly increased resilience factors for sexual assault survivors rather than eclectic therapy alone.

“Call Upon Me”: Finding Help in the Narrative

It was a warm spring afternoon. I had just finished the Jumma prayer at my local mosque. It is usual practice to commune with the congregation outside the mosque after Friday prayer. An apprehensive and timid man approached me, saying, “Excuse me, Sister, Salaam Alaykum, Sister, may I, may I speak with you for a moment?” “Wa Alaykum as-salaam, yes, please come this way,” I responded with warmth and sincerity.

Sensing the man’s lack of comfort and uncertainty, I led him to stroll the mosque’s grounds with me so his apprehensions and worries would subside through the physical distraction of walking. “You are a counselor, no?” the father inquired. I affirmed and gently replied, “Please, tell me how I can help you.” As we walked, I led him to a quiet area where he wept, and between deep sighs, he recalled the trauma that brought him to tears. His daughter left the family home abruptly one day, permanently cutting off from the life he built for her. Her choice to leave and remain distant from her family, school, and community caused him immense sorrow and pain. He recalled, “For 2 years, every day, I prayed and cried about her choice to leave our home. Finally, my family asked me to speak with someone because I was stuck. The sadness and pain are too much.” Tuning into the father’s confidential disclosure, I responded, “I could only imagine how difficult this is for you; thank you for placing your trust in me and for sharing your story. We can set an appointment to discuss this further.”

During our first meeting, I informed the father that our sessions would be safe to share his narrative. In NT, introducing terms like the narrative, story, and journey allows the individual to view their problem in this framework. To help shape his narrative, I suggested, “This experience is your story; you know it best, so please begin where you would like.” In preserving his daughter’s reputation as a pious Muslim woman, the father hid the estrangement incident from his extended family and community. He then withdrew from his community and extended family to avoid answering her whereabouts or progress in college; thus, the father inadvertently estranged himself from his community to support the estrangement secret, which unknowingly intensified his sorrow. The compounded grief impeded his ability to function, and per his family’s insistence, he finally agreed to attend Jumma’s prayer and turn to his community for help.

I offer therapeutic services for the Islamic community with two unique attributes: supplying clinical services at the local community center and practicing NT. I found that practicing NT in a community host setting affirms mutuality, dually supporting my role as a neutral observer and the client’s role as the expert. As an expert in their life, NT guides individuals to reflect upon and share their positive attributes and strengthening mechanisms. In an Islamic community setting, most Muslims turn to the Qur’an as a source of strength for life’s matters. Pairing this strength-based bibliotherapy text within NT further equalizes my role as a neutral observer, invited into the individual’s problem narrative, to explore strengths from the Qur’an. Quotes from the Qur’an instruct Muslims to ask for help so that opportunities may appear. Muslims often share their suffering first with Allah, as taught to do and to look to the Qur’anic passage, “And your Lord says, ‘Call upon Me; I will respond to you.’” (Ali, 1934/2003, Al-Mumin. 40:60). I honor my Muslim clients’ need for placing Allah first; therefore, I integrate the Qur’an with NT, showing this respect. In handing the actual text to them, I display my readiness to be a part of their narrative journey while referring to them as the expert. Placing the bibliotherapy tool in their hand empowers them to begin and be the author of their new narrative.

“Change What Is in Themselves”: Taking the First Step

In the beginning, the father was resistant to releasing his familiar identity, a wounded and hurt bystander, suffering from the decisions of a daughter he no longer knew. The concept that he should emotionally separate himself from his daughter became one of his most significant obstacles. As a neutral participant, I leaned into our conversations with curiosity while expressing respect and gratitude for his trust in me to go with him along his narrative journey. Sensing his most vital identity as a father, I interviewed the father using curiosity and empathy while simultaneously formulating a trusting rapport. “Tell me about your role as a father? How did you raise your children?” The father’s dominant narrative appeared as a man who sacrificed his entire life for his children. He was their primary caretaker, provider, teacher, and role model in an Islamic household. “My children are my life. I keep an Islamic home. We pray together, give charity, follow the fasting rituals, and go to our mosque for community activities. We live a simple and clean life. ‘G’ rated, as you would say.”

I chose to share a quote from the Qur’an now to underscore his strength in taking part in counseling:

Talking about your problem with your daughter requires strength and bravery, as you shared how long it took you to come back to the community. In the Qur’an, it says, “Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves” (Ali, 1934/2003, Al-Rad.13:11), and I want to acknowledge your strength in taking steps towards change.

As I acknowledged his bravery using the Qur’an, the father’s posture relaxed; he sat further back in his chair, and held the Qur’an in his hands, and quietly mumbled, “Why did she leave? Why did she leave?” Allowing for reflective silence, I asked, “Can you tell me about your daughter, describe what life you envisioned for her?” His eyes welled with tears as he described her as an emerging adult resembling a traditional Muslim young woman, attending college, modest in dress and language, respectful, polite, kind, generous, and deeply involved in their family. After many deep sighs, he paused and began to reveal the problem. A personal computer fell out of her bag one morning. The father opened it and found she had created fake identities, engaged in virtual live sexual exploits and pornography with random strangers, and devised plots to kill him. Uncovering her divergent identity caused the daughter to abruptly leave the family home that day, cutting off communication from all who knew her. He named that day “Allah’s revelation.” The daughter he knew no longer existed. The father kept the details from the disclosure only to himself, hoping to preserve her prior identity that everyone knew. After the revelation day, the father pursued his daughter for 2 years, trying to find her, reconnect with her, and speak with her. Each time he grew closer to finding her, she cut off whatever contacts they shared and continued to stay hidden. With his dominant narrative problem presenting solely on the estrangement, I probed with curiosity to inquire about the less subtle loss narratives intertwining within the estrangement narrative.

After disclosing the revelation narrative and uncovering multiple loss narratives, I asked, “How has her decision to leave you impacted who you are?” Multiple loss narratives began to unravel, such as losing the daughter he raised, the daughter’s loss from his home, the loss of community support from his isolation, shame, and his identity as a successful Muslim father. I questioned him to explore the loss of his daughter’s preserved identity, the one he knew before the revelation day. “Tell me about the hopes and dreams you had for her?” A loss narrative of losing his daughter by his worst imaginable fears overwhelmed him, leading him to reveal his problem-saturated identity as an unsuccessful parent. He would ask, “How could she turn out like this? Who was living in my home? How did this happen?” These questions began the preliminary stages of externalizing the problem narrative.

By gently probing the father about his strength-based positive parenting practices, he began to externalize the daughter’s alternative life choice as the problem. Finally, the father’s recognition that he was not a part of his daughter’s decision to remain estranged peaked the externalization processes. Next, I introduced the recurring loss narratives I heard emerging throughout our sessions: loss of a successful parent, loss of the daughter he raised, community support, and loss of trust in those he loved. Narrating the multiple loss narratives aloud prepared the father to concentrate on deconstructing the loss narratives closest to him, loss of not raising a successful Muslim child, and exploring the Qur’an for similar loss narratives appeared in our next steps.

“Book of Guidance”: Reframing the Narrative

With the father’s identity so intertwined within his children’s lives, making a conscious statement that his daughter’s life is of her own choice and not reflecting upon him began our deconstruction work. I started this session by asking,

I hear you questioning the home you established, on the one hand, an Islamic home should make one strong in the face of temptation, yet then how did she fall into temptation while living in this home? On the other hand, can you recall a Prophet who created a pious household yet had children who chose not to follow their guidance?

This query prompted the father to recount the Qur’anic passage of Prophet Yusef (Joseph) and Yakub (Jacob). The father recalled how Prophet Yakub’s 10 sons plotted to kill their brother Yusef. I proposed,

Let us talk more about the double lives Yakub’s sons were living. In front of Yakub, they played the role of dutiful sons, supporting a grieving father for losing his son Yusef. Yet all the while, they were hiding their crime in causing Yusef’s disappearance. How does their crime compare to that of your daughter’s?

Upon hearing this comparison, the father’s expression became inquisitive and opened his Qur’an to chapter Yusef to review the narration. Our sessions evolved into an exploration beyond the children’s similar crimes, exploring the common grief both he and Prophet Yakub shared. Exploring how Prophet Yakub coped with his dismay, the father found a similar direction for his remedy.

As the father continued to use the Qur’an as a tool in his reconstructive narrative, I said, “The impact the Qur’an has made on your ability to restructure yourself as a secure father and to raise your family in the tenets of Islam is admirable.” The Qur’an states, “This is the Book of Guidance for those Conscious of Allah” (Ali, 1934/2003, Al-Baqarah. 2:2). “Since we began scanning the Qur’an, you have expressed strengthening terms like patience, prayer, and forgiveness to describe the actions you are implementing. I can attest to the strength I see in you since we began using the Qur’an.” Affirming the strength derived from the Qur’an, specifically around being a parent, led the father to one passage that supplied deeper insight into how he would shape his new narrative. He quoted the verse, “Wealth and children are but adornments of the worldly life. But the enduring charitable deeds are better to your Lord for reward and better for one hope” (Ali, 1934/2003, Al-Kahf. 18:46).

This passage reminds me how important my deeds in this world matter. My children’s choices are not a reflection of me, nor should my choices reflect them. As the parent, I must share Allah’s words, expose them to charitable deeds, and set up our home to be an example of purity; the rest is up to each person.

“Ease” Into a New Chapter

The father’s connection to Prophet Yakub was twofold: first, the shared estrangement loss narrative, and second, the shared reliance on prayer and patience. The father confirmed his resilience narrative saying,

My thoughts after my daily prayers have changed from feeling lost and confused about her absence to now feeling grounded and confident that I am doing my best as a parent. Just as Prophet Yakub was a model for how trust, patience, and prayers will bring you peace, I now am experiencing a long-awaited peace, Salaam.

To reframe his strength narrative, I commented,

I hear you say the peace you are feeling arose from separating yourself from those who weighed you down. Releasing their burden, enduring the separation pain with patience and prayers has been the strength you needed to now carry on with peace.

The father replied, “Yes, this is my time of ease, ‘Verily with every hardship comes ease’” (Ali, 1934/2003, Al-Inshirah. 94:5-6). He added, “I now have peace in my heart, Salaam.” This critical application of extracting similar loss narratives from the Qur’an aided the father in externalizing his role as a Muslim parent, separating himself from both the positive and the negative actions of his children. Delineation of these precise characteristics and distinctions of the differentiated selves guided the father’s complete externalization of his presenting problem away from self-blame into resilience.