Abstract
Respect is one of the cornerstones of healthy relationships. The article features the Couple’s Respect Questionnaire as a tool for couples to explore specific examples and qualities of respect in their relationship. The four Rs are presented as core components of respect. They consist of Respect for differences, Responsibility (ability to respond respectfully), Review (a willingness to review), and Release (a willingness to release). Following a profile of the assessed behaviors, a stepwise procedure is outlined to increase a couple’s respect and understanding of behavioral and personality differences.
Keywords
For the past 20 years, the column focusing on couples in The Family Journal has been organized around Haley’s (1973, 1980) four ways of assessing couples. The four ways include understanding and respecting personality differences, role perceptions, communication, and problem-solving skills.
The purpose of the present respect-focused article is for you, as a couple, to explore your own understanding of respecting personality differences. More than 30 years ago, the seeds of the present article were planted when coauthor Daniel Eckstein was counseling a couple. As they bickered back and forth, he had an epiphany: Basic respect for one another was what was lacking in their relationship. With that came the understanding that, without the foundation of respect, there was no basis for the couple to have a meaningful relationship. Indeed, the couple eventually ended their marriage.
This respect-focused article is organized as follows: Following a brief overview of respect, you will be invited to consider differences in your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings of respect compared to those of your partner. Coauthors Donna and Sarah Eckstein have created the Couple’s Respect Questionnaire (CRQ), identifying several core components of respect that contribute to a healthy partnership (see Appendix A).
Answer the questionnaire based on your rating of yourself and/or your partner. The theory behind the questionnaire comes after it. If interested, each of you individually may choose to predict your scores based on the authors’ model. The next step in the CRQ is to score, profile, reflect on, and discuss your respective scores. Implications and “next steps” application will conclude the article.
If you are the only one completing the questionnaire, you can limit your reflection and assessment of respectful behavior to yourself, or you may choose to complete the form from the perspective of your partner.
If you are not currently in a committed relationship, you can complete the activity alone from the perspective of past or even possible future significant relationships. While the article is written for you as a couple, you may find it useful to discuss your own responses, based on your assessment of yourself and your partner, with someone you trust. This may include a friend, family member, counselor, psychologist, social worker, or spiritual advisor.
This review of the literature provides supportive research about four factors, “the four Rs,” contributing to a healthy, respectful relationship. Additional activities from previous couples’ articles, focusing on understanding and respecting personality and behavioral differences, will conclude the article.
From an Adlerian perspective, some form of inferiority and/or superiority is at the heart of disrespectful couples’ relationships. Dreikurs (1999) contrasted the vertical versus the horizontal plane as a concrete way of perceiving yourself in relationship to others. The vertical plane is defined by a “better than/worse than” pecking order, a “top down” approach. Conversely, the horizontal plane stresses “different from” as in “an apple is different from an orange” rather than being somehow “better than” or “worse than” an apple.
The four basic ego states proposed by Harris (1969) in his classic book, I’m OK-You’re OK, described a basic superiority position of “I’m OK-You’re Not OK” compared to the inferiority belief of “I’m Not OK-You’re OK.” The most discouraged position is “I’m Not OK-You’re Not OK,” while the ideal interpersonal orientation is described in the book title. In the present article, the authors encourage partners to attempt to adopt the lens of “I’m OK-You’re OK” as much as possible. Methods of abstaining from negative judgment are outlined using the four Rs.
Literature Review
Given that a healthy partnership is a broad concept, there is an equally broad approach to achieving this desired state. Respecting differences, responsibility, a willingness to review, a willingness to release, and many other relationship factors are significant in contributing to a healthy partnership (Bertoni & Bodenmann, 2010; Carlson, 1997; Gottman, Gottman, & DeClaire, 2006; Worthington, Lerner, & Sharp, 2005). Here is some basic information on how to strengthen a healthy partnership.
Respect (Respect for Differences)
One aspect of respect is the way in which a person handles differences between people. Even though numerous findings have revealed that people are romantically more attracted to people who are highly similar to them (Böhm, Schütz, Rentzsch, Körner, & Funke, 2010; O’Rourke, Claxton, Chou, Smith, & Hadjistavropoulos, 2011), further literature demonstrated that there are many ways to strengthen a healthy partnership despite the partner’s impactful differences. Differences can include differences such as personality, behavior, lifestyle, gender, age, culture, and unique preferences.
Carlson (1997) advised people to seek to understand, over and above seeking to be understood. A need to be right can often compromise your ability to really listen and understand your partner’s feelings. Seeing the gray areas where neither partner is perfectly “right” nor “wrong,” but just different, can be a very challenging but helpful habit to develop when communicating. Pausing for a moment to understand your and your partner’s separate realities is highly recommended. Compromises are often one of the best tools couples can employ to work respectfully together (Bertoni & Bodenmann, 2010).
Demonstrate Respect
Vassar (2012) identified a dozen behaviors, to actually demonstrate respect, not just to talk about it. You can commit to the ability to “show respect” (even when you are note thinking it or feeling it) to both your partner and, indeed, to all others. Face the person with whom you are speaking; Make and keep eye contact, unless this is considered disrespectful, as in some cultures or situations; Use friendly facial expressions and subtly mirror the other person’s postures; Display open body language and use accepting behaviors: smiling, nodding, and so on; Stand and or sit with your spine erect; Give time to the other person to express his or her thoughts, feelings, needs, values, concerns, beliefs, or perspectives; Use “I” messages instead of “You” messages for sharing your opinion; When disagreeing with your partner, state it as a personal opinion rather than as a fact; Agree to disagree; Speak firmly, slowly, and clearly and commit to a calm voice whenever possible; Avoid interrupting your partner; Practice basic manners by being polite, thankful, appreciative, and sensitive to your partner’s opinions and needs (Retrieved March 15, 2013, from http://lakesideconnect.com/anger-and-violence/respect-one-antidote-for-shame/?gclid=CMzj94Ckn7ECFQW0nQod2ll1Wg).
Responsibility
Responsibility (or response ability) has two facets: the ability to respond respectfully to your partner and the ability to accept personal responsibility for your behavior (accountable, trustworthy, and reliable). The ability to respond respectfully during a conflict of differences is an important factor in a healthy partnership (Worthington et al., 2005). There is, however, an array of approaches to respectful partner interactions: direct and detailed verbal communication, more passive suggestions of feelings and needs, passionate eruptions of material from both parties at once, and so on (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Johnson and Lebow (2000) highlighted this by stating that in the past decade, there had been “a greater recognition that different cultures hold differing expectations for relationships and that one-size-fits-all interventions have intrinsic limits” (p. 32). Identifying yourself and your partner’s unique methods of effective communication is vitally important because all couples communicate with each other differently. There is no “cookie cutter” to show all couples exactly how they should communicate in order to achieve the healthiest relationship possible (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
Demonstrate Responsibility
So what can a couple do to demonstrate their responsibility (and “response ability”) when a conflict arises? Many authors advise you to tell your partner how you truly feel and what you need, even though this may cause tension temporarily (Gottman et al., 2006). Bring up the problem with as little criticism and shaming as possible (Garcia, 2012), accept personal responsibility for your portion of the problem immediately (Fincham, Hall, & Beach, 2005), and refrain from interrupting your partner or interpreting the messages before he or she has finished speaking (Gottman et al., 2006). Due to the rich variety of methods by which couples can demonstrate responsibility (response ability), there is a list of relevant articles, books, and other resources at the end of this article for additional information on this fundamental topic.
Review
A willingness to review includes the desire to reflect and communicate with awareness and understanding (reconsider, examine, change, and improve).
Research supports communicating your feelings and/or needs to your partner frequently, even though it may stir up resentment or anger (Gottman & Silver, 1999). This includes your willingness, and ability, to choose your battles wisely. Be sensitive to raising a conflict; is this the appropriate time and place, and is the argument a necessity (Carlson, 1997; Gottman & Silver, 1999). Carlson (1997) instructed couples to examine a list of the most frequent arguments they have and ask themselves if they were willing to permanently let go of reengaging any of cyclical conflicts. To facilitate increased prioritizing and perspective, he invented the “time warp game,” in which an individual reviews or considers an issue and asks himself or herself whether this issue is important enough to matter in a year. If it is, it is likely worthy of a serious conversation with your partner. If not, it may be time to let that issue go.
Demonstrate Review
When reviewing arguments or conversations with your partner or just within your own mind, Garcia (2012) encouraged individuals to set their intention on learning from the past. Examine unexplored angles. Identify changes you would make if you could go back and redo that interaction. Then make a personal commitment to try to make those changes, if possible, in the future to the best of your ability. As you go through this sometimes-humbling process of reviewing, try to be patient with yourself and your partner; this is designed to be a learning experience that highlights both your strengths and your areas needing improvement (Carlson, 1997).
Release
Release is the willingness to let go of negative emotions, conflicts, arguments, and/or abuse; to forgive; to work toward a relationship based on creating respect for differences between you and your partner; the willingness to relinquish or extinguish an unhealthy relationship when appropriate. If a couple is ready to let go of a conflict, how do they do this? Forgiveness is a primary factor in this answer as can be seen in the renowned author Brown’s (n.d.) famous witty quote: “One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.”
Worthington, Lerner, and Sharp (2005) noted that couples who can interrupt the cycle of criticism and conflict quickly are significantly happier than those who allow a conflict to be painfully repeated many times. Increased forgiveness is so important, in fact, that it has been shown to significantly reduce a stress hormone, cortisol, in the brain (Kiecolt-Glaser, Bane, Glaser, & Malarkey, 2003). A second benefit of increased forgiveness is it seems to predict a reduced frequency of divorce; a couple is at least 50% less likely to divorce if they can forgive each other (Kiecolt-Glaser et al., 2003). Forgiveness and releasing emotions, however, can be extremely challenging. Couples are encouraged to practice respectful communications by reviewing past arguments, taking responsibility for their behavior, releasing emotions surrounding the conflict, and communicating their forgiveness to each other (Worthington et al., 2005). Practice forgiving your partner for smaller issues first, and focus on expressing empathy and support for your partner (Worthington et al., 2005). Expressing empathy while forgiving your partner can be done by verbally reflecting, repeating back to your partner what you heard, in a thoughtful manner that says you understood what was said about feelings, meanings, and needs (Elliott, Bohart, Watson, & Greenberg, 2011).
Demonstrate Release
The willingness to release emotions and let go of conflicts within yourself as well as with your partner is considered crucial by many professionals in the field of psychology (Fennell, 1993; Fincham et al., 2005; Garcia, 2012). An unwillingness or inability to release emotions and let go of conflicts may lead to the need to end the relationship. In the case of a breakup, Garcia (2012) advised individuals to “identify and accept that which cannot be changed and to let go, grieve, and grow from the experience.” Letting go of partners can be extremely challenging; however, literature reveals that this process can facilitate a healthy forward movement toward a more centered you and better future relationships.
Conclusion
Because each individual is so different, disappointments and disagreements are inevitable in a committed relationship. Finding ways to respectfully communicate negative feelings, to ask for your expectations to be met, review past behaviors, and release resentments that do not serve you are incredibly helpful skills that take time and perseverance to achieve (Fincham et al., 2005). These tactics, however, have been documented as viable means by which healthy, respectful, long-lasting, and mutually enriching romantic relationships can be established and maintained for many years.
Summary
The purpose of the present article has been to focus on the critical role of creating respect in couples using a model that one of the authors, Donna Eckstein, calls “The four Rs.” A review of the literature on the qualities of healthy relationships has shown that factors involved in creating respect in couples include the abilities to show respect for differences, to accept personal responsibility (response-ability), a willingness to review (strengths and conflicts), and a willingness to release (negative emotions, conflicts, arguments, and/or abuse, as well as to forgive yourself and your partner). It is the belief of these authors that creating respect in couples is a daily commitment to use “the four Rs” to work toward a healthy and loving relationship.
The CRQ was created by family members, Donna and Sarah Eckstein, as an introspective and interactive exercise for individuals and couples. The information derived from the CRQ is best supported by an ongoing commitment to working toward a healthy relationship based on creating and improving respect for differences within oneself and one’s partner. This may also include the willingness to relinquish or extinguish an unhealthy relationship, when appropriate.
Appendix B has additional Family Journal columns for couples, addressing relationship personality differences. All 20 years of Haley’s four ways of accessing couples can be found in Eckstein (2012).
Footnotes
Appendix A
Appendix B
Authors’ Note
Sadly, Daniel Eckstein passed away before he was able to see this article published. He lived the themes that were central to his writing: Encouragement, Empathic Connections (the Couples' Column), and Enjoying life. We are grateful for the many scholarly and emotional contributions he made by encouraging others get more involved in the joy of learning, creating, writing, presenting, publishing and contributing to our field.
Declaration of Conflicting Interests
The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.