Abstract
Relational style focuses on how a couple organizes their relationship and deals with differences and conflicts. In contrast, the couple sexual style refers to how each person maintains their sexual autonomy (i.e., sexual voice) while being an intimate sexual team integrating intimacy and eroticism. Typically, a couple’s sexual style is different than their relational style. This concept can be motivating and empowering, especially for couples in therapy.
Over the past 25 years, couple researchers and clinicians have made significant advances in the field, including helping couples address and resolve differences and conflicts within their relationship (Gottman, 1999). Marital power struggles often stem from a lack of agreement regarding the relational style that best suits a particular couple. However, relationships consist of both relational and couple sexual styles. This conceptual/clinical article will explore whether couple relational and sexual styles are usually the same or different.
The relational style acts as the most important variable in creating a respectful, trusting, emotional commitment, while the couple sexual style involves the balance of sexual autonomy while being an intimate sexual team who integrate intimacy and eroticism into their relationship. If a particular relational style fits best for the couple rather than assuming the same sexual style is also the best choice, it is crucial that the clinician help the couple decide on the sexual style that is the right fit for them. While a great need for conceptual and empirical research on these very important issues still exists, preliminary clinical observations find that the couple sexual style is usually different than the relational style (McCarthy & McCarthy, 2009). Most couples (and most clinicians) assume the relational style and sexual style would be the same, or at least similar, but this is not usually the case. For the vast majority of couples (and most clinicians), this is a new and motivating concept and facilitates a specific, personal dialogue about the roles and meanings of sexuality in their relationship. The clinician educates and helps the couple choose which sexual style makes the most sense for them (Metz, Epstein, & McCarthy, 2017).
The Four Primary Couple Sexual Styles
Sex therapy is a subspecialty of couple therapy. Sex therapists advocate for satisfying, secure, and sexual relationships. About 15–20% of couple sexuality is acting to energize the bond and reinforce feelings of desire and desirability (McCarthy, 2015).
A crucial couple task is choosing, or developing, a mutually agreed on sexual style. Most relationships begin idealized, with romantic love and passionate sex (i.e., the limerence phase). This stage is special but fragile, lasting 6 months to 2 years (Tennov, 1998). The challenge for married, or partnered, couples is to transition from the limerence phase to develop a couple sexual style that promotes strong, resilient sexual desire. Couple sexual desire involves two factors: (1) balancing individual autonomy (i.e., sexual voice) with being an intimate sexual team and (2) integrating intimacy and eroticism into the relationship.
For too many couples, sexuality acts as a contentious, or even adversarial, issue due to partners’ different assumptions, attitudes, feelings, and values. The therapist facilitates an explicit discussion about sexuality, generally, and couple sexual style, specifically. A couple sexual style that promotes desire/pleasure/eroticism/satisfaction is core to relational vitality and satisfaction. Rather than a power struggle about intercourse frequency, the couple adopts the same language about the roles and meanings of sexually.
The four couple sexual styles (in order of frequency) are as follows: Complementary—“mine and ours” Traditional—“conflict minimizing” Best friend—“soul mate” Emotionally expressive—“fun and erotic”
Each couple sexual style possesses unique strengths and vulnerabilities. The clinical focus is to help the couple choose the sexual style that fits them, whether different or the same as their relational style.
Complementary Couple Sexual Style
The complementary couple sexual style emphasizes being intimate and erotic allies. Complementary couples value female–male equity that promotes intimacy, pleasuring, and eroticism. Each partner has the freedom to initiate a sexual encounter, say “no” and offer an alternative way to share pleasure, and engage in sensual, playful, or erotic scenarios as well as intercourse. Both partners value intimacy and eroticism, honor each other’s sexual voice, take personal responsibility for sexuality, and are committed to be an intimate sexual team. Couples in therapy are more likely to choose the complementary sexual style because it fits the therapeutic model of personal responsibility for sexuality and being an intimate sexual team.
Traditional Couple Sexual Style
The traditional couple sexual style follows traditional gender roles where the man’s domain is sexual initiation and intercourse frequency, while the woman’s domain is intimacy and stability. Sexual communication and negotiation is not needed since this style emphasizes clear rules and roles. As a result, sexual conflict and drama are minimized. This sexual style is most likely to be stable and is congruent with the traditional relational style. If the couple becomes nonsexual, as long as they value marital stability and affectionate touch, this is accepted as a normal part of aging.
Best Friend Couple Sexual Style
The best friend couple sexual style is the most intimate, with a major emphasis on mutuality. This style represents the cultural ideal. The couple emphasizes intimacy and reinforces mutuality and a secure relationship. Emotional intimacy and sexual pleasure are shared, acceptance and love are highly valued, and a secure bond creates an emotionally and sexually validating couple style. Often, the best friend relational style best fits the needs of the majority of couples, but the best friend sexual style can inhibit sexual desire and lead to de-eroticizing the partner and relationship.
The Emotionally Expressive Couple Sexual Style
The emotionally expressive couple sexual style is the most fun, playful, and high energy. The emphasis is on eroticism and taking sexual risks. This is the couple others often envy. They enjoy freedom from traditional gender roles, are more likely to set their own sexual rules (including consensual nonmonogamy), enjoy experimenting with sexual scenarios, and use role enactment arousal (e.g., sex videos, sex games, and playing out erotic fantasies). They value freedom from traditional sexual expectations and constraints. Sex can be used as a way to heal emotional conflict, promote risk-taking and experimentation, enjoy unique sexual preferences, and embrace sexual intensity and drama. The emotionally expressive couple sexual style features intense feelings and sensations.
Vulnerabilities and Interventions for Each Couple Sexual Style
Each couple sexual style has potential vulnerabilities or traps. An awareness of the vulnerabilities, which can be quite different, decreases the possibility that the couple will fall into the traps of their chosen sexual style.
The prime vulnerability of the complementary sexual style is treating sex with benign neglect and failing to adjust to reality factors that divert from couple sexuality, like the birth of a child or a job loss. To counter these vulnerabilities, the couple creates an agreement that every 6 months each partner will initiate a new pleasuring, erotic, intercourse, or afterplay scenario (at least two new scenarios a year). Sexuality requires continual inputs and energy to promote strong, resilient sexual desire. New scenarios build anticipation and experimentation, while combatting routine and boredom.
The common vulnerability for the traditional sexual style is that the man no longer has totally predictable sexual function as he ages. Additionally, the woman feels her needs for touch and intimacy are overridden by his focus on intercourse. As such, the gender roles become rigid. An intervention is that every 6 months the man initiates an intimacy date with a prohibition on intercourse and orgasm and the woman initiates a playful or erotic date including her choice whether to transition to intercourse or not. Within these interventions, the couple honors the traditional sexual style, while still “spicing it up.”
The best friend couple sexual style has a number of vulnerabilities including low sex frequency and de-eroticizing the spouse. There is so much emphasis on mutuality that neither partner takes the risk to initiate a sexual encounter. The intervention is that every 6 months each partner initiates a “selfish” asynchronous erotic or playful scenario. The message is that not all sex has to be mutual, intimate, and serious. The couple can be best friends without being sexual clones. These scenarios allow best friend couples the space to sexually breathe and play.
The vulnerability of the emotionally expressive sexual style is quite different. There is so much sexual drama that it subverts the relationship; this is the least secure sexual style. After a negative sexual encounter, lying in bed nude can make partners feel extremely vulnerable. The intervention is an emotional agreement that no matter how hurt, angry, or drunk, each partner commits to not dropping a “sexual bomb.” This boundary allows them to enjoy their fun, erotic relationship without fear of a devastating sexual incident.
The key for couples is to choose the couple sexual style that fits best, to enjoy its strengths while being aware of the vulnerabilities, and committing to monitor these so they do not fall into “traps.” The crucial components of a healthy marriage are respect, trust, and emotional commitment. In a healthy marriage, sexuality has a small, 15–20% role, energizing the marital bond and reinforcing feelings of desire and desirability. The paradox is that sex can have an inordinately powerful negative role when it is dysfunctional, conflictual, or avoidant by draining intimacy and threatening relational stability.
Congruence Between Relational and Sexual Styles
Couples assume their relational and sexual styles will be the same (if they think about it at all). This congruence is most likely to be true of the traditional relational and sexual styles since the traditional sexual style reinforces the traditional relational style. The prime example of incongruence involves the best friend relational style and the complementary sexual style. The best friend relational style is compatible with Gottman and Silver’s (2015) conceptual and clinical models of a healthy marriage. The secure marital bond where the spouse is confident that the partner will be emotionally present, supportive, and receptive, including in times of trouble, is powerful and validating (Johnson, 2008). Theorists and clinicians mistakenly feel this should naturally transfer to couple sexuality—a secure bond, open communication, and intimacy should be enough, sexually. However, the best friend sexual style, although a good fit for some couples, is not the right fit for the majority of couples. Although intimacy is of immense value, that is not the whole story, sexually. The challenge for couples, straight or gay, and married or partnered is to integrate intimacy and eroticism into their relationship (Perel, 2006). The new sexual mantra is desire/pleasure/eroticism/satisfaction (Foley, Kope, & Sugrue, 2012). Intimacy and eroticism are very different dimensions but not adversarial or incompatible. Desire is enhanced by intimacy, touching, and security. It is also enhanced by playfulness, personal and sexual risk-taking, erotic fantasies, lustful feelings, intense sensations, and unpredictable scenarios and techniques.
The vulnerability of the best friend sexual style is that there is so much closeness and intimacy that they de-eroticize each other and their relationship. In addition, caring results in an overemphasis on mutuality. Instead of enjoying the freedom to initiate sex or introduce asynchronous sexual scenarios, the partner backs off and settles for cuddling, resulting in lower sexual frequency and vitality.
The complementary sexual style allows each spouse to value intimacy and integrate eroticism. The complementary style reinforces “her,” “his,” and “our” bridges to sexual desire (McCarthy & McCarthy, 2014). The complementary sexual style fits the therapeutic model of personal responsibility and being an intimate sexual team. Couples in therapy for sexual problems commonly choose the complementary sexual style while remaining committed to the best friend relational style.
Therapy Issues
In marital therapy, sexual issues are commonly downplayed. Traditionally, sexual dysfunction was viewed as a symptom of a relationship problem. Emotionally focused therapy emphasizes the secure attachment bond as the essence of couple sexuality (Johnson, 2017). Marital therapists do not trust sexuality, generally, and eroticism, specifically. Eroticism is seen as anti-intimate. In this view, eroticism endorses a pornographic approach to sex, promotes affairs, and accepts atypical (kinky) sexual behavior.
Sex therapists have a different approach to understanding and treating sexual dysfunction. More couples present for therapy with a desire problem than any other sexual issue (Leiblum, 2010). Sexuality theorists and clinicians view eroticism in the context of desire and satisfaction and can be and is integrated into couple sexuality to enhance desire, pleasure, arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction.
Couples experiencing desire problems hope that better communication, emotional problem-solving, and reinforcing the couple bond will resolve the sexual problem by enhancing intimacy and security. Although valuable, this is not enough to deal with the sexual dysfunction. Sex therapists advocate the model of personal responsibility for sexuality and being an intimate sexual team, an approach compatible with the complementary sexual style. Each partner maintains sexual autonomy (i.e., sexual voice). The complementary sexual style is most often chosen because it facilitates “her,” “his,” and “our” bridges to sexual desire (McCarthy & McCarthy, 2014). Each partner values desire/pleasure/eroticism/satisfaction. In the psychosexual skill exercise of creating a preferred sexual scenario (McCarthy & McCarthy, 2012), the partners are surprised to discover that each person has a different scenario for sexual initiation, pleasuring, eroticism, intercourse, orgasm, and afterplay. By its nature, couple sexuality is flexible, variable, and complex with different roles, meanings, and outcomes. This is compatible with the complementary sexual style and contrasts with the best friend sexual style that emphasizes intimacy, mutuality, and predictability.
The most controversial dimension of the new sexual mantra is eroticism. Eroticism is associated with porn, lust, and high-intensity, high-risk, kinky, out-of-control sexuality. This approach to eroticism focuses on performance and proving oneself sexually. It is an anti-intimacy approach. In contrast, we advocate for integrated eroticism neither adversarial nor incompatible with intimacy. Eroticism is about taking emotional and sexual risks, mystery and creativity, and unpredictability. Its core role is to enhance sexual vitality. Integrated eroticism, especially partner interaction arousal and self-entrancement arousal, fits for most couples. Different sexual styles integrate eroticism in different ways. Eroticism is a core component in couple sexuality and acts an integral dimension of the desire/pleasure/eroticism/satisfaction mantra.
Ideally, a marriage is satisfying, secure, and sexual. Traditionally, marital therapists have emphasized security, while sex therapists have emphasized sexual vitality and eroticism. Marriage therapists worry that sexual issues (particularly porn and affairs) will destabilize the marriage. The advantage of the satisfying, secure, and sexual approach is to provide a genuine common ground and language that is in the best interest of the professional field and couples. Specifically, the 15–20% role of sexuality is to energize the bond and reinforce feelings of desire and desirability. Sexuality strengthens satisfaction and security. Eroticism need not destabilize the marriage by fomenting relationship conflict and discontent or increase pressure to prove oneself sexually, affairs, and sexual conflict. The healthy 15–20% role of sexuality is satisfaction and bonding.
The example of “Evan” and “Sheila,” a Caucasian, heterosexual, moderately religious couple, is based on a composition of couples seen in private practice, located in a large metropolitan area.
Evan and Sheila
A characteristic of troubled couples is blaming one another and avoiding therapy until the problem becomes severe and chronic. Sheila and Evan began as a loving, committed couple who enjoyed sex. However, after 22 years, they were a bitter, alienated couple in a nonsexual marriage. The crisis that finally brought them to therapy was Sheila’s discovery that Evan was spending between US$200 and US$300 per month at strip bars and online sex sites. Evan counterattacked saying he needed a sexual outlet, and Sheila spent more money on religious donations for needy families. Each spouse had their group of same gender advocates. Evan’s brothers, brother-in-law, and male friends bemoaned their wives (and ex-wives) lack of interest in sex, leaving the man to fend for himself sexually. Sheila’s sister and female friends felt betrayed by their husband’s sexual activities, as well as not being involved fathers. The blame–counterblame dynamic was dominant. The arguments degenerated into name-calling and dirty fighting.
Traditionally, couple therapists focused on communication and conflict issues and ignored sexual problems. If sexual issues were addressed, the focus was eliminating male offensive sexual behavior. In contrast, the couple therapist Evan and Sheila were referred to adopted a comprehensive psychobiosocial approach to assessment and treatment (McCarthy & Wald, 2017). She utilized a four-session assessment model beginning with a conjoint session to reinforce that sexual problems are best approached as a couple issue. This was followed by individual psychological/relational/sexual histories to understand each spouse’s narrative and explore sensitive/secret issues. The fourth session was a 90-min couple feedback session to create a new understanding of the spouse and the relational problems, establish goals and a therapeutic plan, and provide Evan and Sheila a homework assignment to complete between therapy sessions. Half of the therapy occurs in the therapist’s office, while the other half occurs in the couple’s home. The therapist conveyed a “both-and” treatment approach. A core concept was for Sheila and Evan to rebuild their couple bond and develop a new couple sexual style.
Sheila was open to this comprehensive approach, including dealing directly with sexual issues. She was receptive to the mantra of a satisfying, secure, and sexual marriage. Evan was tired of the attack–counterattack pattern and relieved that he would not be shamed as the “sexual bad guy.” Evan now realized that strip clubs and Internet porn were emotionally and financially expensive.
They began their marriage with a best friend relational style, which had badly eroded. The focus in therapy, as well as reading and during couple exercises, was to rebuild the respect, trust, emotional intimacy commitment, and best friend relational style. At the same time, Sheila and Evan needed to address sexuality problems, specifically to create a new couple sexual style.
Evan and Sheila were motivated to restore their marital bond. Realizing the destructive role of the power struggle motivated them to confront the “poison” in their marital system. The clinician reinforced that although they could not change the past, they could certainly learn from it. Change involved rebuilding respect, trust, emotional intimacy, and commitment to a satisfying and secure bond anchored by the best friend relational style.
Sheila missed intimacy and touching but was hesitant to address issues of pleasure and eroticism. Sheila worried she would not be as erotic as women in the strip clubs or online pornography sites. Evan worried that a sexual power struggle would destabilize their renewed relational bond.
The new sexual mantra of desire/pleasure/eroticism/satisfaction gave Sheila and Evan a shared sexual language and meaning. In discussing the couple sexual style, the therapist provided readings and a psychosexual skill exercise (McCarthy, 2015). The most challenging concept for Sheila was incorporating her erotic voice into couple sexuality. Evan’s challenge was valuing sexual pleasure and confronting the individual sex performance approach. In retrospect, Evan had been using the traditional sexual style, while Sheila wanted the best friend sexual style. This played a major role in the sexual power struggle. This unacknowledged difference ensured that sexuality would remain a contentious issue. Their mutual commitment to adopt and implement the complementary sexual style was a major breakthrough. This allowed Sheila and Evan to affirm being an intimate sexual team and to confront sexual avoidance as the joint enemy. Even more important, they engaged in the psychosexual skill exercises for desire—comfort, attraction, trust, and each spouse’s preferred sexual scenario (McCarthy & McCarthy, 2012). Instead of performing for Sheila, Evan treated her as his intimate and erotic ally and learned to piggyback his arousal on hers.
The couple task was to determine a mutually comfortable level of intimacy that facilitated desire and eroticism. Sheila had assumed that the more intimacy the better. Evan felt smothered by Sheila’s emotional needs that discouraged playfulness and erotic risk-taking. In retrospect, they understood that a major source of sexual conflict was the underlying struggle over the role and meaning of intimacy and eroticism. Choosing the complementary couple sexual style and affirming a satisfying, secure, and sexual marriage was powerfully validating. Rather than sexual conflicts placing stress on the marriage, sexuality energized and bonded their relationship.
The therapist urged Sheila and Evan to adopt a relapse prevention plan so that sexual gains were maintained and generalized. This included 6-month check-in therapy sessions, bimonthly pleasuring dates, and a weekend couple trip without children at least once a year. In a reversal of traditional gender roles, Sheila would monitor sexual issues, and Evan would monitor relational issues. Evan wanted to be sure that relationally they did not become dependent but did maintain a close, secure bond. Sheila wanted to be sure that sexuality was both intimate and erotic and flexible enough to meet each spouse’s needs. Sheila was surprised that sexuality as a tension reducer was so important. Their new sexual relationship allowed her to feel better about their revitalized marital bond. The complementary couple sexual style was a better fit for her and their marriage than the best friend sexual style had ever been.
Summary
Two major contributions of the sex therapy field to couple therapy are the role of semistructured psychosexual skill exercises and the concept of a couple sexual style. Unlike the relational style, which focuses on dealing with differences and conflicts, the couple sexual style involves the balance of sexual autonomy (i.e., sexual voice) with being an intimate sexual team. The second dimension is how each sexual style integrates intimacy and eroticism. The sexual style may be the same as the relational style but usually is different. Although one size never fits all, the most common pattern is the best friend relational style and the complementary sexual style. Clinical and empirical researchers need to fully explore couple relational and sexual styles.
Footnotes
Declaration of Conflicting Interests
The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
