Mothers’ Emotion Regulation in Response to Guilt: A Qualitative Investigation

Intensive Mothering

Devoting all free time to children and being solely responsible for children's outcomes and behaviors are a couple of ideals mothers feel the full weight of bearing. Research identifies intensive mothering as a response to the social pressure, where mothers try to fulfill all the societal expectations of motherhood resulting in feelings of guilt and shame when they are unable to achieve these ideals (Rizzo et al., 2013). Media narratives push these ideals onto mothers and excessive guilt caused by the inability to portray these ideals leads to negative health outcomes such as mood disorders or anxiety disorders (Douglas & Michaels, 2004; Liss et al., 2013; Rizzo et al., 2013). Hays (1996) defined five factors associated with intensive mothering: essentialism, fulfillment, stimulation, challenging, and child-centered. Essentialism refers to the belief that mothers are solely responsible for their children and they are the most important contributor to the child's upbringing. If mothers themselves believe this to be true, this can cause a great deal of stress and guilt while trying to meet this standard. Essentialism can deter mothers from seeking social support known as “maternal gatekeeping” (Gaunt, 2008) stemming from the belief that they alone are the most capable caregiver. Henderson et al. (2015) found that even if mothers do not subscribe to beliefs of intensive mothering, the standards of contemporary motherhood are inescapable. Their study also found that contrary to previous literature, the pressure to be the perfect mother is pervasive across all levels of employment, as well as with mothers who have children of all ages.

Maternal guilt is influenced not only by individual attitudes toward what an ideal mother should be but also by cultural and sociopolitical contexts. These contexts in conjunction with microlevels of personal development shape children’s and then adults’ ideas about parenting. Childrearing ideologies are shifting; mothers become confused and develop internal conflicts as their attitudes do not align with their living circumstances. In addition to societal discourse of the ideal mother, other sources of guilt in the cultural and social lives have been identified by the current literature. A cross-cultural study conducted by Collins (2021) found that the most common sources of guilt for mothers in the United States, Sweden, Germany, and Italy are insufficient time spent with children, concern for children's well-being, finding quality childcare, and paid work. The study found that only mothers from the United States were concerned for their children's safety, their ability to breastfeed, and receive maternity leave. Mothers also have internalized standards and expectations for themselves that induce guilt if they do not achieve it (Liss et al., 2013). Maternal guilt is rooted in their sense of responsibility to their children (Sutherland, 2010b). Working mothers have to grapple with the balance of their career and homelife, which is a struggle for many. A study by McLean et al. (2021) found that working mothers view themselves as highly divergent from what they consider an ideal mother and they have high levels of guilt. The study showed that even if mothers did not have “ideal mother” beliefs, if they were working, they were at high risk for work-interfering-with-family guilt. Chen et al. (2022) found mothers, who struggle financially and have limited social support, feel pressured to follow intensive mothering ideology and strive for perfection in childrearing, which intensifies maternal guilt because it is not possible for them to spend that amount of time with children.

The Impact of Maternal Guilt

Maternal guilt affects mothers’ mental health. Zukauskiene and Zukauskiene (2024) found that mothers who delivered preterm babies often blamed themselves for their children's premature birth; this blame and the feeling of guilt for some of them resulted in posttraumatic stress and postpartum depression. Researchers stress the importance of mental health support for mothers who experience birth-related trauma, because guilt can have long-term psychological effects. Similarly, Miller and Strachan (2020) showed that maternal guilt can affect health behaviors, as mothers who feel guilty about their behaviors may avoid engaging in self-care, thus exacerbating mental health issues.

Maternal guilt also affects children’s development. For instance, mothers who feel guilty for not providing “perfect” meals to children are overinvested in the children’s academic activities putting pressure on them. Maternal guilt leads to detrimental excessive emotional labor, which diminishes not only mother’s well-being but also relationships with children (Mikolajczak & Roskam, 2024).

Mothers who feel the pressure to be perfect and suffer from feelings of guilt when they generally have lower levels of self-efficacy and higher levels of stress and anxiety (Henderson et al., 2015). Subscribing to intensive mothering beliefs like essentialism where mothers believe they are the most capable parent can also lead to higher levels of stress and lower life satisfaction (Rizzo et al., 2013). Mothers feel guilty for taking any time for themselves and end up not attending to their daily needs (Constantinou et al., 2021).

Maternal guilt can lead to more controlling parenting practices (Slobodin et al., 2020). It is possible that mothers who feel more guilt can practice a more self-centered intensive approach to parenting; this contradicts the hope of intensive mothering as being good for the child (Constantinou et al., 2021). A qualitative analysis by Rotkirch and Janhunen (2010) found that guilt can lead to aggression, wanting to leave maternal situations, wanting more alone time, and preferential treatment (usually toward younger siblings). Emotion regulation can be a useful coping mechanism for maternal guilt. Practicing self-compassion has shown fruitful in increasing emotional resilience for mothers (Solomon & Mehta-Barden, 2016). Mothers who have fewer difficulties with emotion regulation are more likely to foster an environment of positive family expressiveness, and this also results in greater child emotion regulation (Are & Shaffer, 2016). Practicing self-compassion can further promote less feelings of guilt in areas outside of motherhood. For example, a study conducted by Miller and Strachan (2020) found that when levels of self-compassion increase, guilt about not engaging in health-promoting behaviors decreased and there was increased engagement in these behaviors.

This study aimed to explore maternal guilt using a qualitative thematic analysis (Braun & Clarke, 2006). The researchers investigated emotion regulation of maternal guilt to understand how mothers cope with it. The following research question guided the study: What are the main emotion regulation strategies for maternal guilt?

Trustworthiness Procedure

We used the following criteria to address trustworthiness: (1) credibility, (2) transferability, and (3) dependability. We established credibility by obtaining data from a diverse group of mothers with children of different ages. The research team constantly met to discuss the results in a peer-debriefing format. The principal investigator made sure to gather input from each research team member. The data was triangulated with reflective notes. Dependability was achieved through consultation with colleagues experienced in qualitative research.

Maintaining a Sense of Identity Outside of Children

The first theme in emotion regulation of guilt for mothers is maintaining a sense of identity outside of children. When mothers begin experiencing guilt they remind themselves that they are not the only person who is responsible for their children and they can delegate childcare to their partners, while engaging in activities, which are not child-related. Olga mentioned, “I need a break, I call it mother hours; so I ask the father—my husband, to sit with baby and then I spend time for myself.” Rachel shared that her “husband taking over a lot more of the responsibilities with [her] son because [they] have another little one to worry about.” She is trying to find a balance for herself switching responsibilities with her spouse. The situation changes for single mothers, for instance, Maria is divorced and has her kids all the time, therefore, she has free time, when her children are with another parent. Alexandra made a remark, saying that when she is gone, she is “like I’m dead. They have their father, and they have these bonds to their father. I mean they wouldn’t feel completely lost without me.” Jessica explained that she does not think it is ok for the mother to do everything for her children.

Part of maintaining the sense of identity outside of children is reminding oneself about the importance of their work. Maria explained that she felt “a little bad going back to work because [her] kid was so little,” but she also felt like she “was going crazy being at home much longer.” Maria realized that she would not be happy “staying at home longer even if the-the pull of going back to work was greater than the guilt of putting them in daycare.” Naomi explained that while it is important to devote time for children, it is also important to “devote time to our jobs so we can grow we can be successful, we can feed them, we can give them a good college, a good education.”

Good Enough Mother Discourse

The second theme in emotion regulation of guilt in mothers is tied to the “good enough mother” discourse. Mothers acknowledge that a perfect mother does not exist and are coming to terms with the idea of being a good enough mother trying to develop their own definitions of a good mother. Rachel shared that she sometimes feels guilty for not doing good enough. For Rebecca, one of the ways to cope with this feeling is doing what she can to “do better next time” so that she improves her mothering. Maria agreed that everybody has room for improvement and said

I’ve done-I think I’ve done a very good job considering sort of the difficulty around the divorce and I also feel like I am very open with my kid and I am very open about my failures. I know I’m not perfect. I’m gonna mess up and I’m trying. I know that that my child loves me and sees me as a very steady force in their lives.

Alexandra explained that she does not have to be a perfect mother, because her children have a father as well and they do not belong to her. Victoria explained,

I think I do the best I can but there's only so much time in the day so it's not perfect…I think that's a good coping mechanism for me like “you’re doing the best you can, get a hold of yourself.”

Emma echoed, “Nobody [is] a perfect mom, and I don’t need to be the perfect mom.” Naomi explained that to her opinion every mother can be good and bad at times, but what is important is this:

I don’t know what a good mother is, good—every mom can be good or bad on its own world. I try to be the best mom for my son…a good mom is somebody that supports, listens, takes care of their son. I’m the best mom I can be for my son. I’m always trying to strive for him and be there for him and doing as much as I can to be a good mom.

Refraining From Social Competition

The third theme in emotion regulation of guilt among mothers is tied to social competition, which stems from social comparison with other mothers through a variety of sources, including personal contact and social media. Mothers acknowledge that downward social comparison can make them feel worse as a parent. Maria shared that she looks back and thinks how she could have done things differently, she is looking at other mothers and experiences envy and amusement looking at pictures of other mothers on social media, wondering how they manage their lives to look so perfect. To cope with negative emotions which stem from social comparison, mothers try to stop comparing themselves with others. Naomi said,

I don’t really compare myself to anybody else, somebody else could be better at other things and not be good at other things that I am, so it's really hard to compare to some other moms and say what is this, what is good what is bad, it depends what your son needs, all kids have different needs.

Some of them use upward social comparison because it makes them feel better about themselves; Olga shared that when she compares herself to other mothers, she feels she is doing more than other mothers and gives the maximum of what she can to her child. Rebecca uses mindfulness techniques and self-validation when she starts comparing herself to other mothers, she said, “you’ve got two things in there—the comparison and this sort of self-judgment, I am prone to comparing, so I notice that and I I’m able to sort of slow it down and self-validate.” Mothers also realize that the way they perceive social media posts of other mothers’ successes is tied to how they are feeling in the moment. Jessica explained that when she is

in a well-regulated, confident place, [she] can look at a facebook post about someone who's done really spectacular with their children, and they’ve got all their Christmas presents for just already [she’ll] say, oh, good for them, alright great. And it doesn’t really affect [her]. But if [she is] tired, emotionally spent, and just sort of burnout, and [sees] that same post, [she thinks], ugh there's another thing that I’m failing at, or, oh, I’ve really gotta get on that.

Mothers’ resilience regarding negative emotions when seeing something they want on social media depends on their emotional state at this moment of time. Abilities to cope with guilt are also influenced by social support mothers get from family and friends.

Social Support

Mothers seek support from their social circles to regulate their guilt. For instance, Maria shared that she talks to friends and uses social media, “I might say “could you deal with this—you know, can you believe this crap blah blah?” Lucia chooses to seek support from mothers who have more experience than she does. Jessica explained that she prefers to cope with her emotions internally; however, she enjoys sharing positive experiences in social groups, therefore, offering encouragement to other mothers. Sandra as well seeks support from a mom group, she said, “I have that mom group I would say that all of us work off of things that we do and talk about and deal with together.” Mothers seek social support from partners and other relatives, who, as Naomi stated, remind her it is not possible to be perfect 100% of the time, but when “someone you trust and love and cares about, and you know they love you and they care for you, you listen to them. It helps, it helps a lot yeah.”

Getting support from husband helps Emma to see the situation, which made her feel guilty, from another perspective and receive the reassurance. For Olga it is easier to speak with her mother and sister about situations, which make her feel guilty, because they know the “real [Olga] and if [she] did some bad things, it would not ruin their picture of [Olga] in their eyes.” Because Olga wants to make a good impression on people who do not know her well, she prefers not to share situations tied to maternal guilt in mothers’ support groups. For Sandra, it is the opposite, she had become friends with mothers in her support group and she is not afraid of being judged, rather when she shares a situation where she feels guilty,

chances are somebody's like “oh my God, yes, thank you for saying that! And you know we feel better, we feel normal. I think the goal with everyone is always feeling normal, like what you’re feeling is something else that someone else can recognize and empathize with.”

Using Self-Compassion Therapy to Support Mothers Navigating Maternal Guilt

Maternal guilt is shaped by perceived failures in motherhood, which are connected to internal beliefs about parenting and affected by societal pressures. Our study showed that one of the strategies to regulate maternal guilt is resisting perfectionist ideals, adopting the “good enough mother” discourse, avoiding social comparison, building supportive networks, and maintaining a self-identity beyond mothering. These strategies can be enhanced in counseling through self-compassion therapy, which offers a framework for emotional healing and psychological resilience by encouraging self-kindness, mindfulness, and a sense of shared humanity (Gerber et al., 2015; Neff, 2003).

Self-compassion was conceptualized by Neff (2003) as treating oneself with the same kindness and care one would offer a friend who struggles. Self-compassion includes three main components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. For mothers dealing with guilt, self-kindness tames the inner critic that tells them they are “not enough.” When mothers are placed in self-compassion therapy, instead of blaming themselves for perceived shortcomings, they will learn to respond with understanding and empathy toward themselves when they feel overwhelmed, exhausted, or imperfect (Neff & Germer, 2013).

The “good enough mother” discourse, originating from psychoanalyst Winnicott (1965), posits that children do not need perfect mothers, but rather consistent and emotionally available caregivers who allow for frustration and failure. Mothers who embrace this approach often still wrestle with lingering guilt, especially when their efforts to be “good enough” meet idealized norms of self-sacrificing motherhood (Douglas & Michaels, 2004; Hays, 1996). Self-compassion therapy supports mothers in accepting their imperfections and understanding that it is also developmentally beneficial for children. Mothers will learn to recognize and accept guilt through mindfulness practices (Neff, 2003).

This study showed that one of the key elements in emotion regulation of maternal guilt is refraining from comparing themselves to others, especially in a social media arena, where parenting is often glamorized. Social comparison can amplify guilt by fostering unrealistic standards. Self-compassion therapy interrupts this cycle by helping mothers focus inward rather than outward. Mothers are reminded that every parent struggles at times, and self-compassion therapy fosters a sense of common humanity; each woman is not alone in her imperfections and doubts (Neff, 2003).

Mothers also benefit from self-compassion in their efforts to build and lean on social support networks. Guilt often creates barriers to seeking help, as many mothers feel they should be able to “do it all” on their own (Johnston & Swanson, 2006). Self-compassion supports acceptance of individual vulnerability, and it makes mothers realize that asking for help is not a sign of weakness; rather, it is an act of bravery. When mothers are kind and forgiving to themselves and are not judging their own actions, they are more likely to reach out and engage with others (Neff & Germer, 2013).

Our research showed that one of the strategies to regulate maternal guilt is maintaining a sense of identity beyond the mothering role, by engaging in work or leisure activities that bring joy and fulfillment outside of childrearing. However, such behaviors can trigger guilt due to cultural narratives that idealize selfless devotion to children (Douglas & Michaels, 2004). Self-compassion therapy offers a counternarrative that supports mothers in valuing their own needs. By honoring their right to a full, multifaceted life, mothers can practice self-kindness and resist internalized messages that equate personal time with selfishness. Mindfulness helps them stay present during nonparenting activities and not feel guilty or selfish (Neff, 2003; Sutherland, 2010).

In conclusion, self-compassion therapy provides mothers with a powerful technique in coping with maternal guilt and reinforces the validity of being a “good enough” mother, supports efforts to avoid toxic social comparison, enables connection, and nurtures a fuller sense of self. In doing so, it empowers mothers to care for themselves as they care for others—compassionately, mindfully, and without shame.