I Want to Die Well

I want to die well

Not hanging from a tree like strange fruit

 suffering from asphyxiation

  while little white boys set my toes on fire

    and cut off my genitals

     with squealing delight

Not after purchasing Skittles and Arizona iced-Tea that I will never enjoy

  because I am gunned down while running from a white vigilante

   self-appointed to the neighborhood watch

Not at the hands of

       angry white mobs

after white women accuse me of

       rape

Not in 1863 New York

Not in 1866 Memphis or New Orleans

Not in 1868 Opelousas, Camila, or St. Bernard Parrish

Not in 1871 Meridian

Not in 1873 Colfax

Not in 1874 Eufaula or Vicksburg

Not in 1875 Clinton

Not in 1887 Thibodaux

Not in 1898 Wilmington

Not in 1906 Atlanta

Not in 1908 Springfield

Not in 1910 Slocum

Not in 1917 East St. Louis

Not in 1919 Washington, Chicago, or Elaine

Not in 1920 Ocoee

Not in 1921 Tulsa

Not in 1923 Rosewood

Not in 1943 Detroit

Not in 1985 Philadelphia

Not in 2015 Charleston

        Or any other time white people rage.

I want to die well

Not because white audacity positions you to think you know more about my Black body

Not because the social determinants of health failed to include interpersonal racism

Not because disease looks different on my brown skin that no one can identify

Not because I made you uncomfortable when I called out your racism

Not because I suffer from a “Black” disease that no one cares about

Not because rich white people are hording Covid-19 vaccines

Not because the air quality in my neighborhood is Black

Not because I don’t have adequate health insurance

Not because my doctor thinks I do not feel pain

Not because health providers refuse treatment

Not because I live in a pharmaceutical desert

Not because you discharged me too early

Not because I live in a food desert

Not because I am unhoused

Not because I am gestating

Not because I gave birth

Not because I was born

Not because your hospital’s leadership is all white

  but feels absolved of racist health care

    because they took a 3-hour

      diversity training

No.

I want to die well

Not outside a Minneapolis corner store

     while a white police officer

       kneels on my neck for

          9 minutes

            and

              29 seconds

                 because they thought my $20 was fake

Not on Staten Island in a choke hold screaming “I can’t Breathe”

Not minding my Black business in my Louisville apartment with my boyfriend

  when seven police officers force entry, spray bullets, and shoot me 6 times.

    Only to never find “the drugs.”

Not alone, “hanging” in a jail cell in Prairie View, Texas,

   after switching lanes without signaling to give way to the cop

     who charged me with assault.

    Not playing while Black

    Not driving while Black

    Not praying while Black

    Not reading while Black

    Not learning while Black

    Not breathing while Black

    Not walking while Black

    Not jogging while Black

    Not because I fit the description

No.

I want to die like a white man.

  Peaceful

    in my sleep

      surrounded by my great, great, great grand children

        aboard my private yacht on my last summer vacation in the French Riviera

          following a five-course meal with expensive champagne,

            while the sun

              revolves

                around

                  me.

Supplemental Material

sj-pdf-1-hpp-10.1177_15248399221145155 – Supplemental material for I Want to Die Well

Supplemental material, sj-pdf-1-hpp-10.1177_15248399221145155 for I Want to Die Well by Amber Johnson in Health Promotion Practice