Abstract
Jan E. Stets on seeing and being seen.
For the past 25 years, I have been writing about how important it is that, in situations, we are seen in a way that matches or is consistent with how we see ourselves. This is identity verification. Think of it this way: while we may think that we simply want to feel good about ourselves or that we just want to be liked by others, the key is actually that we want our self-views in a situation to be confirmed not only by others but also ourselves (self-confirmation). For example, if you see yourself as a “caretaker,” you’ll want to be seen as a caretaker. Alternatively, if you see yourself as a “tyrant,” you’ll want to be seen as a tyrant. People have more difficulty understanding the “tyrant” example than the “caretaker” example. Surely, we don’t want to be seen as a tyrant; that’s a bad person! And yet, identity verification does not depend on whether we see ourselves positively or negatively. My research reveals that we feel good when we are verified, even if it happens that we think “poorly” of ourselves and this “poor” self-view is confirmed.
Identity vérification helps us successfully navigate ourselves and our relationships. To see and be seen is good for self and society!
But how can this be? How can we feel good about ourselves when a negative self-view is there for everyone to see?
Part of the confusion is that, at least in the United States, a “positive” culture is promoted. We encourage people to be happy, develop a positive self-view, and feel good about themselves. But we can’t control how people see themselves. People have their own perceptions of themselves, or their own meanings attached to who they are. According to identity theory, the theory on which identity verification is based, it is these perceptions, these meanings of the self that people can control in situations and seek to verify within and across situations. Positive or negative, people desire to live in a way that is consistent with their inner meanings, or the person they authentically see themselves to be.
Over the years, I’ve studied different aspects of the identity verification process, finding there are multiple sources of verification. Most of my research has focused on “reflected appraisals,” or how we think others see us in situations. If we think others see us in the same way that we see ourselves, then we experience identity verification and we feel good. Now we may be wrong about how others see us, but that’s less important than maintaining our perceptions of ourselves. Perceptually, we act to match the meanings of how we are coming across in a situation with how we see ourselves as set by our personal identity standard.
Another source of identity verification is “actual appraisals,” or direct feedback about how others see us. This feedback may be formal, like a work evaluation, or informal, like when our friends let us know how they see us. Again, the information may be wrong: our friends may selectively share only positive views, or we may ignore, distort, or reject the views they share with us honestly. Here what is important is which perceptions we select as the basis for us comparing our self-in-situation meanings with our identity standard meanings.
A final source of identity verification may be “self-appraisals,” or our own assessments as to how well we are doing in meeting our identity standard in a situation. Perhaps we ignore others’ views of us, thinking that we are more qualified because we know ourselves better than anyone. The challenge in studying identity—and in applying what we learn to situations—is that reflected appraisals, actual appraisals, and self-appraisals are all operating simultaneously and to varying degrees, with each having separate, independent effects. All these sources are taken into consideration as we assess how we are coming across in situations.
Identity verification helps us successfully navigate ourselves and our relationships. If we verify others’ self-views and they, in turn, verify our self-views, we have a mutual verification context—and that generates good feelings while promoting trust, emotional attachment, commitment, and a sense of solidarity. To see and be seen, it seems, is good for self and society!