“It’s the Wild West Out There”: Autistic Adults’ Experiences of Seeking Connection Through Dating Apps

Subtheme 1.1: Finding people beyond everyday networks

Participants described apps as expanding access to like-minded or geographically distant individuals, broadening social circles otherwise limited offline. Maya explained that, for someone living in a regional area where there was “no one with my interests, like nobody even vaguely similar to me,” dating apps were the “easiest way to see who’s out there.” Zoe described wanting “to just put myself out there more” but finding this difficult “without the sort of help that the app can give.” Owen similarly felt that apps provided access to a wider pool of more suitable partners because he was “not good at sports or dancing, not interested in drinking,” limiting offline opportunities. Traditional routes of meeting partners, such as being introduced by friends, were not common in the social circles of our participants, with many of their peers already partnered: “apps are just the way the world is now” (Brooke).

Subtheme 1.2: “It breaks down social barriers.”

Participants described dating apps as lowering barriers that made in-person encounters feel daunting. Beginning relationships through text reduced anxiety and gave participants greater control over self-presentation. Clara felt “much better able to express myself through written words” while Skye described being able to “put your toe in a little bit, and gauge how comfortable you are with somebody online.” The asynchronous, text-based format provided safety and predictability before meeting in person. Brooke noted, “being able to do it via text is easier for me,” and James felt “a little bit safer, a little bit more confident…just to text something through.”

Subtheme 1.3: “It’s a lot easier to screen people.”

Participants highlighted how apps functioned as filtering mechanisms, allowing rapid assessment of compatibility and safety. Zoe described the apps as operating “like a filter,” helping her identify people with shared interests quickly. For Sara, this made it “very easy to identify who isn’t a good fit for me.” Participants also used screening to seek out like-minded or neurodivergent partners. Maya examined profiles for signs of shared identity or values: “I will look for flags, either they’ve explicitly mentioned that they’re neurodivergent in some way, or they support a certain cause.” Similarly, Miran noted that he took time to “read people’s profile carefully and see if there’s a match there.” Ariana appreciated being able to “weed out men… that don’t have good intentions,” highlighting how screening supported safety and self-protection.

Subtheme 2.1: “it takes a lot of energy.”

Participants frequently described using dating apps as exhausting, requiring sustained effort to maintain profiles, swipe through options, and sustain conversations. Maya managed this by scheduling app use: “I set a calendar reminder at 8 pm to check Bumble. Otherwise, I’d end up doom scrolling—it’s so time consuming and takes too much social energy.” Ruby similarly described messaging potential matches as “a part-time job,” with little guarantee of reward and “a lot of energy that I just don’t have to give right now.”

Participants often described messaging as pressured and unrewarding because they spent significant time crafting responses only for conversations to fizzle out. Zoe noted: “Sometimes I’ll spend half an hour thinking of what to say, and then people cut you off if you haven’t answered in five seconds.” Brooke described repeatedly introducing herself as “copying and pasting information about yourself.”

Many reported taking breaks to recover. Owen explained, “you can’t just keep going at full throttle with it… I only try to engage when I’ve got my spirits up.” Others described burnout after one-sided or unfulfilling exchanges, “putting out so much energy into those interactions where I didn’t feel like I was getting anything rewarding in return” (Brooke). Sara reflected on the emotional toll: “There’s been times where it really was impacting, like I was becoming so angry and so negative.”

Subtheme 2.2: “Bad actors with bad intent.”

Participants raised serious concerns about encountering exploitative or manipulative users. Maya described apps as “full of people that are there for self-esteem bumps…bullying and catfishing and manipulation.” Participants worried about being targeted because of their differences. Clara worried about abuse, concluding that “there’s always going to be bad actors with bad intent.” Several participants felt that autistic openness and difficulty recognizing social red flags could heighten vulnerability. Maya explained, “you miss predator signals, you don’t see narcissistic traps as easily” while Ivy noted that disclosing disability might signal to some that someone “is an easier kind of a target.” Chloe similarly feared predators would identify those who were “easily taken advantage of.”

Other participants shared direct experiences of exploitation. Miran recounted someone who “collected all of my personal information… then they start threatening” to misuse it. He also worried that even autism-specific apps could be infiltrated by outsiders with malicious intent.

Subtheme 2.3: “It doesn’t help with self-esteem issues.”

For many, repeated rejection and ghosting ¹ left them feeling demoralized. Skye observed that “dating apps are not good for people who’ve got any sort of self-esteem issues,” explaining how unanswered messages or stalled matches prompted relentless self-questioning: “there’s the constant questioning of, well, what did I do wrong.” Marcus found it discouraging that despite getting matches, “people seldom reply when I send a simple hello.” For Ethan, repeated letdowns took the form of no-shows: he estimated “probably about 30 times.”

Ghosting was described as painful and destabilizing, leading to feelings of “depression, sadness or loss” (Miran). James recounted that “you suggest a catch up, and that’s the end of that conversation, and you don’t know what happened.” Sophie observed similar patterns among autistic men she knew who just “keep on getting ghosted.”

Repeated negative experiences eroded resilience over time. Owen described online dating as “incredibly depressing,” while Maya warned that autistic people, who “tend to have pretty shit self-esteem,” were especially vulnerable to being overwhelmed by rejection. Not surprisingly, Sophie emphasized the importance of self-care: “You have to be in a really good place mentally to be able to cope with it.” Skye framed engaging with apps as a calculated gamble: “It’s going to wind up absolutely ripping me to shreds, but I just might find somebody to connect with.”

Subtheme 3.1: “It’s part of who I am.”

For some participants, autism was an integral part of their identity and something they wanted potential partners to know. Sara explained: “it’s such a big part of me… it affects me every day. So if I want someone to be my life partner… they need to know upfront.” Skye similarly reflected, “It’s part of my identity…and if that’s something that people will turn away from… then that’s not someone I want to be with.” For these participants, disclosure ensured that relationships were grounded in acceptance.

Others viewed disclosure as a way of normalizing autism and setting the tone for how partners would understand it within the relationship. Clara described updating her profile to mention autism as she moved toward greater pride: “I’m disclosing much more often these days.” Ariana emphasized that disclosure could facilitate accommodations and mutual understanding: “then perhaps they can modify the first date… I’ve always preferred walking dates or dates where I don’t have to give them eye contact or where it’s quieter for me.” Similarly, Olivia stated that disclosure mattered because “it’s important for the other person to know… how it impacts your relationship needs [and] potential accommodations.”

Subtheme 3.2: Disclosing can be “a way of filtering.”

In the context of dating apps, disclosure influenced not only how someone might respond but also whether a match or conversation would occur at all. For many, disclosure functioned as a deliberate filter, helping them avoid hurtful encounters and conserve emotional energy. Sara described it as a way “to weed out the people who are immediately ableist.” Similarly, Clara saw it as “a nice way of filtering out people who feel like they might not be able to connect or… have maybe some discriminatory ideas.”

Participants noted that early transparency reduced the sting of later rejection. As Sophie explained, while upfront disclosure might lead to being “swiped past,” it hurt less than investing emotionally before facing “a harsh rejection.” Disclosure also supports boundary-setting and screening for compatibility. Chloe noted that choosing to disclose up front drove away one man, but she reframed this as a success: “like the trash takes itself out sometimes.” Brooke similarly preferred not to match at all with someone unwilling to accept her autism. For others, disclosure felt like a pragmatic way of ensuring matches with those genuinely open to autistic partners: “if somebody can’t deal with that, I’d rather not ever match with them in the first place” (Brooke).

Subtheme 3.3: Disclosure can “work against you”

While disclosure could be a way of fostering authenticity or filtering out unsuitable matches, participants also recognized risks. Ruby stated: “It can really work against you—people make assumptions straight away and you don’t get the chance to show them who you are.” Brooke worried that people might “jump to their own judgments….and not give me a chance.” James feared being dismissed “in a split second.”Noah noted that his online conversations “slowly die off” once disclosure occurred.

Some described stereotyping when they revealed their autism. Sara noted that disclosing often triggered trivializing responses, such as being compared with “maths autism” or reduced to TikTok catchphrases like “neurospicy.”

Disclosure also heightened fears of being seen as vulnerable or easy to manipulate. Zoe worried that disclosing on her profile might signal she was “easy to manipulate,” and Clara echoed this concern, suggesting that “maybe there’s some people out there who go, oh, somebody who’s autistic is automatically going to be vulnerable, and so they might have… nefarious motives.”

Subtheme 3.4: Finding the right time and way to disclose

Participants considered timing and context when deciding whether to disclose. Some preferred to be upfront, disclosing in their profiles or early in conversation, while others worried that revealing too soon could mean “an automatic no” (Skye). As Hanna summarized: “It’s about finding the right moment—too soon and they might bolt, too late and it feels dishonest.”

For many, timing disclosure on dating apps involves weighing safety, stigma, and authenticity. Emma sometimes discloses ADHD before mentioning autism “as a sense check,” while Maya prefers subtle hints rather than outright disclosure, such as noting “neurodiversity rights” under causes supported on her profile, before explicit disclosure. Several participants described choosing to wait until they could gauge the other person’s openness to disability or difference. As Sophie explained, she preferred to disclose in person, so she could “look at body language and how someone reacts.”

Others highlighted disclosure as something best introduced gradually, in context, or only if relevant. Noah avoided mentioning autism “straight up” on his profile but would share “if it seemed relevant.” Miran described disclosing “one at a time,” and Owen embedded subtle references in his profile to signal identity without naming it directly.

Subtheme 4.1: Apps need to be safer for everyone

Participants emphasized stronger safety measures, particularly improved verification, moderation, and reporting systems. Noah noted that requiring government ID verification in some countries increased confidence that “you’re talking to a real person.” Zoe similarly wanted “a better way to sort of understand who people really are,” explaining that stronger verification would make her “feel a lot safer.”

Safety was not just about preventing scams but also about addressing ableist language and harassment. Sara described reporting derogatory remarks, arguing that users should contribute to a safer community: “You can make this place a more enjoyable place for everybody by using the report function.”

Improved moderation was also essential. Owen urged apps to “have better moderation so you don’t run into so many shitty people.” While artificial intelligence could assist with flagging harmful content, participants emphasized the need for human oversight to interpret context and enforce standards.

Subtheme 4.2: Design beyond the superficial

Participants criticized the emphasis on appearance, noting that profiles limited to photos and brief text made it difficult to convey personality. Marcus argued apps could be “more inclusive if [they] didn’t put an emphasis on external aesthetics and made it more oriented around what the person is like on the inside.” James echoed this, noting that apps relied on “a couple of photos” and a short tagline, which was particularly difficult for autistic people who “aren’t very socially aware,” making it “hard to sell yourself in a lot of ways.”

Many proposed features that support richer self-expression. Owen suggested allowing longer posts, noting that “info dumping on our profiles” suits autistic communication styles, and recommended including photos of interests rather than just appearance.

There was also interest in optional neurodivergent matching that preserved privacy. Olivia imagined a hidden field where users could indicate neurodivergence, visible only if both parties shared it. Owen praised one feature where a postmatch pop-up allows users to automatically signal important information upfront to anyone they match with, reducing repeated explanations.

Subtheme 4.3: Support can make the difference

Participants emphasized that both in-app tools to aid conversations and external supports, such as mentors or friends, could make dating apps more inclusive. Clara suggested clearer “guidance for autistic people on red flags or some underlying meanings of words,” alongside practical safety reminders. Zoe felt prompts could help stalled conversations. Ariana imagined AI tools that could help interpret messages and flag risks: “I use ChatGPT to literally interpret every neurotypical conversation I ever have with anyone… that could be a possible feature.”

External networks of support were also viewed as important. Noah recommended involving a trusted friend who can “help with your profile, if you’re going to meet someone on a date, tell someone where you’re going.” Sophie described friends sharing live locations during dates, while Ivy stressed the importance of “a trusted confidante” to help identify warning signs. Liam described how a therapist had helped craft his profile, and Ruby suggested that mentors or support workers could assist in practical ways, such as drafting responses together.