Managing Defensive Communication: Excerpts from Taking the War out of our Words

Defensive Communication Modes

When we become defensive, we get into power struggles that cause many needless, destructive conflicts at work, at home and in our communities. When someone says or does something that makes us feel put down, hurt, frustrated or angry, we may feel attacked and try to protect ourselves by using one or more of these six defensive reactions:

Surrender-Betray

We are traitors to ourselves when we allow someone to mistreat us and then defend that person's behavior, taking the blame for causing the problem. For example, we might say, “He treated me rudely because he was in a bad mood. I should have waited to talk to him until later.”

Surrender-Sabotage

We outwardly give in and cooperate with someone, but then do something to undermine the agreement or the person, consciously or unconsciously. For example, we may gossip about the person, procrastinate, or fail to keep the commitment at all.

Withdraw-Escape

We avoid talking to someone about a particular topic because we want to avoid conflict. For example, we may simply not answer, we may leave the room, or we may change the subject.

Withdraw-Entrap

We withhold information as a way to set someone up to make a mistake or to look bad, while avoiding taking accountability for our behavior. For example, we may simply stare at a person (the stare-down) and not answer his or her question. When he or she gets irritated, we say, “I was just thinking - You don't have to be rude.”

Counterattack-Justify

We explain and defend our own behavior, or make excuses when someone criticizes us, to let him or her know he or she is wrong to be upset with us. For example, we might respond, when told we are over-reacting, “Maybe I am, but I have a good reason to be upset!”

Counterattack-Blame

We shift blame to avoid accountability, defending ourselves by attacking the other person. For example, we may say, when hearing a legitimate concern, “You are always so critical.”

Powerful Non-Defensive Communication

We use non-defensive communication when we ask questions, make statements, and predict consequences in an open, sincere way without trying to control how other people respond. When we communicate non-defensively, we can gather accurate information, speak with clarity, protect ourselves, and hold others more accountable. People are more likely to respect us, and we can strengthen personal and professional relationships. Here is a summary of several non-defensive interaction techniques:

Asking Questions

Nature of communication: curious, open, innocent, neutral, inviting Purpose of communication: to gather thorough, accurate information about what another person means, believes, or feels Example: There are 13 formats for asking questions non-defensively. For example, if someone seems upset, simply ask about your observation so that he or she can confirm, deny, or qualify it. Ask, “Are you irritated (frustrated, angry, upset) about something?” Avoid: Using a question to express your own opinion or to entrap others.

Making Statements

Nature of communication: open, direct, vulnerable, subjective, descriptive

Purpose of communication: to state neutrally your subjective interpretation of

Example: If the person denies being upset, you can describe the contradiction between his or her overt and covert message by saying, “You've told me you're not upset. What I see is that you're frowning and that your hands are shaking.”

Avoid: Using a statement to control other people's opinions or feelings

Making Predictions

Nature of communication: protective, foretelling, neutral, definitive, firm

Purpose of communication: to create boundaries and security by telling the other person ahead of time how you will react if he or she makes a specific choice

Example: If the person still acts upset and continues to deny it, after hearing your statement, saying “I'm fine, there's no problem,” you can clarify boundaries by making a prediction, using the framework of

“if … then:”

“If you would like to tell me what's going on, then I'd like to hear it.

If you don't want to tell me, then I don't want to try to make you.”

Avoid: Using a prediction to coax, falsely threaten, or punish others.